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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want children

24 replies

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 10:43

Just looking for a bit of advice really.

After years of thinking I didn't want children, I've suddenly been hit by an overwhelming urge for them. Kept quiet for a bit, in case it was a passing thing. But it's stuck.

Raised this with my partner, who has turned around and said that he flat out doesn't want any. And now I don't know what to do. I love him, and I don't want to lose him. But can I really give up any chance of having a family for him? And if I do choose him, how do I stop myself from resenting him further down the line?

For context he has a daughter from a previous relationship.

Thoughts / advice appreciated.

OP posts:

PaddyF0dder · 17/02/2018 10:48

Having kids is such a big decision. You don’t want to force it on someone, and you also don’t want to be responsible for someone not having them.

It sounds like you were both in agreement initially but now you’ve changed your mind. That’s tough and I can see his point of view.

Sad fact is this could be a deal breaker in a relationship. Hope you find a way through.

greendale17 · 17/02/2018 10:50

You both originally didn’t want kids. You have now changed your mind.

Not your partners fault whatsoever

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2018 10:52

He’s made a valid choice and if you want children, you’ll have to leave and find another relationship.

Sorry you’re in this position.

MikeUniformMike · 17/02/2018 10:53

You are allowed to change your mind. He already has a child, you don't.
You need to work this out. Chances are you will not change your mind again. It's probably a dealbreaker.
I do know people who this has happened to and they went on to have a child and never regretted it.

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 10:54

Greendale - I'm not saying it's my partners fault. I don't blame him at all. And I get that I've changed my mind.
I'm more asking for advice on how to move past this, if that's at all possible.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 17/02/2018 10:55

This is a dealbreaker. Sorry, there's no way to stop yourself resenting him. He already has a kid. You don't. As you want one, you will need to leave. Staying with a man who doesn't want them when you do is a losing game. A lot of them then break up with you, find another, younger woman soon thereafter and have a child.

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 10:57

Thanks all for your advice. Not to dripfeed but we hadn't exactly discussed and decided before IYSWIM. The closest we'd got was me saying I didn't want to rule it out entirely, and him saying that was ok. So I was a bit shocked when the no was so certain / final.

OP posts:

Trills · 17/02/2018 10:59

Do you think you want a child?

Or just feel that you do?

All of the reasons that you didn't want a child before - have any of them gone away?

Lndnmummy · 17/02/2018 11:02

This is really hard and I feel for you. I think that this is too big a compromise to make for someone. You have different life goals and you deserve to have a family if you want one. He deserves also to live his life how he wants it.

This is a sad scenario and I really feel for you. But please know that you deserve a family and children if you want that. Don’t compromise on that for anyone. I very nearly did and I’m so so glad that I didn’t in the end.

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 11:02

Trills. Good question. I'm not sure about how to differentiate between think / feel on this one. My reasons for not wanting children before were basically just that I liked my life as it was, didn't see the need for children and never really felt very maternal. I'm not really sure what changed. Part of it was being involved in parental conversations about his daughter, I realised that I'm more maternal than I thought. Part of it is, I think, an age / hormones thing. I guess my perspective and priorities just changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 11:03

Expat - wow. He's going to leave me for a younger woman and have children with them? Just wow.

OP posts:

Ifailed · 17/02/2018 11:09

It might help if you spend sometime thinking through what changes would need to be made if you did have a child? Would you need to move, how would you cope with the loss of income, would one of you become a SAHP, could you afford childcare etc? It may well be there are other barriers in your life that would prevent you having one (ignoring the obvious one with your partner!), or at least leading to a difficult time.

At the end of the day, of course, it's your choice whether to have a child or not (though I don't think anyone has a right to have one) & if your current partner is not prepared to be the father, then you know what you going to have to do.

Trills · 17/02/2018 11:11

The "leave, don't compromise, don't waste your time" advice is good advice for someone who is sure that their life would be incomplete without children.

I think it's a bit hasty for someone who thought they didn't want children and has only recently decided they do want them.

I'd say you need to spend some time thinking about what your life might look like in either circumstance.

But if he says he does not want to have children, you should believe him. Having children with him is not one of the available options.

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 11:18

Trills. I agree wholeheartedly.

You're absolutely right that having children with him is not an option. I've accepted that (though I'm sad about it).

But I think you're also right that 'leave don't compromise' feels hasty to me. If I'd spent my whole life wanting a family, this would have to be an immediate dealbreaker. But I haven't. No one was more surprised than me when I started to change my mind on this. I totally didn't see it coming. Part of me is leaning towards compromise, I'm not sure that I NEED a child to be complete. But I am desperately worried about resenting him later. And about hating myself for compromising on a family for a man once it's too late for me to change my mind.

OP posts:

viques · 17/02/2018 11:18

How much contact does he have with his daughter? What is your relationship with her like? I assume that she is not a little girl since you sound as though you have been together for a while, I know it is not the same but if you can develop your relationship with her there is a whole world of satisfaction and love there. If you are not prepared to leave your present relationship to find another man to have a child with then you need to accept what you have and build on it if you can.

MissYeti · 17/02/2018 11:26

My DP was adamant that he didnt want children ever and I was certain that I did. We didn't discuss it often as it was a big sticking point and always caused an argument. We've been together for 4.5 years and maybe 3 years in he opened up that it wasn't that he didn't want children, he just didnt think he was a good role model and had a lot of self-esteem issues. As it is, I'm currently 7 months pregnant and he's super excited :) we've worked hard on how he sees himself! I'm not saying your DP will change his mind but definitely take some time away from talking about it, especially if you've only recently decided you want babies yourself x

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 11:26

Viques - he has a decent amount of contact. Good relationship.

As for me, we're taking that super slowly. She wasn't thrilled about her parents' divorce, obviously. And not exactly over the moon when he met someone else. So I didn't want to rush things. But generally we get on ok. It's tricky at times, of course, but I care about her, and I hope given more time we'll have more of a relationship. But I don't want to push things too much, I figure my relationship with her should be on her terms as much as possible. And I've been very careful about invading their daddy daughter time because I don't want her to think she never gets to spend time on her own with him (she's 13 btw).

We've been together two and a half years, but are talking about moving in together, which is another reason this has come up now.

OP posts:

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/02/2018 11:45

I think you originally had sad that you want the option open to have children maybe at some point to your partner and he agreed , now he is saying it is absolutely not an option.
For me I wouldn't stay , he has a child and you don't , I think if you stay with him you will resent him eventually. People will probably disagree with me on this (but I don't care ) I think that if a man truly loves you and sees the rest of his life with you then why wouldn't he want children with you at some point? For me it's an indicator of long term commitment.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/02/2018 11:49

P.s OP I love your username

Cricrichan · 17/02/2018 11:49

You're both within your rights to feel the way you do. This wouldn't be something I could compromise on though.

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 11:55

FuckItPassMeTheWine - love your username too. fits well with how I'm feeling right now, too!

OP posts:

upsideup · 17/02/2018 12:00

I left my ex because he didnt want children, it was a amicable split and we have remained close friends, he didnt want to get in the way of me becoming a mum any more than I wanted him to be in the way.
When we started dating I was only 17 and he had a 4 year old dd, he told me from the start he didnt want to have more children and I thought no way did I want to have children either, but it was definately being a step mum that made me realise I actually wanted children of my own.
I definatly think its a valid reason to break up, its not fair on either of you.

Original poster

OnceUponAThread · 17/02/2018 12:05

Upsideup. That's an interesting perspective. Definitely the stepmum thing has had an impact on how I feel. I guess there is a difference between not wanting and having children at all. And then parenting but not having your own. Or something.

But. I really don't want to break up with him. I love him. And this aside we have a fantastic relationship. And also... what if I can't even have children? What if I never meet someone who wants them? Giving up on an otherwise amazing relationship for something that might not even be possible seems crazy.

OP posts:

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/02/2018 20:07

The obvious question is how old are you? If you're 25 you've got loads of time to make your mind up. If you're 35,not so much.

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