Just how DO you get over being dumped?

[NursePhyllis]

I need strategies. I was half in something and the man suggested we lived together. Long story but he then changed his mind almost overnight. It was a friendship that became more - over many years.

I was deeply hurt. He knows. It's long distance so no chance of seeing him.

It's all over; he's offered friendship but tbh I'm not over it enough.

My friends are great and say ' He's not worth it, move on, draw a line in the sand...bastard etc etc.'

But I'm still grieving for what might have been even though I had doubts. I'm focusing on all his faults, keeping busy, but I'm still angry that he behaved as he did and also seems rather quick to dismiss my hurt and move on with his own life.

What's going to help me get him out of my head? It's about 3 months now and I'm still spitting blood at times partly at my own stupidity to have thought he was genuine.

I'm sorry you're so hurt, but you need to look at this for what it really is - he did you a HUGE favor. Life and time are precious. At least he had the decency to break up with you instead of stringing you along. The relationship just wasn't meant to be and it's a damn good thing you know. Now, the only one wasting your time is YOU. Stop letting this guy live in your head rent free. It's time to let it go and move on.

What I'm asking is HOW to let it go. EVERYONE says let it go.
But in practical terms, how does that happen?

He even used the same words as you 'It wasn't meant to be'.

Fine but how does that help when it's the last thing I think of each night in bed?

Read, go to a movie, ask a guy out for a drink. Do whatever you would do to unwind from anything else. If you find yourself thinking about him, have a laugh, say "good riddance" and do something to occupy yourself. Take up a new form of exercise. WHATEVER. This, like anything else, will pass. But you've got to allow it to pass. If you allow yourself to dwell and "what if" things to death, you're just delaying the process.

Talk it out with good friends, start running or similar, write a journal and get a counsellor if you can. It's helping me. Thinking of you- at least with adultery it is easier sometimes to think 'They're an arse' figure out your part in it all and move on.

Online dating. It's a distraction, and you might actually meet someone nicer.

Stop looking back at what could've been, start looking forward. Make plans for the future, plan a trip, redecorate, start a new hobby, catch up with old friends,go on a few dates, whatever it takes to move forward with purpose.

It seems you are dwelling on the past and the thoughts of how it could've be, three months is long enough, it's time to start thinking positively.

Time and distraction op.

There's no magic bullet.

Solidarity OP, I am six weeks into a very similar experience (long distance, he wanted to live together and then suddenly he’s gone). I have started learning to drive which completely occupies my mind for two hours, and I don’t think of him at all then! Do you/could you do some similar, focused hobby or activity? Counselling is also helping for me, albeit sometimes hard work.

There's no quick fix, it's just time and keeping busy while you wait.

Literally nothing you can do except for
Time. I was hung up over a 'situation' which I didn't truely get over untill I met my bf.

Is horrible. I actually think being dumped/ splitting up is the worst pain/situation.

I was listening to a TED talk about this.

The key themes were

a) don't underestimate his big an impact this has

and

b) whenever you catch yourself thinking about the ex, stop the train of thought and instead focus on all the things you didn't like about the relationship

Tbh the only thing I've found that works is sleeping with (then falling for) someone else.
I know that's probably not the 'healthy' way to go about it but nothing else works for me.

I did it when I was dumped by deleting all emails and texts from him. Every single one. There was no opportunity to sit reading / hurting myself by going over and over them. It hurt like ripping off a plaster but it fucking helped.

I deleted his number. No opportunity for me to drunk dial, crying ’Whhhhyyyyy?!?’ at 2am. Your pride will thank you.

I blocked him on social media. No stalking / becoming obsessed with the identity of the random woman in the back of a photo.

And finally, I only allowed myself to think of him at 5pm every day and only for 30 mins. I’d wallow in memories for those 30 mins and would look forward to them (if he came into my head) and all the delicious indulgence they enabled. But I was strict with it (‘Nope, I’m not allowing you into my brain now. No. And it means I’ve got you to look forward to later’). And then, after a while, I’d realise it was 5.30 and I’d forgotten to indulge. Which meant I was starting to move on and that felt fucking awesome. Soon, I got pleasure from realising I’d forgotten to think about him...

My failsafe plan, has worked several times even after painful break ups from serious partners:

1. Block and delete them everywhere. Knowing they can't reach you is so freeing. And removes the desire to keep checking if they have. And gets you quickly used to life without them again.

1. Throw yourself into seeing your friends, old and new.

1. Renew your time and energy spent on things that make you super happy.

1. After a few weeks/months/when you feel ready to go on dates (not necessarily feel ready for a new relationship!) get on tinder/POF and start meeting new people. Be clear you just want to have some fun meeting new people, not setting out to find something serious. Go meet new people! Have fun. Get used to acting single. Get used to going out alone without a plus one there, to making conversation, to flirting. Take this one as far as you wish (I've usually ended up meeting someone new kinda by mistake while not looking for anything serious but it works just as well to keep it light, which doesn't need to include sleeping with anyone)

1. Change up your living space if you can. New duvet cover he hasn't slept under. Some new plants, photos on the wall of you with friends.

1. Optional but highly recommended: look on do-it dot org and find some voluntary work near you you're interested in. Feel good about getting involved in the community helping others, give back to services you may need someday, meet new people, learn new skills and get out of the house. Some people just join the gym but I prefer this.

Throughout it all, maintain no contact. No peeping at them anywhere. Ignore any messages that do make it through unless they are 'I made a huge mistake and want you back' and you are open to exploring that. That message rarely ever comes imo, once someone is done they're almost always done unless sliding up saying right things to get laid.

Oh and also: the same day it ends: delete all photos of you both and text history and get rid of any meaningful but worthless gifts. It'll save you endless pain a little while down the road where you search something on phone and it brings up an old loving sweet text from them. And stops you torturing yourself reading them back.

I also found it helpful to change their name in my phone to something like 'DONT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY' or 'IM A LIAR' if true, or 'I HAVE AWFUL MORNING BREATH AND FART NONSTOP' or even a simple 'CUNT DONKEY' which kinda centred me on the negatives/realistic aspects before opening a message and got away from the 'omg it's him I miss him what is he saying' and disappointment when it was just about the bills or obsessing if he put three kisses like he used to blah blah. The only time you should need this is when you have to have contact for a period such as sorting out joint bills or wrapping up moving your stuff out. Once that joint business concludes you block then delete (in that order as just deleting them doesn't block them!).

I'm very brutally efficient during break ups and it has served me very well!

Also avoid drinking. The next day you'll feel loads worse when you wake up and have that split second where you forget and then it comes flooding back, and it lowers your inhibitions.

And last thing. Try maintain your dignity. Be cold and efficient like you're dealing with the TV licensing company not the love of your life. Forgive yourself for any outbursts, you're human, but try save them for friends not the ex. It's lovely to look back and know you conducted yourself with dignity and self respect and didn't descend to nasty insults or pettiness. My motto is always I don't want them to see how hurt I am, I am no longer anything to do with them and no longer give them access to anything other than an icy neutral exterior.

sorry you're going through this OP but what a valuable thread!! Thanks and I really hope you find closure soon. My own previous experience (Not that it's worked yet this time around but it's very early days since split) is to get back out there and meet new people xxx

Thank you all

I am already doing some of the things you have all suggested.

I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with is the 'why?'
He'd put me on a bit of pedestal I think over the years, when we'd both been in and out of other relationships and were friends. I thought he wanted more - he said he did - but it was taken away as fast as it was offered. The reasons 'why' were confusing and one thing I know I need to stop doing is trying to figure out why he changed his mind so quickly. That's the tortuous part.

Anyway we live and learn!

No contact
Keep busy
Try something new like a class etc
Plan something fun to do, me and my Mum went away to Finland last time I had a breakup, it was brilliant.
Ice cream
If there was anything he hated but you like, do that, like a SATC bingewatching marathon etc
Booze, obviously don't go mad but a girly night with some wine might be nice.
Post breakup makeover? Get your hair done and buy a nice dress?

But mostly just give yourself time and look after yourself.

Cross posted.

I think it's natural to want 'answers' but sometimes there aren't any. Or they're crap answers. It's difficult but try and distract yourself so you don't keep trying to analyse what happened.

The why is completely irrelevant thankfully. People get so hung up on wanting the minute details, when they simply don't matter. Whatever the 'reason', he decided his life would be better for him without you by his side than it would with you as his partner.

You can search and search because it's less painful somehow to be able to dodge the above truth and think 'ah well it's not 'us' it's outside forces, too busy with work, damaged by an ex' etc. But the truth is wild horses couldn't keep away a partner who wanted to be by your side. It's more painful to just accept the blunt truth: he doesn't want to be with you. But in doing so it's also freeing: the 'why' is irrelevant. It doesn't change the outcome.

As women I think we're often tempted to over analyse and want reasons when 90% of the time it's just that the guy just isn't that into you after all, even if he used to be or you were crazy into him. The sooner you can accept that and chalk it up to experience and brush yourself off the better.