How can you tell if moving is the right thing to do?

[LookingForPerspective2015]

DH and I and two (young) school-age DC live in a small village outside London.

I love it here. The countryside is beautiful, the village school is great and I have a great network of supportive friends. It's 35 minutes on the train to London which means nights out there are achievable but require planning.

DH's commute takes him an hour or more each way and he's finding it really tough and doesn't see the kids much during the week. He also feels he doesn't have many friends, not much chance to socialise without it being a hassle and doesn't feel there's much to do during the winter months (I disagree but appreciate the stuff there is to do round here isn't always to his taste and can involve a drive which he finds offputting). He's pretty unhappy, and wants to consider moving in order to solve these problems.

I'm heartbroken at the idea of giving up the place where we live and starting afresh somewhere else but appreciate it would be selfish to retain my happiness at the expense of DH's, so we have to find a compromise. I think his ideal would be to move back to London but I love the country and couldn't live there again, much as I love visiting it.

Here's the rub: I think he suffers from mild depression and - barring the commute issue which is very real - I am worried he may be pinning his hopes of solving his unhappiness on a new location when that might not be the issue. He disagrees and says he has thought this through carefully and for a long time.

So - any ideas on how we can we be sure we'd be moving for the right reasons?

You won't know until you do it.
You need to find a compromise though.
Do you have friends where you live now?
Has he seen his GP about depression?
2-3 hour commute a day is not that unusual but I know I couldn't do it again.

Can you afford to move back into London to an area with decent schools that would give him a short commute?

What if he changes jobs and ends up with an hour+ commute again...

It sounds like he's wanting to cling to his ore kids life in London rather than investing in new friends and hobbies where you currently live.

I think he needs to get some support for himself first before you consider a move as a move isn't just about one person. You're a family now and all your needs need to be taken into consideration.

Coming from my own personal experience, I wouldn't be ready to uproot the family to shave 30 minutes off a commute. Presumably even if you move back into London, you're not going to be right next to his office. He'll still have 20-30 minutes probably in the city to commute. If you're only 35 minutes away from Central London now, you're pretty close. I think he needs to be more resourceful in terms of planning his days to make that commute as manageable as possible. Working 3-4 long days. Flexible hours. Working from home 1-2 days a week, etc. Or perhaps consider thinking about a new position which might along more flexibility, quality of life, a more direct commute.

I used to commute into London and Reading. I did it 3 days a week, 3 hours and 10 minutes each way door to door. Thats's a long commute. It was sustainable in the short-term, but not something I was willing to do for years and years. But my dh and I both love our life in our little village. We've done big city living. We've lived and worked all over the world in some massive metropolises. And we're over it. Our dd goes to a lovely village school. We are settled in the countryside now. The solution at the time was flexible hours for me and working from home, so I only had to commute into the office 3 days (sometimes only 2) a week. Ultimately, I've moved on and found a better position for me with greater flexibility, a shorter commute, etc.

I know commuting is tough, but I think you need to sit down and talk about what options you have. For the sake of shaving off 30 minutes, I would be considered everything else first before upping and moving, especially if you realistically don't think how he feels is because of the commute. Just my two cents having been there myself.

Thank you all - your perspectives are really useful. Will reply properly shortly ...

I think the answer is for him to find a job somewhere else. Maybe a smaller UK city?

Working in London, an hour commute isn't bad at all. Even if you lived in London, is it likely to be much shorter?

Thanks again everyone, you've really helped our thought processes. We've agreed to focus on two concrete things - firstly to look at the location of good secondary schools, and then to think about the commute based on that. I feel more comfortable with this plan, as I agree they're two things we need to work out.

To answer questions, DH does get a seat so his commute could be worse but I do understand 2-2.5 hours every day (esp in the winter which he struggles with anyway) is tough. We do have the means to move to London but I've lived there before and although I love it I won't do it again - I need to be somewhere rural(ish) for my own mental health, and DH does love being rural during the summer.

He can't work elsewhere as he's in a highly specialised field and it was hard to find this job. But I think once we've looked at schools he needs to push much harder for some level of flexibility, which isn't forthcoming at the moment (and isn't especially easy given the nature of the work). WFH one day a week would make a big difference.

And finally, no, he hasn't seen the GP about his depression - that's an ongoing issue. He feels finding the right work/life/location balance would fix it, and I'm not so sure. But that's another thread ...