I am not coping

[Soconfused18]

I am not coping at all with my marriage break up.

3 weeks ago I found messages on H phone to a girl from two years ago...he said nothing was going on I found the girl on social media and she told me they kissed on holiday then he took her on a date when they came home and kissed again...neve met up again but stayed on contact through messages (it turned into a friendship).

When I found out I left immediately and went to my mums...he didn't even apologise or ask me back. We have to see each other because of DC and I am ashamed that I have begged him back but he says no he needs his space.

I am panicky and can't eat how do I get over this. My family are fed up with me now they say I need to get over it. We were together half my life 😿

You are right to be upset about the whole situation.
Do you have your own income? Are you working?

Yes I work full time. I just can't believe my life has turned out like this. He refuses to talk to me about it will not give me any closure just tells me he wasn't happy and I should have known that.

After 3 weeks they say you should be over it!!??
Jeez you have a very unsupportive family.
My poor family and friends had to support me for a year after my marriage broke down.
Firstly, do not beg for him to come back.
That's needy and weak in his eyes and very unappealing.
What you need to do is look strong and independent and that is much better for your mental health.
You could be dying inside but you need to fake it 'til you make it.
Easier said than done I know.
This takes time. I don't care what your family say.
It took me a year to get back to 'me' again.
The first few months are very hard indeed.
I lost a lot of weight and you will too.
I couldn't eat solids, so if you are struggling with this then sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through.
You really should be able to lean on family.
Try to explain that this takes a long time and the betrayal is soul destroying.
Your heart is literally breaking and you need them to help you right now.
If they are no help then please do find a counsellor or therapist in your area.
Your 'D'H is being a cunt.
Nothing you can do about that I'm afraid.
Look after yourself.
Try to keep busy.
Ensure he does his share of child care and isn't just palming it all off on you while he swans about playing the 'single' card.
I feel for you - I really do.
And without sounding negative, you won't feel OK for a while yet.
But.... You WILL get through it.

He has seen DC a few times but work comes first for him it seems (or the new woman). My family are angry at him they don't understand why I'm not but the anger just hasn't kicked in yet for me.

I really want it too but when I see him or speak to him I just want him to love me ugh I'm so weak

It fucking sucks and it’s fucking cliche but the only thing that works is time. And it’s torture. I’m so sorry you have to go through it.
Each month will get a little easier, then usually around the 3 month mark you will think fuck and regress. But you’ll be ok, you made it 3 months you can make it 3 more.
Personally from my experience, and friends experiences, it’s take around a year to heal. But you will! Surround yourself with friends, get obsessed with a new tv program, redecorate your bedroom. These things will all help ease the ache for a while.

You are NOT weak!
It's a massive rejection and your reaction is totally normal.
You only have to google 'hysterical bonding' to see how common this is.
We all do it.
But you have MN now and we can stop you from doing it!
Make sure you put access in place.
Fuck his work.
He does his fair share.
I'll bet little miss newby won't be so happy with kids hanging around all the time.
You work too. You share childcare.
Ensure you get that set up!

I've tried to get him to agree to contact did a whole plan up and got a 'I'll check my shifts' reply...then nothing. He has mostly stuck to his days off seeing him but there are a few days he has been uncontactable and hasn't bothered to come get him.

I just cannot believe my loyal trustworthy husband has turned into a scumbag

Im sorry youre struggling.

But he wasn't a nice guy who turned into a scumbag, he was alsways non-monogamous and just hid it.

Whats your situation now? How much money can you put away each month towards the deposit on a rental? Are your family doimg childcsre?

Yes my family are helping with childcare...he has said he will give me a lump sum for moving out of the house in a few weeks so I'm hoping that will clear some of my debt then I can start saving towards a deposit for my own house.

I have a plan but this week my head has been very mixed up. I also nearly went on a date with another guy but thankfully stopped myself

He infuriates me so much this is all his fault yet he refuses to take blame

I brought DC away towards end of week and came home on sat so exh could see dc on Sunday before he goes away on a work trip until Friday...so plan was he'd take dc on Sunday at 1...he text at 2 to say he'll get them at 6pm for an hour. So I refused said that was too late and my child isn't an after thought...so he didn't take them.

CSA calculator has said he should be giving me £300 a month he is giving me £80 but won't start until April as I owed him money...I told him that wasn't enough and he said if I try to get anymore off him he'll take me for 50:50 custody

I am
So mad yet still miss him arggghhhh

Great!
Tell him that 50:50 would suit you just fine.
You can have a life. Go out. Go to the gym. Do a hobby.
You can't wait!!!
He will soon back-pedal
He can't even be arsed with his child on a Sunday afternoon.
No way will he want 50:50
Tell him to go ahead.
What suits him best.
1 week on and 1 week off????
Watch him panic!
Honestly.
Call his bluff.
They all do this.
It should really be 50:50 anyway. So let him go for it!

He doesn't want fifty fifty, you know that, because of his job. Tell him you're relieved he wants fifty fifty and can you discuss timings. Watch him back track.

And don't do the pick me dance. Just don't. 💐

Have you taken legal advice? If not, please do so before any more negotiating of the finances. Put everything on hold until you have sought a decent solicitor's opinion.

You need to see a solicitor and contact the CSA or whatever the current incarnation is. This man is not your friend and he is screwing you and his children over, don’t help him by accepting his crumbs without legal advice.

He hasn’t suddenly changed into a scumbag, he just can’t be bothered pretending he isn’t one anymore.