AIBU to think that they should be happy for us?

[Hozzer22]

I’ve name changed for this as, coupled with my previous posts, it would be outing.

Basically DH & I have a rocky relationship with my in laws (his parents). This began when DC1 arrived when I was fairly young & naive at 24. They wanted me to just fall in line and bring up our children exactly how they wished. In all honesty, I think they wanted to parent via me, if that makes sense. I have always been non confrontational but I suppose becoming a parent sort of gave me a back bone. After the first few months passed, we figured out there intentions and DH called them and told them how we were feeling about certain things that had been going on. Nothing changed after this. In fact, they refused to speak to DH for a month but then started talking to him as if his discussion had never happened.

Anyway, fast forward 5 years. We now have 2 lovely DC and are very happy. DH has to move due to his career on occasion and our accommodation is subsidised through his work but we don’t get to choose our house. We’ve had some poor accommodation in the past but we’re recently moved to a beautiful new build house. It’s really lovely and a massive step up for us. We’ve had loads of visitors lately and they’ve all been delighted for us and just complimented the house, which has been a nice change from welcoming people into the run down hoyses we’ve had in the past. The information we have from DHs work leads us to believe we’ll be here for quite some time so we’re thrilled.

We recently had DHs parents down and they had very few nice things to say about the place. Our (south facing) garden is on a slight slope, this was mentioned repeatedly. The fact we’re mid terrace and not end terrace, the fact our garage isn’t directly attached to the side of house (but is accessible from the back garden). We’d walk past another house and they’d say “oh that would have been much better for you, wouldn’t it!” We had a visit recently from DH’s sister and it was much the same sort of comments. “This is a weird layout isn’t it?”, “what were they thinking not levelling the garden” etc etc. Literally not a single nice comment. She hasn’t seen our children for 6 months and she didn’t even have a single compliment to pay either of them. Literally joked one of them was scowling at her and said the other had got big, but not a single nice thing. I’m quite an intuitive person and I just know MIL, FIL & SIL all bitch about me/us when they get together. When one of them visits, it almost feels to me like they’re just trying to gather more info to bitch about. Every time I see them, it eats away at me. We are welcoming them into our home and they just aren’t nice to us. It’s DH I feel most sorry for, even if we had the perfect life, they’d come in and find a fault. DH says we just have to put up with it and let it all be water off a ducks back, but he’s a better person than me. It sort of boils my blood that they can’t ever be happy for us and I just don’t understand it. DH basically wants me to not care what they say behind our backs but I just can’t seem to let it go. I feel like DH has some serious misplaced loyalty to them. Am I the problem here? Help,

So you're 29 and they treat you like a naive young woman? Sadly a lot of MNers actual mothers pull this crap. It's horrible.

What are are your PILs like with your children?

You need to kill them with kindness every single time (or sarcasm)

And repeat

'You think it would be better why?'
'You think the garage needs attaching why?'
'You think DS is scowling? Why?'

The onus is on them then to come up with an answer - and they hear how rude they are .... simple and effective

@Hozzer22 I am sorry to hear this. In your shoes I'd have another chat to dh and decide how you will handle the relationship with your in laws.

He can then decide to follow suit or do it his way.

For example, you could:

1. Ignore, water off a duck's arse
2. Laugh
3. Pehsaps say something like "Have you anything positive to say, your negative comments are just so offensive."
4. Ask what they hope to achieve with their negativity
5. Not invite them over

I think I would go for a combination of all 5.

There are some people who are just not very nice and they sound like it. Your dh probably needs to see the good in them because he is their son. That is his choice. You can also choose to ignore them. If it were me I think I would actually walk away or just ignore negative comments but in a pointed "your comments are stupid" way.

But if their comment required an answer I would say "We love this place. I would hope you could be happy for us." And then be busy with something else.

Cross posted with GreenTulips, excellent advice, do that.

hozzer some people are just rude and have zero self awareness (my PIL are examples). Or they could be jealous and intending to be rude.

Either way my advice is to stick up for yourself as they're getting away with murder. I like the advice above: to repeat what they say and ask why they think it - it totally puts it back on them and highlights how rude they are in a reasonably not confrontational way (if you say it without being defensive - just like "oh really why do you think so?"). Then you'll be the level headed person who won't be drawn into all the nonsense and drama.

It sounds like you guys are having a lovely life together so don't let these people sap the energy/ goodness out of it.

Thank you for the replies. After each visit, I end up spouting all of this off to DH and I think he finds it draining, so I really need to stop doing that. I don’t want to upset him. I just find it difficult because the dynamics in my family are so different. Although I’ve been non confrontational in the past, it’s a little different with my own family. I’d have had absolutely no reservations about saying to them, “why do you never have anything nice to say about our lives. Your negativity is getting boring!” or something along those lines. I think it just pains me that DH doesn’t say anything. His argument is that he tried saying something to them in the past and it massively went south. Now it’s just made our relationship with them even worse (which is true because it’s just very awkward between us now). I, on the other hand, am sick fed up of welcoming people into our home that are only going to ridicule us. It really gets to me.

You really do have to try to let this go in my opinion. You love your house and your life and your DH, they are jealous in some obscure way, you need to laugh and move on. I know its hard but you are so far up on the moral high ground, that must be comforting?

Lower your expectations of them. You know what they are like so don’t expect better. I’m sorry they sound horrible - but you do have to let it go because they won’t change and your husband can not change the fact he’s related to them. It’s all about getting yourself in the right mind set. Good luck.

some people are just rude and have zero self awareness (my PIL are examples). Or they could be jealous and intending to be rude.

They’ve always been a little bit on the rude side, but at the moment the negativity is just constant. To me it feels like jealousy but I’m not too sure what’s triggering the jealoust. SIL & her DH has just bought new cars (and very fancy ones at that), new house and various other big purchases. Each purchase is plastered all over Facebook though, in a ‘look how well we’re doing... be jealous of us’ sort of way. We have one car (not fancy) and we aren’t home owners. I’m a SAHM at the moment as DC are young. But I do often think that there must be something lacking in the lives of people who feel the need to put everything they buy on facebook.

Maybe theyre just jealous of the fact that you are happy with what you have. That drives some materialistic people insane I believe.

I think you're spot on with the notion that needing to post constantly on Facebook about how perfect everything is, is actually (often) a sign of deeper unhappiness or discontent. For the SIL at least it probably drives her crazy that despite having less your family seems 'happier.'

I think with PIL the have a deep desire to see us fail. We didnt want or need all their parenting “advice” (more like demands) so they basically want to be proved right that we should have done things their way. I’ve spent a long time trying to prove myself but it’s all been a waste of time. I just don’t like letting people into my life who seem to just want to sabotage it.

Hozzer

Your last post is correct re his parents.

I would keep your own self and your children well away from his toxic parents. Do not have these people in your home any more. What are your boundaries like with regards to them, your boundaries could do with being further raised here.

People from dysfunctional families like your DHs end up playing roles; what is his role here?. As his sister seems more favoured he is likely to be the familial scapegoat.

Your DH is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his parents along with his own inertia re them hence his comments along the lines of well we'll just have to put up with it. He still wants their approval even now, approval they will never give him. No you do not have to put up with them at all. He may want to continue to have a relationship of sorts with his parents but that does not mean that you automatically have to as well.

I would read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

I’ve really distanced myself in the last few years. I don’t ever talk to them on the phone. It’s just the visits I can’t handle. I know this is all kinds of wrong, but I end up trying to give them no ammunition, by having everything perfect, but it’s fruitless really. They will find something regardless.

How often do the visit and for how long? I would take myself off to a cafe and enjoy a nice drink, a book and a slice of cake for a couple hours. You might need to eat two slices of cake (no one said it would be easy!).

So stop inviting them!! No law says they have to visit!! If dh wants to see them he can visit them /take the dc - disengage yourself from them. Save your mh.

(can i just congratulations on your new home ? it sounds lovely !)

They live hundreds of miles away so DH seeing them involves them visiting. They thankfully stay at a hotel but they’ll be down for a week at a time. DH doesn’t want this to change. It’s hard because it’s all or nothing.

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares Thats kind, thank you ☺️

I read on here, years ago, an excellent idea that I've put into practice now and then.

Make a Bingo card. Every time one of them makes a negative comment, cross off a square. Turn their negativity into a positive for you. Reward yourself with a prize when your card is complete.

I got to the stage where I actually hoped for a negative comment

If they notice what you're doing, you have two options- either breezily say 'Oh nothing!' (which will drive them nuts) or tell them exactly what you're doing- 'Oh it's Negativity Bingo haha! It's fun! And I've nearly won a prize'.

This is only for if you absolutely have to be in their presence of course. Ideally I would be out, or muster up the courage to call them on their rudeness. But if you can't do those, this is a good coping strategy.

Your new home does sound lovely, and all the negativity from other people can't take that away from you.

DH doesn’t want this to change.

Well it isn't just up to him.

You have the right to live without a situation like this - you don't have to put up with it, at all. So you say to him - if you don't feel you can speak to them - or that if you did, it wouldn't get us the result we want - then the solution for me is that I will be arranging time away when they visit, so me and the children are only here for say two days of a week's visit. (Yes- the children too - you have the right to say that you won't have the children spending a week with grandparents who look critically at them and whose only comment is that one of them has 'got a bit big.')

They won't like that either, of course - so you say cheerfully to DH, well I'm quite happy to tell them that we don't like their endless negativity so feel that two days is plenty and any longer and we'll fall out. Is that ok?

He can't have it all his way. He can't tell you to welcome them into your home and spend your time with them and at the same time tell you he's not going to stick up for you or work to make the relationship with his parents any more pleasant for you.

He sorts it or he entertains them himself.

This does remind me of a friend whose mother is like this, when they moved a couple of years ago she was literally on the point of telling her mother where to go (so she had nothing to lose!) - she gave her mum and stepdad a house tour where she took them round pointing out every possible negative - 'Oh you'll love this mum, see that spot - apparently there was a damp problem in the corner, all fixed now but just think, it might come back so, there's something for you to look forward to, oh and if you look out there, see this bit of the garden at the front, hardly ever gets the sun, just think, you can remind me of that every time you come round for a cuppa. If you go upstairs, note Mum that the third bedroom is a really odd shape? You'll be really pleased to see you probably can't get a lot of furniture in there...' I think it ended in a big row but she said it was well worth it

DH says we just have to put up with it and let it all be water off a ducks back, but he’s a better person than me

No, he's not, he's just been conditioned by his parents into treating them like this. He can let it be water off a duck's back, but you don't have to. But I second a PP's suggestion of turning it all into a joke. That way they can't pull you up on rudeness ('just joking!') but you can get your point across.

And be grateful they don't live just down the road - they sound like very insecure people! Have a lovely life with your lovely family - success is the best form of revenge after all!

FizzyGreenWater, your friend is a genius. That is truly brilliant, and I hope the message finally got through to her Mum.

OP, you might consider trying it as you, too, have nothing to lose. I'd tell DH first, though. Or have him do it!

I know Beware - as soon as I read OP's post it sprung back into my head and I actually laughed out loud! It was brilliant at the time. Did her the world of good and yes it did get the point across. Hasn't made much difference long term to the relationship with her mum mind.

Things like that are some of the reason I'm so relentlessly hard line about all this stuff - I have never, never known of a person who has those slightly abusive shity traits (be they domineering mums or grumpy twatty partners or interfering MILs) ever change, no matter how they were tackled. My advicve is always to tell them to fuck off and walk away!

Your post rang a bell with regards to my bil and his wife, when younger he was the one who always ‘did well materially’ whilst my husband struggled a bit to establish a career etc. As soon as did and is successful in what he does in a cool industry, bil started with the nasty remarks, it’s as if he begrudges his brother doing ‘ok’ because it makes him feel that little bit less superior .