Is it possible to re-ignite a spark/lust (after time apart)

[PaperRockMissile]

You know that feeling you have when you first get together with someone if there is a spark - sort of rainbows,hearts and lust and thinking about them all the time, wanting to see them.

If that goes, is it possible to re-ignite it at all ever and if so how? Or when it's gone has it gone?

Maybe if you haven't seen each other for ages, and one person has changed (physically - fitter, slimmer hotter or even personality - become happier or more confident). I'm thinking particularly from a man's perspective rather than a woman's if it is any different.

That's a definite no then I take it.

How long have you been apart for? What are the circumstances?

It's not me, it's my friend. I didn't post the circumstances because it isn't really relevant to the question - which is once that sparky stuff has gone has it gone for good? or can things (like changes in a person) bring it back.

As you asked, A year. She hasn't seen him in that time but he is moving back. When they started seeing each other he was "the spark" keen - called her regularly, made an effort, really wanted to spend time with her but it tailed off and he started treating her like an option not a priority as they say.

I think once that "I want to be with you/call you" spark has gone its gone for good. She thinks that with men it can be reactivated.

I was asking for thought as to whether she is right and if so what is it that reawakens that reactivation in a man.

It is largely circumstantial. What caused them to split and what has happened in their lives in that time? Has anything fundamentally changed? What do they want out of it?

Men and women can just want sex and if find someone willing to play that game then they go along with it. Otherwise what was their entire relationship based on?

To answer the basic premise of your question: Yes - a spark can be re-ignighted.

Well a lot of couples counselling is built around rekindling that passion, but both parties have to commit. If your friend thinks she can fix things by herself, I think she's destined for disappointment.

depends why it happened.
If you have been really stressed and not managed to prioritise the relationship for a while and its become dull, then thats one thing.
If youve realised you dont actually fancy or like your partner that much anymore or theyre just crap, then no, i dont think you can come back from that

What caused them to split and what has happened in their lives in that time? Has anything fundamentally changed

She ended it because he was "treating her like an option not a priority". It became more casual and he was making clear that it wasn't an exclusive relationship. I think after they split up he was seeing lots of women. His job then took him abroad. He's been away for about 11 months and is moving back.

She hasn't really met anyone else she liked as much. She was really in love with him she says and was cut up about ending it - so she took up the gym as a get over him mechanism. She lost weight and looks fantastic - that thing happened when women suddenly get more confident and everything falls into place so she makes more effort with her dress etc whereas before she was in baggy dark hiding clothes all the time.

He texted her and suggested meeting up when he gets back.

To answer the basic premise of your question: Yes - a spark can be re-ignighted.

How do you do this though? If he was treating her like an option before, why would he now go back to being all calling/keen to see her/thinking about you all the time type dating?

I just don't see it.

Is this about you OP?

It seems there are two different issues at play here. If he was treating her as an option and not interested in commitment and she subsequently went off and did her own thing and become more confident as a result; I'd strongly encourage her to continue doing just that and getting over him.

A relationship can become bland but with both parties willing - a spark can be re-ignighted. But that doesn't sound like what is happening here. A spark being re-ignighted requires both parties to be willing and invested. Not a man that chucked you aside because he wanted to do his own thing then is coming back home.

It's two separate issues.

Are they even in contact? How would they even 'come back together'?

You dont have to see it as youbarent the one in it. As much as your friend may have rold you about the relationship or this man you will never no the full ins and outs to make a judgement call on her behalf.

Is this about you OP?

No - I'm married!

Are they even in contact? How would they even 'come back together'?

He texted her - see previous post. She seems to think she can "win him back" and he'll see the 'new' her and fall totally in love and he'll go back to being the keen ardent suitor he was when she first started seeing her.

I think it's because she hasn't got over him and once someone starts treating you like a non-spark situation, it's over. I think she should stay well away from him because she's going to get hurt. He won't suddenly re-spark in the way she wants (I'm not talking about just lust; I'm talking about that 'falling in love' kind of spark).

We were disagreeing about it and I wondered whether my firm belief that once its gone its gone was shared and if not, why not.

Then in that case, I wholly agree with you. She wants to 'show him what he lost'. Heartbreak lies that way. It will become a bit of an on/off dance and someone - most likely her will end up being broken (again).

The spark issue doesn't really come into this. What they have is an on/off emotional string-pulling drama. Someone in these instances always gets hurt.

I'd encourage her to keep up this new look and feeling but let go of him.

Obviously you are not her keeper so cannot control her but I suppose the only question for you is whether or not you will be there to pick up the pieces when they invariably fall apart?

The spark issue doesn't really come into this.

Well I'm not sure that's right. I think if people were to say "actually I've known of situations where a guy started acting like really didn't care very much but then later because of these reasons his feelings changed, he fell in love" then at least she could be approaching it on a rational basis. go and see him give it a chance but be very warey.

I just think that once that keen/want to see you period (what I'm calling a spark for short hand but really that sort of ardent keeness that happens at the beginning of a relationship where you can't bear to be apart) has gone (especially if you have slept together), that it can never be recaptured.

In other words, once it's gone if you are wanting a bf who will treat you like that, you are 100% wasting your time even seeing him.

I just can't see how that intial phase could ever be re-established myself.

I think this man is complete @~%*# btw but that is a different point.

Honestly, from everything you said this guy is a shitbag loser who yes absolutely will chew her up all over again.

There never was ‘a spark’ he was just making an effort to get sex at the beginning the last time. He has texted her because he wants sex when he comes home.

She might preen like a peacock in her new body but even without the gym he’d still have texted for an easy lay...

Just this time she’s going to hurt herself even more having built up so much pride re her looks.

Direct her to the baggage reclaim blog...

@PaperRockMissile With all due respect the type of 'spark' you referenced upthread does not come into this specific conundrum. He might get his leg over whilst feigning a new found like for her. He might genuinely like her. But that ship has sailed. She needs to move on and cut him out.

But that ship has sailed. She needs to move on and cut him out

That's my point. I'm glad you agree with me. The ship has sailed.

And I said as much upthread - I think I said I wholly agreed with your stance. The question remains now what? If you keep banging on about it to her then you risk your friendship. What else is there to do than let her get on with it and be there to pick up the pieces.