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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you stay or go?

20 replies

veryconfuddled · 16/02/2018 16:55

Need some help please, I really dont know what to do.. Confused
And sorry, a bit long...
I am mid 50's divorced 5 years.
Just over a year ago I met a man and we got on really well. After many weekends and some weeks together (not easy as we lived in 2 different countries although are the same nationality), I moved my life to be with him late last summer. I was a point in my life where I could and thought, why not. I had met his family and he mine and all seemed great.

Very soon I discovered he has a bad temper and with it a nasty mouth. And when he drinks - which is regularly - it becomes worse.
He is never violent, just verbally nasty.
He has extreme mood swings made worse by drugs he has to take for a medical condition which appeared also late last year, but then I find out he had this problem for a number of years.
Some days he is fine and all is normal and lovely, and others are me treading on egg shells as everything I do seems to irritate him.

I left for 5 days a couple of weeks ago when things got too bad, and he promised he would change. It lasted 3 days..

My ex narc husband was like this, although not the temper, and I seem to have found myself back in a relationship that I had to fight to get out of before.

Logistically the move home is possible but I moved all my furniture etc to live here.
Some days I just want to pack up my dog and clothes and drive away, others are not so bad.

It does not bother me at all to be single, I am not desperate to be in a relationship, and do not rely on him for any support.

But I just dont know what to do. And if I decide to leave how to do it.

What would you do? Am I just being a mug?

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 16/02/2018 16:58

His love for alcohol has been longer than his love for you - he won't choose you I fear - even if he wanted to. Make the break, you and your ddog deserve a nicer life than the one he is giving you.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/02/2018 17:00

Go, why would you settle for this shit?
You sound great, you deserve someone who thinks so too.

Aussiebean · 16/02/2018 17:06

Go of course. You stay with nasty for the occasional good.

Aussiebean · 16/02/2018 17:06

You don’t stay with nasty for the occasional good.

Sorry

Perendinate · 16/02/2018 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2018 17:08

I would move back asap. Such men do not change and it will do you no favours at all to remain with such a person.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 16/02/2018 17:11

What do you mean you dont know what to do?

You are mid 50's and not desperate to be in a relationship so if you have relatives back home ask if you can stay for a couple of weeks while you sort a rental or, as a last resort go to a cheap hotel. Put your furniture in storage in the meantime and just tell him you are done.
You could be potentially be back in your hometown this weekend, you can do anything you want you knowFlowers

lilybetsy · 16/02/2018 17:37

go Go GO

what are you staying for? he hasn't been physically abusive YET... her horrible and treats you badly, you walk on eggshells.. cut your losses and go home

VladmirsPoutine · 16/02/2018 17:39

It does not bother me at all to be single, I am not desperate to be in a relationship, and do not rely on him for any support.

There is your answer. You have answered your own question. Yes, the emotional fallout may test you but on a practical level be done with. Tell him the relationship is over and that's it.

Makingworkwork · 16/02/2018 17:41

‘Other days are not so bad’.

Definitely leave if this is the best thing you can say about the situation.

Original poster
veryconfuddled · 16/02/2018 17:47

Thanks all - seems like a definite GO!

Should new relationships be such hard work? Am I not trying hard enough?
I cook for him, in fact do all the domestic stuff. I like cooking but clearing up...

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 16/02/2018 17:57

Leave

LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/02/2018 18:07

You do all his domestic stuff? OK, stay and you're a fool. Come on now...

fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2018 18:10

Carefully plan your move and take everything you bought and go.

Why would you remain and be someone’s verbal punchbag and unpaid skivvy?

fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2018 18:11

Also consider doing the freedom programme.

ChickenMom · 16/02/2018 18:45

Wow...why would you stick up with this? You got out of a bad marriage and have plunged right back into something bad!! Run for the hills! Christ. Really? Get out. All the progress you’ve made with your life is being degraded and destroyed!!

Original poster
veryconfuddled · 17/02/2018 11:50

Thanks, a much needed kick.
I think because some days are good, today he is having a normal day, I question myself...
But my family and friends are now telling me leave too.
Looking into van hire now and a friend here has offered me a bed till Im sorted.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/02/2018 12:32

Every day should be a 'normal' day though.
I'm glad to know you have plans, relationships should be much easier than this and you really don't need him. Be alone or be with someone fantastic - nothing in between Smile

BackInTheRoom · 17/02/2018 13:21

OP, you tried your best, come home and be with your family and friends. No more shit for thee. Thanks

StarlightSparkle · 17/02/2018 16:13

I don’t need to read further than ‘bad temper with a nasty mouth’ - leave.

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