Does it get better?

[GeorgiesBoat]

I recently left a toxic marriage. It was awful. My husband says it wasn't, I imagined it all and that the split was all my fault. I think what he means is I found fault in his behaviour and finally spoke up.
My problem is I still love him. I really do. Even knowing how he made me feel utterly awful about myself, I love and miss him so much.
Can you move on if you're still in love with your ex? Will I ever stop loving him? I think about things he's said and situations, and I can tell myself it's for the best. But what's the point if in a years time I still love him?
Has anyone left in these circumstances? Does it get better? Will I stop loving him? It all hurts so much. I feel like I'm waiting for him to realise how horrible he was and change. Even though after almost 20 years I know he won't.
What was the point of leaving and upsetting the children if I'm still miserable?

No advice but for you

Thank you screaming

I just feel so awfully and completely devastated

I am 7 years free and yes it gets better. I am not even the same person I was back then, I'm stronger, I don't tolerate bullshit..it took a lot healing and lot of introspection. I was angry and confused a lot of times but I'm through it and you will be too.
As for your ex saying it wasn't that bad well of course for him it probably wasn't the hell it was for you ..don't let him cloud your judgment..his reality wasn't your reality!
Keep moving forward :)

It will definitely gwt better,but this is one thing that takes time.
Two questions...
Do you love him,or the idea of him? Who he would be if he changed,treated you nicely etc?

Do you miss HIM or do u miss...being in a relationship,having someone there ?

You are going to feel better but it won't be instant.

How long since you left, if you don't mind me asking?

Are you still in contact and if so, to what extent?

Thank you AthenasOwl It's good to hear from someone who left because it was right, but not necessarily because you weren't in love anymore. It wasn't bad for him I don't suppose, because it was me compromising what I needed from him the whole time. Never him. He didn't adjust his behaviour in the slightest. For example, I needed to be told and shown that I was loved. He is an unemotional person and couldn't tell me to my face that he loved me, and would tell me via text perhaps once a year. Which wasn't helped by him not being able to show me either. So no touching, no holding hands or hugs or kissing. Unless we were going to have sex. Also, he wasn't especially interested in me. Didn't ask about my day, if I tried starting conversations a lot of the time he'd just "uhhmmm" in return or would say things like "Can you act like you haven't been having this conversation in your head and start from the beginning". Nobody else has a problem with talking to me. This wasn't all the time, but most of the time. He never complimented me, or said something just to make me feel good. In fact, sometimes it felt like the only reason he'd open his mouth was to subtly put me down.
RebelRogue I love him. Unfortunately. I know who he is, and how he makes me feel, and I know it's not what I deserve but I still love him. I'm ok not being in a relationship, in fact right now I could stand to be on my own forever, but I miss him. Which is ridiculous because his daily hobby-bath-dinner-bed routine meant I never really spent any quality time with him. I always got the sense he was waiting for the time when he got to walk out of the door to his friends. But he wanted the kids and I too, but only on his terms. That could have been me projecting. I guess another problem I have is I've lost all track of what's normal so I have no idea of what I'm asking for is too much. I miss him. But I also needed him to change. And he wouldn't. I really think I am waiting for him to realise what he's lost and decide to change. But he won't. He's taken to single life quite well. Probably because he prefers evenings with no conversation and weekends where he can do as he wishes with no thought to us. He does prefer his life now. There have been absolutely no indication that he doesn't. I need to focus on that. Because it tells me how important I am to him.
Grunkle I asked him to leave about a month ago. So all painfully fresh.
He texts about the kids. How they are, plans for him seeing them.

Oh no. I didn't expect it to be that long. I'm sorry. I don't really have anyone to talk it through with irl. Or I do, but I want to get things straight in my head before I open up to anyone. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it's how I feel. Everyone knows, but I suppose I'm keeping them at arms length. Because if I talk about it then it'll be real.
I know this is for the best. I know he can't both love me and make me feel like this. But this is the worst I've ever felt. Which is why I needed the reassurance that it won't be forever. Because if it is, I might as well have stayed and felt like shit with him.

A month ago! It's so fresh still. You're going to hurt and you must remember it is ok to hurt, it's healthy and normal to hurt.

For the first 6-8 months I walked around crying regularly, and there were many times I would feel panicked by how painful it felt. And I'd very often say out loud to myself - it's ok to hurt. I'm going to get better.

Pain is really scary until you remember it's temporary.

You ARE going to feel better. I promise you that. You'll have bumps in the road and you'll take a few tumbles but you'll get so much better.

Of course you miss him. That's also normal and healthy. It will take time to heal and stop feeling that something is missing x

Thank you. I had a really bad night last night. It's worse at the weekend, of course it is.
I'm trying to remember that I'm missing the good times, and that most of our relationship wasn't like that.
I'm trying to remind myself that I'm missing the person I wanted him to be - the person he could've been had he wanted to be. But he didn't. I was treated with indifference a lot of the time. How can I miss that? I hate that he doesn't regret his behaviour. I hate that he hasn't wanted to come back. I hate that he fell straight into a single mans routine. But at the same time, at least I can wake myself up with that thought whenever I'm feeling utterly devastated. Or I try to.
This is bloody awful.

Hi
I understand as I felt like that aswell but left as i took off the rose tinted glasses and realised he made zero effort towards me. Same as you no showing he loved me and completely took me for granted amongst other things. I now feel I deserve to be happy and he never made me happy at all even though I showered him with love, care and respect. He always treated me like I was not good enough but even with all that I missed him terribly when we first split up. I think it’s a process for you to get used to your new life. You deserve to have a person in your life who will love you back. it will get better promise x

Thank you Beautifulbridie That's exactly how I felt with him. Like I meant nothing, I was worthless to him. He didn't make an effort, and didn't see anything wrong with that.
It hurts so much. That he didn't care how I felt, that he could've changed but didn't, that he's finding it so easy to lose me rather than alter his behaviour. That's how I'm keeping myself sane - by focusing on the fact that he doesn't care one bit.
I think he was waiting for me to end it. Coward.