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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I try and work things out?

6 replies

StillAgony · 16/02/2018 11:43

This will be a long post, but do bear with me as I really do need to know how to try and decide what's best...
10 mths ago I met a widow, he's in his 60s, and it was probably too soon for him to start seeing someone. We live 60 miles apart, and I spent my days off - 3 or 4 days at a time - with him....
So, the night before valentines day an email pops up from a woman saying she would love to meet again, followed by some quite sexually explicit text.....
I was aware from day one that he and his late wife - they were together 30 odd yrs - attended group sex and swingers evenings, and when I challenged him it is where he met this woman. He has always said they enjoyed sex for what it was, and both saw people for just sex, and saved the emotional sex for between themselves...I said very early on that I wanted an exclusive relationship, and if he wanted sex with others we should discuss it so I could decided if I still wanted our relationship to continue.
He saw her with his wife's knowledge for a while, then she asked him to stop, which he did for 3+yrs until they got in touch again. He last saw her 6 mths before his wife died, and there was last contact by email over a year ago. Their emails over time are very sexually explicit and I know they have done sexual things for each other on Skype.
He has shown me the emails between them this time round, which do only seem to have started on 11th Feb, but escalated rapidly in 24hrs. But strangely he hadn't told her about the death of his wife..
He says he wants me, loves me and wants us to try and work things out. He has emailed her now saying his wife died and he's met someone else and in order for our relationship to survive he does not want any further contact with her
...is this enough???

OP posts:
AthenasOwl · 16/02/2018 11:50

Hi I don't have any real practical advice but you need to ask yourself if it's enough for you.
He's said he's going to cut that person off and focus on you and your relationship. It really is down to you wether you trust that and want to give it a chance.

scurryfunge · 16/02/2018 11:51

I wouldn’t waste any more of my time with someone like that.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2018 11:58

You are sexually attracted to this person ? Confused

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/02/2018 11:59

It wouldn't be enough for me. It sounds really sleazy to be honest, and I'm not convinced his wife was going along with it, either.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 12:02

He just sounds all a bit..... icky!
I don't know, though.
This is your life and if you think he's genuine and wants to be with you only and you are happy to be with him then give a go.
For me it's all a bit creepy though.

StillAgony · 16/02/2018 12:03

We go on holiday in April, and I think I'm sort of using that as a 'marker' to see how I feel between now and then. I go home tomorrow for 6 days of work, and know it'll be tough.. I did ask if he hadn't have been found out would he have gone on to meet her, and he said he didn't know. I suppose it was honest of him....
Personally I don't think I'll get past it, but wonder if I should give it til the holiday to see how I feel..it's not something I've encountered before..I have a friend who has, 3 yrs down the line she still can't get past it. I won't be like that, and will walk away if it seems I'm not able to move on....suppose I'm just wondering if I'm over reacting :)

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