How do you get back into having sex?

[lightoflaluna]

Looking for advice about how to renew my marriage. Been married for 3 years, both early 30s. Had a baby 7months ago, still on maternity leave.

It feels like a long time since we had a genuine sexual relationship. We started ttc not long after getting married and there was obviously lots of sex, but it was mainly around ttc and there was no spontanaeity. During pregnancy and for a few months afterwards i wasn't up for it and save a couple of times, we haven't got back into sex even now.

I think we are both to blame. I've lacked body confidence for a while- i'm a size 14/16 but more comfortable as a 12 or preferably a bit less. I've recently lost a stone so i am working on this but obviously my wrinkly baby tummy is presenting a new issue for me. DH does say that he thinks i'm beautiful but he is quite slim and muscular so i feel unfeminine and unattractive compared to him.

DH also is quite reserved when it comes to sex. I've never got to the bottom of this but he does seem ti struggle with initiating it, let alone trying much other than the basics. He comes out of his shell more after a few drinks but if it's more than a few i won't let him as i don't like it.

Any ideas of how we can get back on track? I think his awkwardness is rubbing off on me as i used to be more interested in sex. I worry that talking to him seriously about it will just add more pressure and it'll feel like he's doing it out of duty or something!

Thanks for reading my essay!!

Communication is more than 90% of the solution IMHO

If you can't talk about it with him, then you have a serious issue on your hands. Things can change for the better, but both of you need to be honest and open to true dialogue (as opposed to one or two monologues)

You must address the communication issues and both be comfortable feeling vulnerable.

Hope the situation improves

It's a tough one to broach as I don't want to seem criticising. I keep hoping that maybe when i'm back at work and not wearing leggings every day we might both rediscover eachother

I think it's just about starting to find quality time together again. It's still really hard at only 7 months. My dh and I didn't even have sex at all again until our first was 7 months. We were just exhausted and she was sleeping right next to us (and I was definitely NOT feeling adventurous enough to be doing it in random places around the house - mostly I just wanted to sleep!). For us, it was about carving time out again in the evenings to reconnect. Having a nice meal. My mum came once or twice to stay with our dd for a couple hours so we could have dinner out. Wine! Wine helped a lot as we were both nervous. And then just being realistic that it wasn't going to be all that great right away. I was nervous about it hurting or waking our dd. My dh was nervous about hurting me. There were many times when he just couldn't finish because it was rushed and we just couldn't get into it and I felt sort of deflated. But it just took time and carving out time for ourselves. We made sure that every Friday and Saturday we had a nice dinner at home together. And we started talking more and trying to be more relaxed, etc. I would say our sex life wasn't totally back on track for about 2 years. Having small kids is hard and overwhelming. But it does come back if you persist. Eventually what helped I think was regular date nights out. We found a babysitter when our dd was 2 (I know that seems far off now!) and we made a point to have dinner out once a month if we could. That helped a lot.

Thanks @mindutopia i think that makes a lot of sense. We're in a bad habit of eating in front of the tv, which isn't needed now that we do put ds down to sleep around 6.30. I might insist that we eat at the table again and make it more of an event in the day.

You are being overly harsh on yourself. I have about 8 stone to lose after having kids and DP doesn't care, he makes me feel so attractive and we have great sex. I'm sure there are a lot of men out there frustrated because their wives/partners are not wanting sex due to lack of confidence, when most men don't care if your tummy is wobbly or large.

But I can understand it being harder for you as he doesn't initiate... you just need him to show strong desire to you once and it would probably be enough reassurance.

Let him have a few drinks and go for it. Once he sees how much you enjoy it he might come out of his shell.

Definitely communication. We got back in the saddle pretty soon after each time, basically once I was sufficiently recovered. We just talked about it and took things very slowly.

It sounds like there's not enough talking going on at the moment. Easy rut to fall into, but you may find that once you fix that the sex solves itself?

Honestly you're going to have to talk to him about it. I get the the confidence thing and it'll take a bit of time to get back but you need to understand how he feels about sex, why he's not initiating it etc.

Argh i've definitely experienced this phenomena where your partner is quite hesitant and repressed and it rubs off on you! In my experience it's impossible to come back from :( but YMMV. With an open minded sexual sex positive partner I'm very sexual and high drive and up for doing anything and everything. My ex was like yours sounds, didn't bother with anything beyond the basics and barely did those, I'm talking maybe ten seconds of roughly rubbing my clitoris before trying to enter me dry :( it was so awful. Our sex was so bad my drive disappeared as my body realised I had no chance of ever being aroused with him and as I'd never cheat, my libido just got up and flew away from the constant disappointment. I tried everything: new techniques, initiating, toys, speaking openly to him about it, guiding him, but IMO it's more of a mindset issue. If someone is quite closed off and awkward you can always tell their heart isn't in it and it makes you awkward in return.

I went from a woman happy to prance around naked and have sex in daylight to being ashamed to undress near him as I felt he must find me repulsive and was so weirdly uninterested in my body, and I'd rather have died than let him do something like go down on me and see me there, despite loving that with other partners.

Was at the point where sex was painful due to no arousal and I'd have sex out of duty once every six weeks or so just to avoid the elephant in the room. We split for other reasons thankfully.

I could compartmentalise enough in that relationship that I was happy with the rest of it and tolerated the sex but that's because I fell for him before realising how bad our sex was. It felt like shrinking a whole world of exploration into a tiny little box. But I'd never do it again. It crushed my sexuality and my soul.

If you've never had an amazing sex life it's almost impossible to claw one back to be honest. So the question is, can you imagine remaining with him and being happy enough if your sex life never got any better?

Thanks for the detailed reply @LemonShark and everyone. In the first year or so it was definitely there, but i think bad habits have set in and it is hard to feel desirable. I don't know it's like i feel as though: why would he be interested in my breasts when they were basically out all day during breastfeeding? They've sort of lost their sexiness for me, let alone him!

I need to give myself a kick up the arse too. Last week he mentioned that we should have an early night but i was on my period so i said not tonight. Why should that have stopped us? He's not likely to keep trying if i'm sending signals like that. I know i talk about myself negatively around him as well which is hardly attractive! It must be exhausting for him to keep telling me i'm not fat etc.

It's good to hear it was there in the first year! I was aware as I posted I was definitely projecting my own stuff into your situation so I'm glad yours isn't as dire. What do you think made the first year better? Novelty? More effort? Sadly those two things are often the culprit I think, it's easier to have good sex when you have the excitement and anticipation of exploring someone new, and most people put a lot less effort into seduction and foreplay once the relationship gets older.

Was he especially interested in your breasts before the baby? Cos men in my experience who love breasts don't seem put off by them being out more or feeding their child... if anything I know more men who find it really hot that their partner can feed their child and even guys who find the fact she produces milk hot! I guess if you're into someone's breasts it's not just their being hidden that does it for them. Otherwise they'd be equally as obsessed with your knees or navel or something. Are you sure it's not your own feelings about breasts you're kinda transplanting into him?

I think there's definitely something to the idea that if you want more sex and the sex to get better you should do it more. While nobody should have sex they actively do not want, sometimes just doing it regularly even if it's pedestrian can help, as it brings the closeness back and removes some awkwardness and pressure that every time has to be amazing. Some couples find it helpful to decide to have sex every day or other day for a month to kick start things and see if it helps!

And definitely try cut down on the calling yourself fat. We all do it but it's not nice for someone else to hear all the time and it might be making him back off as he worries you feel unattractive or will feel uncomfortable letting him see you naked. And what does it achieve? You say you feel fat, he says you don't, it doesn't change that you do and you discount it being from him as he is supposed to say that. Is it possible to take some steps to try and reduce or just maintain your weight to stop worrying about it as much and take some control? Even calorie tracking on an app like MyFitnessPal might help you feel a bit more in control of your weight and be able to take your mind off how big you feel you are by taking steps to manage that instead. Even if you don't feel like doing anything about it right now I'd definitely make an effort to stop putting yourself down to him. Do you compliment one another much?

Hi op such a timely post, it's so hard isn't it? I felt exhausted and touched-out with our velcro baby so literally felt like it was just another demand when my dh wanted affection. We're only just getting back into it and ttc #2 which is forcing us to dtd loads and we're both really enjoying it.

I bet your dh still thinks you're gorgeous, even more so after growing and caring for his baby - and that wrinkly tummy will go over time (not that that's the main issue but just reassuring you it wont be there for ever).

I don't have much advice but reading other posters helpful replies is great. Good luck!

I have lost almost a stone since new year which i think why i'm starting to open up a bit more and feel like the old me again. I'm within a couple of pounds of pre-pregnancy but i was around a stone heavier than i'm happy with even then! I'm feeling positive about it though and confident that it'll keep shifting. (It's the low carb bootcamp on here that i'm using!)

I think the first year was the novelty, yes. We didn't live together so i guess there was more time to miss eachother and make an effort to look nice, wear nice undies etc. We are still affectionate and cuddly with eachother, but whereas that used to progress to more, we just get comfy now. And i've read so many threads from women who get annoyed that they can't ever seem to 'just cuddle'- we're the opposite!

I do agree that it's a mindset- like exercise. Often we don't feel like going for that run, even though we know once we get going it'll be good and is healthy. It's too easy to let opportunities slip by because we feel tired or we're into a boxset or something.

The boobs thing was an example- he's more of a bum man really! It was more something that crossed my mind at the time that he must be so used to seeing them that it surely must be desexualising them somehow.

Thanks @CatRen27 the tummy takes some getting used to. I didn't expect it as my mum told me (repeatedly!!!) that she never got a single stretch mark and bounced right back into her jeans after both her pregnancies . I always had an ok tummy as i carry all my weight on my thighs so its been a bit of a blow, but i know its more than worth it and the marks are fading well. Hopefully it'll flatten a little bit in time too!!

lightofluna omg sounds like my mum, who helpfully asked me the day i came home from hospital with newborn dd "sure you've not got another one in there?" I brought it up with her a little while ago and she can't remember saying it.. soooo insensitive. Ignore her!!

@lightoflaluna

Watch this. Dr Emily Nagoski is an author too.

Just take allll the pressure off yourself and forget about it. My libido is at its best when I'm not constantly worrying where it is.

In the heat of the moment I forget all about my scarred overhang and me and my DH have a lovely sex life.

You sound very similar to us tbh, he is quite reserved, slim and muscular and I feel like I'm undeserving of him sometimes!

I know a previous poster has said it is hard to get onto the same page sexually- but for us, I have really enjoyed sneaking extra little bits of naughtiness in every so often!

I really look forward to all the things we can enjoy in the future, as and when we need to!

Also, I think vanilla is underrated and sometimes just enjoying the closeness of sex is enough... without the head-board banging through the wall! Although sometimes that is fun

Honestly - start trying for another baby many couples don’t get going properly until some motivation kicks in!

The first thing to do is to stop thinking you should be having sex - too much pressure. Instead have a lovely meal or a quiet night in with a dvd. Have a cuddle,tell each other what you like about them , what attracted you to each other, touch each other in non sexual places. Neck massage,foot massage that sort of thing. Go to bed, kiss, chat cuddle . No sex. Do this a few times, gradually building up to both wanting to take it further (hopefully ) and just see how it goes.