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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who's in the wrong? Me or him ? I'm so confused.

21 replies

Aaliyahali · 15/02/2018 19:35

Alot! has happened in 2017. Got with my current boyfriend around Dec 2016, and started to live with him since March 2017. So that was just 3 months into our relationship. How I met him was, he lived at his dad's and I lived at my mums and they happen to be neighbours, only 2 doors away so occasionaly bumped into him untill he asked me on a date. He bought his own house On mortgage, which is 60 miles away and only moved into around time we got together as house was under construction that whole couple of years he had it prior to meeting me. I got the impression he was the one, considering we were neighbours at the start and we were both single and he had his life together with a good job and a place and was well kept. People seemed to like him and he went to the gym everyday. I was willing to just give it a go without taking it slow like I prob should have. Anyway we went on just a few dates at the start, and most of the time asked me to pay :/ which i wernt used too but thought maybe he was just seeing how I was like as a person. We did get on well and three months in, he asked me to 'not live or move in' but to come round his house to help him out, settle and stuff. So i did. I bought cook books and was learning recipes to cook him food he liked, I cleaned up everytime i went round and made him settle in his own home. Done his laundry washed the dishes. Gave him company. My job was only 5 mins from where i lived before, with my mum and she done most the household work such as cooking and laundry so my life was easier then. But I made the sacrifice to work full still at my job and travel 60 miles there and back every single day, do the cooking cleaning etc. I started to sleep round every night ever since. So in April I got pregnant so that was 1 month after I started going round and sleeping there with him. This was my 1st pregnancy so i was scared. He said he was happy and will look after me so i felt at ease but sadly misscarried 8 weeks later. I was sad and took a week off work. I was alone in the house grieving as he went to work and didn't stay with me so i had a mini break down/depressive moment. He has his own business and choses his own hours so he could have easily supported me or grieved with me. Anyway moving on i got pregnant again 4 weeks later. And till now i am still pregnant. Currently 8 months. Now thing im confused about is his lack of support. And does he truly love me ? And should I leave before baby comes? I left my mums home to stay with him just to make him settle in his own house, I cooked his meals every night and done his laundry, going out to do heavy bagged food shopping. I slept in the same bed with him every single night and did not even once spend a night out with mates or even during the day because he never liked it. I worked full time to self supprt myself and travelled hours from his to work every single day without complaining . I have attended all my antental appintments and he only came to one so far. Says he needs to works and men who do go are most likely men who dont work and on benefits with lots of time on their hands. Complains when sometimes the cleaning duties aint done and I then moan that he should help because I'm tired and also his so messy and I like a clean home but only to tell me I dont pay rent so it is my duty to do it. Tells me to stop moving so much at night when i am simply jist in pain from the pregnancy in my back. Tells me I have lost my shape and really fat and if I would be able to lose the weight. I feel so ugly and unattractive because of it. 8 months pregnant and I still have not met his family. yet all his does is talk about them and talk on the phone with them and when his not doing that his watching tv or having a fag and doesn't speak with me the whole night apart from 'what's for dinner my love'. Didn't even make it clear that Iam living here and can move my stuff in so spent all that year getting my letters from my mums and change of clothes. I dont even feel at home here anyway because its all decorated to his likings and im hardly allowed a say. He bought the baby cot and pram last month and I want to do a baby nursery i mean c'mon he has 3 spare bedrooms but his jjst not enthusiastic to do it. His shown no excitement and this is also his 1st. I paid for the 4d scan 140 pounds and he still didnt bother goibg to that either. He turnt vegetarian few months ago and has forced me to not eat meat and gets angry when i bring it in the house. we haven't been on any dates for months! I'm not only bored but forgotten what i like, what i enjoy. I been in maternity leave since this week and expects me to stay indoors and not go or see any1. I was saving before I met him but where i thought he would suport me I spent every penny of my money and now in a small debt by buying him expensive gifts on occasions and buying baby stuff and maternity clothes. Where his financially doing well i explained this to him and he said if I need money i can work for him so soon his goinh to set up a job for me in house to do all his paperwork and admin work. I can't see why he can't just suport me instead as im tired. I sacrificed many hours of extra work i used to do jist so driving back to his was possible and now on leave for a year.isnt growing a baby and cleaning n cooking and soon to be mum in just 6 weeks taking care of the baby enough work? He financially supports his mum n dad and helps his mates out with money all the time. If given him my time and loyalty and growing him this baby means not so much to him. When i mentioned marriage to him He said no because alot of women use men to take his money. He makes me feel worthless. I applied to the council to say im homeless and im not wanted at my mums nompre because her partner cant stand me and im worried if my partner will get worse after baby is here. Should i move into the prob hostel like accomodation im most Likely to get or try make it work. When i tell him aboit my feelings he just says i dont know whata right n whats wrong becsuse i was abused in the past. He uses my past against me. He says he loves me all the time n i Love him alot. But dont know wjat to do. He has done and said so much more things but I'll be here all night

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 15/02/2018 19:48

He's fallen on his feet - you do all the cooking, cleaning, and he gets to call the shots.

I often think on man that people are to recommend LTB, but in case, not. He has shown no support in you, your pregnancy or your baby. Things won't better. When the Baby comes, your priority will be him/her. Things like cleaning will get overlooked. Dp will not like that.

teethtrauma · 15/02/2018 19:50

Get out of there! I don’t know where to, but just get out. This man really doesn’t love you. He just wants to own you.

Leave. ASAP. You could go into labour at any minute, and as soon as you do, you’ll be so vulnerable. And that’ll be it. Game over, stuck in an even more unbearable situation than you are now, until who knows when.

Get out.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2018 19:51

It doesn’t sound like you’re actually in a relationship with him? You’ve just been a maid and provider of sexual services for nothing in return.

I would definitely leave and start getting set up on your own for the arrival of your baby. You will both be fine without him and he will have to pay maintenance so that will hopefully be some money.

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 19:51

So he asked you to help him "settle" - meaning come round, clean, cook, do his washing and have sex with him, but you're not allowed to go out with mates night or day because he doesn't like it... he impregnated you and now calls you fat? What on earth are you still doing there?! What do you get out of this?

OccasionalNachos · 15/02/2018 19:53

I hope this isn’t real but if it is, please leave him & go and live with your mum again.

user1498854363 · 15/02/2018 19:54

Op, get out now, he is taking advantage of you, this isn’t love( and I know it’s not all hearts and flowers) but he isn’t showing ‘care’. Get out, it may be hard initially but it would be harder being around someone who just wants a cleaner/cook. How is that good for a child?
Leave ASAP.

WTFIsThisVirus · 15/02/2018 19:56

I agree with everyone. Please go back to your mum, or accept any accommodation offered by the council.

He wants a maid, cook and a prostitute (I'm not calling you one), not a relationship.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/02/2018 19:57

This is fucked up. You are his maid and fuck doll. This is not a relationship.

pog100 · 15/02/2018 19:59

you will get lots of good advice here but one thing is certain.... this man is not good for you in the slightest and is only interested in what you can do for him. You must extract yourself and preferably avoid all ties to him by not naming him as the father and hoping he doesn't want contact. He is bad, bad news in your life. I am sorry you deserve better.

QuietNinjaTardis · 15/02/2018 20:00

Go back to your mum. Explain he is an utter knob head and let her look after you. Then when you have the baby and are older and wiser find someone who will treat you as an equal and not as a unpaid servant.

Aaliyahali · 15/02/2018 20:03

I cant go back to my mums because iv been away all year and the room had been taken now and my mums partner cant stand me for no reason. Only option is to accept the temp/hostel accomodation which the council are willing to offer me after an interview/assessment on the 28th of Feb. But I fear leaving. I have been here all year and feel so used to being here despite the emotional sadness im feeling. Scared to make another wrong decision. Not sure if it's pregnancy hormones talking and that my boyfriend is just says things how it is like some do and maybe just stressed from work? I dont want to make excuses but it's so much harder said than done. Especially when theres a baby involved. Regardless of leaving or staying he will always be in my life now 4ever because of this child. But I will try to make the right choice. I just need to remember my self worth.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 15/02/2018 20:10

The wrong decision would be staying.

And definantly remember you self worth.

cheriseb · 15/02/2018 20:23

I'm sorry but its not that hard. He doesn't want you as a wife he wants a slave so I'm not sure why you wouldn't run for the hills when you are being offered an alternative. It will be hard once the baby is here and he starts controlling you even more.
Go for the temporary accommodation the council is offering I've had to stay in one before it wasn't the greatest but it's temporary and I was safe.......or you could stay and deal with a newborn baby and all his admin

Changedname3456 · 15/02/2018 20:27

This isn’t anybody’s idea of a decent relationship. As PP have said, he wants a housekeeper crossed with sex on tap.

I can see what he’s getting out of it - but what, exactly, are YOU getting from this?

AthenasOwl · 15/02/2018 20:55

You are absolutely right you do have to remember your self worth. He's treated you like a servant!
You seem quite young my heart goes out to you, please don't stay with this man. If he can't support you through a miscarriage and pregnancy then trust me when I say this you will get no help with this baby when he or she arrives.

LemonysSnicket · 15/02/2018 21:14

you sound quite naive .... why did you ‘move in’ without being asked to move in?
Settling someone means helping them move and leaving around 5 days later...

But, he sounds like an abusive cunt.

Leave, I doubt he’s even told people he has a girlfriend if you haven’t met his family .... you’re a housekeeper and a womb.

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2018 05:55

He's treating you like a maid not a girlfriend, you really need to build up your confidence and start demanding some respect in your future relationships.

Please take the accom offered by the council; this man sees you as nothing more than a housekeeper

Angelf1sh · 16/02/2018 07:24

Ffs, I will never understand why women put up with this shit.

He doesn’t love you and he never will. If you think things are bad now, wait till a crying baby is added into the mix. You need to leave whilst you still can. You are not his girlfriend, that is not your home. He will throw you out at some point. Take the hostel and get yourself onto the waiting list for a proper home. I assume you’re still employed so will be getting maternity pay. Hi onto the yougov website to find out what else you can claim and try to get an agreement on child support/figure out how to force him to pay.

DianaT1969 · 16/02/2018 07:32

You need to take some responsibility for your situation and choices, or this will happen over and over again throughout your life.
Move out.
Never travel 120 miles per day to be someone's unpaid housekeeper.
Never set the bar so low that you are willing to be someone's posession and doormat.
Use contraception in your next relationships until you are in a secure situation where the baby would be supported and wanted by both parents.
Accept that you did this to yourself and work on your self-worth with counselling/Freedom Programme/self-help books.

Aaliyahali · 16/02/2018 09:40

Well a nice home to live in, rent and Bill free so he reminds me

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/02/2018 10:31

Find your own nice home to live in and realise you don't have to put up with this shit

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