Urgghhh what to do when he’s JUST NOT INTERESTED?

[mmm1234]

DH is lovely. Kind, generous, funny. Lights up the room (for me, anyway). Gives and demands strict and fierce loyalty. But just not interested in having sex with me. For periods in our marriage that was ok (post baby, etc) and actually I’ve never been all that highly sexed (was the less-interested partner in both previous long term relationships). Am now 51, small kids long gone, time to have holidays and weekends together, and to want some kind of intimacy between us, but I pretty much have to get him drunk and/or seduce him to get anything approaching sexual activity. I’m so sick of always coming across desperate and gagging for it. A few months ago I talked to him about how I feel, and he was very contrite, saying (after we chatted and had sex), “I’m sorry I don’t come on to you enough...” I corrected him, saying. “Ever. You don’t come on to me EVER.” And he was slightly unaccepting of this, correcting me back to “enough”. Well, months have gone by, and still nothing. Unless he’s drunk and I initiate it, which has happened possibly twice in recent months.

I feel like if he was locked into a supermarket delivery service from a specific retailer that became unable ir unwilling to provide a certain product or service, he’d be outraged, and immediately take his business elsewhere, yet he has no grasp of the fact that I am locked into a relationship with him (and really it’s all I want) but have to do without intimacy as he can’t or won’t provide it and doesn’t seem to see the need for it.

I don’t really know what to do, if anything. Maybe I should be grateful for everything I do get from our relationship. I tried talking about it and he apologised and changed nothing (did he forget that it was an issue? He seemed quite affected by it at the time) (or is he simply unable?) (but he can sort-of reciprocate when I initiate things)

Any ideas / viewpoints / advice to offer?

Disengage. And let him sense, see, feel you do it.

Stop showing him that you want him. Stop 'gagging'. No matter how hard it is. Start a new interest. Spend more time out of the house. Make new friends.

And when he comments, maybe even whines or complains that his fierce loyalty (prick!!!) requirements are not being met, then you just give him a steady gaze and say 'well, I don't know what you expected to happen eventually? I've flagged it up time and again that your lack of interest in me physically is a real problem for me. I've kind of had enough of dwelling on it, and of spending so much time just with you being hit over the head by just how sad the dynamic makes me. If you loved me, I would have thought you'd be glad to see me spend my time more positively. And if you genuinely aren't interested in me that way, me developing more interests and making our time together less pressured should be a good thing for you, too.

See what he says to that.

Because I have a feeling that you will find his nose VERY out of joint when he discovers he doesn't have you following him around begging for attention.

So he's never wanted to have sex with You, it's always been you to initiate it. Has he never said why, does he not want to have sex with you or does he just not want to have sex.

Why not ask him about the possibility of having an open relationship? You can still have a lovely and fulfilling relationship with your husband and a boyfriend to satisfy your sexual needs.

You only have sex when he's drunk? Clearly if that's the case there is a bigger issue at hand. I think you need to talk again, not in the bedroom, not demanding, but try to understand what's going on with him.

OP you need to join the 'Staying in a sexless marriage' thread in Relationships. Lots of us unfortunately in exactly the same position

I really think some guys find the fact that you want them to be satisfying enough - they feel wanted and attractive, and thats enough for them on a day-to-day basis. He's enjoying that while not seeing how hes denying YOU that.
I agree with the previous posters - take away his lovely warm blanket of knowing for sure hes wanted and that youre available whenever he happens to get around to it. You've tried to talk to him about it in an adult way, he clearly is not overly interested. Make it clear that as far as he knows, you may never be sexually available to him again, while also noticing how sexually appealing you find other men.