Mother and daughter relationship

[Roban]

I've had the most unreasonable blasting over the telephone by my daughter and still finding it difficult to cope because it was so awful and being 80 I don't cope as well as I once did. I tried to talk to her but it was impossible I couldn't get a word in edgewise and so the situation is stalemate. It was so bad I'm ashamed to say I don't want to speak to her ever again and that is so sad. Have other elderly Mums had a similar experience I feel so guilty.

Hi Roban, could you elaborate a little as to what's happening?

I'm sorry you've gone through this roban. I can only speak from your daughters perspective, having done similar to my own mother.

I don't know if it helps, but I love her more than anything. We're really close, she just gets on my wick. Not much of an excuse I realise. for you.

I was sent for a pelvic scan and a Dr. rang shortly after to say I needed an urgent referral as endometrial cancer was suspected. It was such a shock even at 80. I went for a biopsy two weeks' later, which couldn't be completed, but I was told cancer wasn't suspected and I would be seen in 3 months. I understand my daughter had been very worried but the blasting I got was awful saying I shouldn't have told her anything until a result was confirmed. I tried telling her how sorry I was that I'd told her of the original diagnosis but she wouldn't listen and carried on blasting. We've always had a delicate relationship and this last episode was as though she has an inbuilt resentment it was so hateful. It isn't not knowing what to do about the situation which is worrying me it's the fact I've had years of occasional blasts and got over them but this one I just can't forget and feel ashamed how I feel about her. All the years when I have helped whenever I can have always resulted in a blast if I've not conformed at the right time. She's 51 and has things going on in her life I understand that but I didn't deserve what she gave. It was so bad, I feel I don't want to hear from her ever again because I know in the future it's likely to happen again, life has always been like that between us. I just wondered how other mums had coped and if they felt like I do.

This is shocking. She really shouldn’t be talking to you like that. I spent most of today feeling really sad that I’ll never have a daughter but reading your thread I’d rather not have one than one like yours! Really feel for you. Do you have other children you can speak to or anyone that could go speak to her on your behalf and explain how unreasonable she is being?

Could you tell her how you feel Roban?

So sorry to hear what is happening. What a stressful time for you. My mum was misdiagnosed with cancer once, huge sympathy for you. I think it is very fair of you to take some time out of your relationship with your daughter. some people deal with fear in unusual ways. But it sounds like you deserve some gentle peace and quiet and tlc right now. Let the phone go to answer machine. You can email if she gets uber worried?

Hi To ban,

This is a situation where you're damned if you do, & damned if you don't.

Last year I was admitted with awful abdo pain. I was in a side ward for 5 days on morphine. Ops every 15 mins etc. I had suspected ovarian cancer. Turned out I didn't. So Dh & I decided to just in the first instance tell the our daughters after the event. Months later it was a topic of conversation with my Dbro & his wife. He hasn't spoken to me for around 10months. I despair. But I believe it was a catalyst to ending a series of bad behaviour on his part towards me. My life is enriched with his absence in it. Really.

Can you write a letter as to how you feel? Yes, a good old fashioned paper copy.

for you.

*Roban, sorry.

I'm so sorry for this Roban.

I do have to warn you however that MN is not usually supportive of mothers in situations like this. In fact MN is usually extremely hostile towards mothers in your situation. Projection, see.

It's a bit dire bcs it's so hard to get some good advice and feedback. You've been OK on your thread so far but I really would prepare to be flamed. You may not be but be warned!

Thanks so much for listening it really helps. I have lovely friends but none of them have ever been in my situation that's why I wrote to see if anyone else had. There's no point in writing by snail-mail explaining how I feel as there is only one opinion that matters and that's hers. The only way I could ease this situation is to apologise for cutting her off the phone and I don't feel there is anything to apologise for. After the first blasting, I decided to stand up for myself and rang her back to say I didn't think much to the ticking off and that she could have handled her feelings in a different way but I couldn't get a word in, the blasting got worse and all I remember hearing was she was a grown woman and it was up to her how she dealt with things and that I should stop sulking that's when I cut her off I couldn't stand any more.
The only thing she might do in time is to ring and say - how much longer's this going on for - and I dread it because I wouldn't know how to deal with such attitude. I feel a mixture of sadness at this time in life but at the same time I couldn't stand this sort of thing ever happening again and afraid to restart the relationship. I don't know if the menopause is responsible for such dire behaviour but if it is, she needs help. In the past I've helped her over lots of problems but I can't do any more for her I just feel worn out. I do have a son who is lovely but I've not got him involved.

Springydaffs, really surprised MN would react in the way you mention I thought it was for Mums.

That's awful. My parents are the opposite, only telling me stuff once they've been given the old clear. I'd much prefer to know if there were any issues as I could support and not be worried they're not telling me stuff.

It sounds like she can't cope with the worry though. Is there someone else you can confide in?

PS I'm glad you got given the all clear.