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Relationships

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Original poster

60 year old - relationship advice needed please

15 replies

ceecee32 · 15/02/2018 13:34

Hi,
I dont know how it happened but I got to being 60 - still feel like I am in my 30s though.
After a really messy EA marriage which ended nearly 30 years ago I have lived on my own. I have had a couple of relationships, one lasting 15 years, I loved the last man wholeheartedly. I still think about him and wonder what he is up to.

Since that ended 6 years ago I have been trying to find what I had with him (or perhaps find the double of him) I have wanted the whole 'hearts and flowers, falling in love' thing. And perhaps because I wanted something that didn't exist I haven't been able to find it.

I started to see a man about 5 months ago. I met him at a meet up group about a year ago, and if I am being honest I did pursue him a little bit. Anyway - he tells me he loves me. He says he gets exited when he knows he is going to see me. And I don't feel that at all.

He is a good, kind man, he is very caring and thoughtful. I suppose I am asking - when you get to my age (60) is it better to settle for something that doesn't quite tick all the boxes and to have a reliable companion rather than a mind blowing love affair.

He is really good company, we are comfortable together. He cooked me a meal for Valentines and I had a really nice time. It sounds awful even to me but my mum is the only relative that I have, when she has gone I will have nobody - I keep thinking that I will need him. My mum is really happy that I have met someone and that she wont have to worry about leaving me alone.

Am I being really unfair on him. Or am I just scared of being in a relationship because I have been on my own for so long and used to just relying on myself and no one else. He asked me once what scared me the most - I said that it would learning to depend on someone and them letting me down.

oh its hard this dating lark .........

OP posts:

Worldsworstcook · 15/02/2018 13:38

Oh dear, my mother is 67 and married someone so she wouldn't be lonely. He was a widower and she thought he was a nice man etc etc.

Everything he does annoys here, he's like a little dog seeking her affection and approval and he grates on her every nerve.

Don't do it to either of you OP. You may be seeking what cannot be found but he's still young enough to find someone who loves him equally. Reliability does not always deliver what you want and you could be equally unhappily married as you are now.

ValMc1 · 15/02/2018 13:41

I'm 60 and recently ended a 2 year relationship because it was just not working for me - I wanted more from my partner and he wasn't able to give it. We never lived together, and I had no intention of ever doing so with him - so I'm starting again. We hope to remain friends - there was not big fall out, just not suited.

Beanteam · 15/02/2018 13:43

What does a full blowing love affair include- is it sex that is missing at the moment?

Gruach · 15/02/2018 13:46

Surely the mind blowing love is even more crucial as one gets older?

Partly because you have so much to compare antything less to. But more importantly - you may have to rely on each other and engage in a fair amount of self sacrifice. How are you going to do that for someone you merely like a bit?

(Not meaning to be pessimistic but - y'know - illness, accident, chronic conditions ... Hospital visits, personal care ... These things might feel like a privilege if you're doing them for someone you adore with all your heart and soul. Not so much otherwise.)

All very well if you're only thinking in the short term.

Original poster

ceecee32 · 15/02/2018 13:49

Hi - thanks for the first replies
@worldsworst and @Valmac To be honest I think I agree with the both of you and thats what I was trying to figure out in my head. I have no intention of living with him, and he says he will never live with anyone again. I have been waiting for him to grow on me....

@Beanteam - we have sex, its comfortable and easy going, no problem either way if we dont (and not very exiting) Its lovely though to cuddle up in bed and have a chat about nothing

OP posts:

PitPony · 15/02/2018 13:50

I think it's unfair on a partner if they are in love romantically and the other knows they don't feel the same and are more interested in companionship.
if it's mutual companionship I think it could work but wouldn't rush into anything like joint finances, living together etc.

NotTheFordType · 15/02/2018 13:58

WHY do you want the hearts and flowers stuff? You no longer have the biological imperative of reproducing, so it's not that.

The relationship you already have sounds ideal.

Beanteam · 15/02/2018 14:07

At 60 I would say you still have time to find someone who lights your fire- many people are fit , busy , travelling the world at that age. I don’t think you should settle for this one, which is sad for him.

Gruach · 15/02/2018 14:08

How old are you NotFord?

twizzr · 15/02/2018 14:32

I would say keep it an FWB relationship, with your eyes open to other possibilities

PollyPerky · 15/02/2018 17:42

Never ever settle. You are only 60. You could have another 30 years.

You could have companionship, dinners and so on with your girlfriends. A man should set your blood racing. I'm slightly older than you and married but if it ended tomorrow I'd never settle.

Maybe at 80 you might settle for cocoa and slippers but 60? No way! 60 is the new 40- have you not heard? :)

You say you really loved a man who is no longer in your life; what happened there and what happened to the 15 year relationship? Maybe if you analyse why they ended it might give you some insight. Are you grabbing this man because he seems steady and safe and won't hurt you? Are you afraid of falling for someone and being hurt?

I'd rather be alone and ready to meet someone special than settle for someone who is just okay. I don't think age has anything to do with it really.

Ryder63 · 15/02/2018 19:46

Age has NOTHING to do with this! never just "settle"!

fedupandnogin · 15/02/2018 20:44

No don't settle. There is still time to find someone special. You might not find exactly what you had with someone else but you need to feel something! Otherwise you may find that resentment will grow and things will get worse and worse (speaking from experience).

NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 04:47

@Gruach, I'm late 40s but not sure how that's relevant to the OP?

TanteRose · 16/02/2018 04:51

you're only 60! Don't settle

he'll just start to annoy you...

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