Not ready to accept it could be over

[melclaire1111]

Not really wanting to type this but think I have to for my own sake...

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 5 and have 1 Dd - 20 months. Before DD came along we had a great relationship for most of it. However I did catch him sexting someone else a few months after we married but we worked through it and have moved on.

Things have been awful since Dd arrived. We just don't seem to be able to work as a team and it's become very apparent that we have different ideas on how we want o parent and what we want.

Dh works shifts - days and nights so since very eaely on I have done all the Night wakings. Dd doesn't sleep though, a good night up twice, a bad night can be every hour. Dh has called me many names over this (including this week a horrible, selfish person) as I won't try controlled crying/cry it out. I also work full time (mon-fri) and do the majority round the house.

Dh has issues with the fact I do most of the parenting but Dd is a munny' s girl as dh is not always around. Again this frustrates him and he takes it out on me. I try and get him involved and then he just says I'm just taking pity on him.

Our sex life is awful. He has always had a much higher sex drive and 5 times a day isn't enough for him whereas 5 times a month is enough for me. I haven't left Dd overnight yet as I don't feel happy to and I know this upsets him as he has (he works nights so that wasn't by choice but has also done weekends away with friends!)

I have given up everything for Dd and everything I do is for Dd and dh bit nothing I do is good enough. I'm called lazy, moody, horrible, selfish on a daily basis and I'm so fed up. I'm seeing a counsellor to help with the issues Dh thinks I have, and then she tells me that these issues are actually DH's but he refuses to speak to someone.

I don't know what to do anymore :-(

You are not selfish at all. He sounds like an awful abusive man and in your shoes I would finish the marriage. He may just get even worse. others will be along with better advice.

What would separation look like?
Could you afford to do this on your own?
This is a horrible situation for you and for your DD.
You do not have to put up with it.
The fact you are having counselling is a good thing.
Can your counsellor help you to see a way out?
Do you have any family or friends close by.
Unfortunately abusers usually show their true colours when the partner is pregnant or just after birth.

What do you get out of this now?.

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing your H asap.

He is projecting his own issues onto you and you are not his emotional punchbag. Its not your fault he is like this, you did not make him this way. Its not your fault he has decided to have his own private war with you. Your counsellor is also correct re him and abusive men do not change. I would also state that sound travels; your DD could very well hear her dad calling you those vile things. She is certainly picking up on all the bad vibes here within her home.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from the two of you?. She cannot and must not grow up thinking that yes this is how men do treat women.

Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here on 0808 2000 247.

I have no idea what any separation would look like as I've been refusing to admit that it's a possibility. But I am so drained from crying myself to sleep every night that I know it Can't go on.

His main source of frustration is that I don't listen to him on anything to do with Dd apparently. So not letting her cry it out etc but I feel very strongly about not wanting her to do that.

There's also the fact that we don't get the tine together that we did but I've tried to explain things have changed and it's not as easy anymore. We have some family support who have had Dd for a day when we have done days out for big events (weddings etc) but i get limited time at home with Dd anyway that I don't want to do that every weekend.

It’s good you are starting to realise that this is the best course of action he does not support you at all

Sex 5 times a day isnt enough for him

Totally mismatched sex drives. I couldn't be with a man with such a high drive.

Nor could I sandy!! If he has that much energy maybe he could do the night wakings when he is on days!!

I've done the Night wakings as he's a terrible sleeper and once awake he can lay there for hours whereas I can get up settle her and go straight back to sleep.

He has been really understanding about the sex thing but constantly makes jokes about how I owe him, and also how he is desperate for a threesome and expects one for his birthday x

You owe him a threesome for his birthday.

Read that sentence back. Does that sound like a request that a loving partner makes?

It really isn't. He isn't prepared to be one or a decent father. He's a fucking arsehole and I'm sorry you're married to him. This won't get better so I'd go and see a solicitor on Monday and begin divorce proceedings. Honestly, he's a really horrible human being.

what is stopping you leaving. I have read all your threads he does nothing at all and treats you with such disrespect

Exactly how is even jokingly asking for a threesome being understanding. And no one needs sex 5 times a day that is not a high sex drive it’s verging on addiction.

He is awful op

I guess it sounds awful but I don't want to share custody of Dd so I don't want to leave. The thought of her being away from me overnight breaks my heart and I know I would have to deal with that if we split.

Financial security as well. I coukd probavly manage on my own but it would be hard and i don't know if I'd be able to manage.

What is your response when he calls you names? If he is not getting up at night why is he so bothered, is he even aware it happens?

The journey to separation is often a few small lightbulbs as the reality of your marriage sinks in.Most women also try very hard before they leave.
You will cope solo and over time that will become clear.
Is he aware you are considering separation?

What childcare split do you think he would want though considering he would have to do it

He is making his issues yours that is no way for you or your daughter to live

He is unlikely to want to look after your Dd overnight though, based on what you said. As for sharing custody, he's her dad and will hopefully take good care of her on his days. She deserves the chance to bond with her dad too as he might turn out to be a better father than partner. You go to the hairdresser, gym and meet your friends for a coffee those days.
There's so much light at the end of the tunnel...

Urgh. He's emotionally abusing you. You could definitely manage alone OP, thank goodness you went back to work!

What kind of support do you have locally?

This is the thing he moans he never does the Night wakings but then when she cries in the Night he moans about it and will just leave her. He thinks it's my fault she is not sleeping through yet and won't accept the fact that she just dosen' t.

He would want to have her most evenings after he finishes work and she finishes nursery and I imagine 1 weekend day.

My parents are local but they are elderly (80's) and reslly not in the best of health.

He went out and got extremely drunk last night to the point he was throwing up all night and then screaming in his sleep so kept me up most of the night. I had to pick him up off the bathroom floor and clean up the floor where he'd missed the toilet. He then called me a horrible person again and told me that I obviously don't fancy him cos I don't want sex with him (not true I do fancy him I'm just tired and have no sex drive at the moment!) And then juat told me to shut up everytime I asked if he was ok.

You are being abused. He wants a 3some for his birthday WTF? You are doing all the night shifts and are exhausted and he thinks that’s appropriate? He’s not a good person and totally unsupportive and you should make him leave. Imagine how lovely and peaceful your life would be without dealing with his nastiness