Hey all,
Just trying to get off some emotions off my chest, feeling quite lost in my relationship.
I met my husband about 5 years ago, we got married 3 years ago and had our first and only gorgeous baby girl just 2 months ago. She is absolutly everything to me, I never experienced this amount of love for anything or anyone in my entire life. I feel that havig her changed me so much in the way I see things, putting her as my first priority and making sure she is healthy, happy and relaxed before anything else. I am saying all of this, as I have taken a very close look at my relationship with my husband and although we have had our fair share of disagreements over the years.. I can’t see us recovering from where we are now.
He is a good guy, my husband. He is educated, has a good job, and for so long he invested so much in our relationship, always planning surprises and treats, being the sweetest and caring. And so did I.. every anniversary, birthday or ‘just because’ we tend to celebrate in a big way. We had such an amzing big love.
But then we would argue a lot as well. We are quite different in the way we carry out, he doesn’t deal well with changes at all, when I welcome them with open arms ready to tackle them; he will avoid confrontations with people at all cost (except with me), even if that means that he is ‘steped on’, which I always thought was sweet- seeing him so volnurable, but now I just get angry that he allows it. This happens with his family, at his work, his friends- everyone. He is also very very anal when it comes to having new things, he hates the thought of things getting damagesd, wear off or ruined, since I have known him he would tell me off on everyday living things like spilling, leaving marks on the wall or floor or just being careless, apparently I step too heavily when I walk, I don’t know how to sit on the sofa and I’m just being disrespectful. In his eyes, I am just a giant elephant in a china shop. Just so very clumsy. Can’t explain how constantly being criticized like that over such stupid things makes me feel. No matter how many talks we have had over this, me trying to put sense in him and get him to understand that things happen sometimes by mistake and we are all human (same as he, but then when he messes something up he seem to be a lot more forgiving), and if something breaks/marked there are ways to replace/fix them. He just stuck in his ways and how he feels, he can’t see how he is being unreasonable. I think this has a lot to do with his upbringing.. he came from a very strict house and not very happy childhood, his parents also divorced when he was 11 or 12, where I had a wonderful childhood, I don’t remember ever being told off on marks on the walls or anything like that. We have had so many arguments over these things and more than once and more than 10 times even, I just wanted to leave him, as I felt so very uncomfortable being at the same flat, and now house with him. This is ofcourse getting more worse now, as we have a baby and I fear she would sense this, not only the tension between us over stuff like this, but olso with way he expects things to be and how restricted she will need to be around the how, always being told what she can’t do and where she can’t go. If he could, he would probably allocate one room for her to be in and that’s it just to keep things new and untouched.
To make things even more complicated, we moved into a new house just a month before baby was born, the house is in need of complete renovation. I think I was quite naive when we decided to go with it, perhaps not evaluating the amount of work required in it and thinking that we can do it with a newborn. As my husband is a diy person and in an effort to save every bit of money, he is doing work on the house himself every evening after his day job and weekends pretty much since we moved in. He works very hard and very dedicated and so unfortunately, as a result- we barely spend anytime together, as a couple or as a family. He doesn’t spend the time with the baby as much as he should. To say the least.. he has become quite obsessed with the house. He is trying to progress with it as quickly as possible, but with that come lots of stress, getting snappy (at me), being even more tight with money and interrogating me about every bit of money that spent, although my family gave us a very generous cash present when the baby is born- so why do I need to explain spending £30 on a baby thermometer?
Things between us have become a lot more complex, we have drifted apart so much and I feel we have nothing in common anymore, except for our beautiful baby. It has been a long while that I felt like I want out of this relationship, I don’t see us managing to work through our problems, we are so very different and quite set in our ways. I know this post is focused on the negative things about him, but I am also not perfect and mess things up sometimes, I just honestly feel he wants to keep me around so he can just abuse me more and tell me off about everything I do. I don’t want the baby or the house that we just moved into, to become the reasons why we stay together.. I am very conscious of how babies pick up on stress and tension and this is my biggest fear. I would much rather for her to be in 2 happy- but separate- homes that in one where her parents just don’t get on and not happy with each other.
I will be taking the baby with me in a few days to visit my family abroad for 3 weeks, there is a lot of work going to be carried out at the house, going to be very messy and dusty and I was being quite firm saying that I don’t want the baby to be exposed to anything dangerous in the house.,It took me a very long time to convince my husband to do that, as he thinks it’s not that bad, although we have taken down an internal wall downstairs a couple of weeks ago, have exposed bricks in all the rooms downstairs and everything feels dusty, and dust gets everywhere.
So we are going to be apart for a few weeks, I will be staying with my family who I haven’t seen in 2 years, I am so very looking forward to it. I have raised how I have been feeling a few times with my husband, so he is aware of it, I think this would give us the perfect opportunity to think what we want to do and think about our future. I was never afraid to walk out a relationship, I just feel now that it’s a bit more complicated, as we have the baby, the house and my family and close friends who all live in a different country. What if I would want to separate when I return from my visit? Do I move out with the baby? Where will I stay? How do I approach this..? Anyone experienced something similar...?
Sorry for the long post.. xx