Out of the frying pan into the fire!!

[user1484417951]

So I find myself in the classic situation of leaving one hideous marriage, and have arrived in a relationship which may not be as healthy as I originally thought. .. My ex husband and I were together for over 20 years. I learned of multiple deceptions and without going into massive info that may be outing. There is however, NO way a marriage could survive what I discovered. My family and children were devastated..very shortly afterwards I met a guy who was AMAZING... He was everything my ex was not..... He wined dined, he held me together for months on end, he was my absolute rock full of unfaltering love he guided and kept me on the straight and narrow... He purchased gifts for me he was thoughtful and when we made love he was the most kind and thoughtful man I've ever known.... He wouldn't take his eyes off me...I thought I'd left the worst thing in the world and meant the best.... Fast forward over a year.... It has changed immeasurably we live with 5 children I won't go into who's are genetically who's as I'm aware it's an unusual situation which may out us..... I believe the reason my marriage went so wrong was my own reluctance to admit or question my ex husband but not want to rock the boat.... Half of me refuses to believe that I may be living the cliché and I should stick it out come hell or high water... The other half say's don't go down with the ship get out now and rebuild even though the kids may be devastated....I really feel lost here so all advice will be accepted. Do I stick this out we both Love each other very much but we have a very tough set of circumstances and I'm not always happy and I'm sure he isn't either... Do we just "settle" he admitted tonight that he doesn't believe in true love...

Sorry you're feeling lost OP but it's says a lot when he says he doesn't believe in true love! That doesn't say security to me, sounds like he could walk away anytime without looking back!

I dont think the love thing is a problem, necessarily. I dont believe in "love"- and my DP knows I will never tell him I "love" him.

It becomes very relevant if he had changed his tune on it, though!

You havent really given any details as to what the problem is. Circumstances? The actual relationship? Has his behaviour changed?

Well here is my 2p worth: I think you should always beware of someone who is amazing. Wined, dined, unfaltering love, can’t take eyes off you, purchases gifts.....it sounds great, but not quite real.

Real relationships with real people are lovely and life affirming, but if you feel amazed, dazzled, bowled over etc you should try to step back and take a shrewd look at what else may be going on. Unhealthy relationships often start in just the way you describe.

Also- above.
The OTT beginning is a red flag IMO.

Yes I completely agree with you in regards to feeling bowled over..... I did...I was...we have been through such a monumentally shit year together both for separate reasons that I almost feel like crying....no relationship could come through what we have received sticky divorces, kids in counselling, mental health issues and custody battles all within a year. I'm aware I'm stubborn I just know how much my children adore him and I adore his and the arguments fade into the background... Sometimes I'm resolute.... I'm finished that's it and then I crumble. I struggle to know if I project my anger with my ex onto him and I'm just being a hard faced cow

It sounds like youve rushed into this. Living together after a year or less. Already arguing regularly (??). Evidently now is not the right time. Whilst its important to protect DC from the volatility of romatnic relationships in the early days, its a bit late for that- and at the end of the day its you who is in a romantic relationship with him not them!

In terms of have things changed yes they have for both of us.... He became a full time father to his two teenagers and I have gone from being a stay at home mum who works part time with a husband in a respected professional field to a single mum who can no longer work due to kids no longer wanting to see their father at all. Out of 5 kids, 4 are in counselling...we have no family nearby and I'm struggling. Do I just accept we are doomed and go our separate ways??? We aren't always nice to each other. Undoubtedly we love each other but I don't want to just settle...I'd much rather be alone than get that oh you again feeling....

Yes dirtybadger you are right it has been rushed on his part not mine because he was so keen to give his children the family he couldn't with his ex and I was so wrapped up in the whole thing. Almost if this was good then my marriage ending after 20 years isn't such a waste. As soon as ANY alcohol is introduced on his side especially the evening turns sour.....he holds me to account for his imagined slights. I have always thought differently in the morning that he doesn't really mean it he is apologetic and it's brushed under the carpet but I feel differently tonight and I know he can sense the change in me. I guess I feel guilty that I've encouraged my children to look at this man as a stepfather and his children as brothers and sisters after the betrayal their own dad put them through. I almost don't want to admit that he is that person

Well this is a real mess. Are your dc used to seeing their parents drunk?

One factor might be - you come out of one awful relationship esp. if there's been some kind of abuse, you feel disappointed, you SO want the next relationship to restore your faith in men, humanity and idea (and it is really an idea) of ''relationships' that you are not thinking or listening or processing reality. I know this, because I did it. I doubt I would make that mistake again.

p.s. It is commonly advised that you should wait closer to a year before even introducing your DC to a new man. It takes time to be clear who a person is and how your DC relate. Rushing into a relationship to make a new blended family is rife with pitfalls.

End it and learn from this mistake. Your DCs need you to help them heal and you all need to realise that you are just as much a family without a poor example for a father figure in the mix.

He needs to stop drinking and you need to stop being stubborn.Being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn will certainly push your partner away.Standing up for yourself and family is a different thing altogether.

Well, leaving now is better for the kids than leaving in 6 months. And not leaving at all (although it is just a matter of time) is clearly the worst option. The relationship sounds doomed, and it is also not a healthy environment for the DC. You cant help what has already happened (DC liking him, etc), but this isnt going to end well if you continue!

The circumstances are not helpful, but it sounds like the relationship is the issue. His behaviour after drinking is unacceptable. Not being "nice" to each other. Nope. Leave.

And while your kids and his will be upset there may be a certain amt of them agreeing to what you (and maybe him) clearly wanted in terms of your desire for this relationship after failed marriages etc..

he holds me to account for his imagined slights

Sweetheart, you traded a category 8 abusive arsehole for a category 5.

You are not happy, your kids aren't. You did rush into this, but failed to see that the OTT beginning was a ploy to snare you

Get out, get yourself stable and sorted and calm, repair your kids and yourself (did you do the Freedom Programme?, that's a good place to start)

p.s. It is commonly advised that you should wait closer to a year before even introducing your DC to a new man.

It's commonly advised ON MUMSNET... It's less easy to back out of a relationship if the kids/new person just don't get on if gently introduced early on - but when both people know that the relationship IS likely to be long lasting

Kids however DO need to see that when relationships don't work, it's OK to end them.

I meant it's less easy to back out when you have left intros as late as a year, there is more 'invested', more to lose and the kids more likely to feel pressured to have to just suck it up and put up and shut up

it has been rushed on his part not mine because he was so keen to give his children the family he couldn't with his ex

Wow. There's a lot to analyse just in that sentence alone - it manages to:

1. Sound like a compliment - "You will give my kids a better home than their own mother" - but is in fact encouraging you to feel in competition with his ex

2. Absolve him of parenting duties - there's no way he could be his children's family ON HIS OWN. You have to be there and do it for him - sorry, I mean "with him".

3. Load responsibility for creating a family onto you and your kids - "my children deserve a family, so you and your children must accommodate them".

4. Pressure you into remaining in the relationship - if you choose to end it (which you absolutely should, you sound miserable btw) then you will be taking his kids' FAMILY away from them.

I'm sure that you love his kids - that's what a certain type of man relies on. He has banked on you caring about his children, and therefore finding it harder to leave the relationship. He also had no intention of doing the day-to-day grunt work of actual parenting - he got a woman (you) in as fast as he could to make sure that packed lunches were made and gym kits washed and appointments remembered and disputes refereed, or as he would put it "My children get the home they deserve".

I'm sure he talks a lot of guff about how it's better for the kids to have another adult there to love them, witness a loving, stable partnership, blah blah, how you make him a better parent, how you're all a big happy family, but the truth is you are there to make HIS life easier.

And your kids may be attached to him, but that is no reason to stay - people often misunderstand the way children become attached to the caregivers in their life.

Basically, young children are very vulnerable, and their best (and only) chance of survival is to make the adults around them fond of them and hence prepared to take care of them. So children are wired to bond incredibly quickly to adults because they have literally no other way of trying to keep themselves safe.

Don't think that just because your children appear to like your current partner that they are somehow correct in their assessment of his character and you must be wrong. They would have bonded to pretty much anyone that you moved into their home and told them was in charge.

I think you had a honeymoon period and reality has hit.

So what if your children like him, he could still be in their lives.

I think you have rushed to put a home together and it did not have firm enough foundations.The ott start is a warning and if you listen to your instinct you know you got it wrong.
The practical issues might be worrying you but have you ever been on your own as an adult?
If you are strong for your children then they will be ok.Having this relationship with all the drama must distract from your focus on them.