12 Days No Contact - could use support :(

[movingonforgood]

I'll be as brief as I can. I have been in a relationship, and Valentine's Day would have been 4 years. As you can see by the subject, we are no longer together.

I won't bore you with details, but about 2 years ago, he started telling me he wanted to see other women, but told me I was his "special girl". The first year was great - we were connected and talked to each other all of the time. He pursued me like crazy. Then he met someone, and he wanted to back off of our relationship, so he only "allowed" me to see him once a week, and if I ever texted him over the weekend, he would just ignore the text. I haven't gotten a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's gift or card in 3 years, but got all of those the 1st year.

12 days ago, I asked him if we could go back to what we were. I told him I missed how we were the first year, and that I wanted to be his girl alone. We were supposed to meet that night. He left me sitting in the restaurant for over an hour, before he said he didn't "feel" like meeting me that night, and ignored any other texts from me. I went NC at that point.

It's been 12 days, and today is tough. No word from him, no "I miss you", or anything of the sort. I thought by removing myself from his life he would see the light, but that hasn't happened. Today is tough not only because it is Valentine's Day, but our anniversary. I know I wouldn't have gotten anything today, not even flowers or a card, but for some reason it is hurting so badly. I don't hurt enough to contact him, but when it hurts like this, I wonder if some sort of relationship is better than no relationship, if that even makes sense.

He is older than me - and he is a Doctor. He is in his 60's and I am in my 40's. I am also a professional, so you would think I would know better, right?

Anyone have any guidance for me?

No guidance Op, but we’ll done for not settling for what he offered, knowing you deserve and WANT more, you will find more.
Sorry it’s tough today, it’s just a day, tomorrow will be better. His lack of contact shows how little he cares about you. Take stock and move forward. Block him so you are not tempted...it won’t be what u want 💐💐

He sounds like a complete arsehole and I cannot believe you put up with being treated like that for so long!!!

You have made absolutely the right decision- please keep going. You are worth so much more.

Hi, sorry to say he sounds a twat and you deserve better than what he is offering up. Tonight, do a little self - love, do whatever makes you happy, treat yourself to your fave bottle of wine/champers/chocs/box set and put yourself first. You have taken a brave step by turning your back on this pathetic man. Keep moving forward and don't ever contact this man again. And if by chance he contacts you, have full satisfaction saying that you have lost all interest!

Oh dear, it doesn't sound like you are his special girl. Please don't allow him to treat you so badly. Your self esteem sounds very low. You've done nearly 2 weeks without him, so keep going, as a PP has advised. Good luck.

Let's not pretend this is going to be easy - you are talking a LONG period of time here and it is easy to get used to a toxic relationship as you are hooked on the highs .

You DO deserve better but you are doing the right thing - thinking about what shite it would have been today anyway ! Continue to remember that . Don't go for the "some sort of relationship " but I do understand 100% where you are coming from with that . You have already wasted enough of your life .

I think the hurt is probably your mourning what could have been (the first year). Because you will never get that honeymoon period treatment from him again. Because he’s not right for you. And he’s a twat.

My advice would be continue NC and congratulate yourself on a lucky escape from a man who thinks he has the right to “allow” you limited contact with him (WTF?) and who essentially treats you like shit.

Also: he kind to yourself. Talk to friends, have long baths, cry, have a pity party, drink wine, beat seven bales of shit out of a pillow, make a voodoo dolly and get as much emotion out as possible. But do not contact him (you seem resolved on that score, so great) and do not reply if he contacts you (that can be the kicker, especially if there’s some crumbs of feeling in the message). And expect contact. These kind of men hate feeling ignored.

If possible I’d also seek some therapy/counselling to explore why you found his treatment acceptable and didn’t drop him like a hot coal the minute he mentioned seeing other women (as your post suggests you’re not truly OK with an open relationship and that really is fair enough).

And please don’t beat yourself up about “knowing better”; your self-esteem just needs a bit of work is all. Many MANY people feel attracted by/to lovers who treat them badly (I was one, I know of which I speak ) and who think that constant pain is better than a void without some kind of partner in it. It’s a pattern that often repeats until therapy brings the drivers behind it out of the subconscious and that’s really when lasting change can be made.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and I hope you find happiness. But trust me; you won’t with this guy.

You deserve far far better than what this pathetic excuse for a man is giving you! Well done you for going NC! Stay strong and be proud of yourself! He sounds like a complete knob head and he is most definitely not treating you like his special girl!
The hurt will pass in time. And you’ll meet someone who’ll treat you with respect.
All the best

I’m just about to do the NC thing on my partner. I’m reallt struggling. Also praying he’d see the light but it’s just not happened. I thought being without me would mean he would realise to but it hasn’t happened. If you need any support or just an inbox to message with anything you’d like to say to him ... please feel free :) sometimes it helps to write it down and press send - just not actually send to them! Xx

Bloody hell. I don't know you but I want to punch that arrogant wanker in the face. Special girl bullshit. Wanting his cake and eating it after he's reeled you in the first year.

You are so well rid. He's an old man whilst you're still young. Don't waste anymore time thinking about him!

Thank you all so much for your kind comments. I did take your advice tonight, and I took care of myself. I had some , called a friend, did some schoolwork (working on my doctorate at the moment, and glad for the distraction), and called it a night.

I did almost cry. I watched all day as my coworkers all got flowers at work today, and for a bit, I felt sad. Yet, again, I remembered I wouldn't have gotten anything today even if I was still with him. I really don't have a desire to contact him. It was humiliating being left in the restaurant waiting for him to come. That still stings a bit. Yet, I feel silly for thinking I may get a text today, or a "I've been so wrong and I really miss you". It's all wishful thinking on my part. Today just affirmed what I already knew about his capacity to hurt, and to be cruel.

Writing here is keeping my mind clear, so again, I can't thank you enough. I do know the cause of my low self esteem...tough childhood, etc. I have this unique drive to always fix things, and it has deep roots. In the professional world I am respected and loved. In my personal world, I am different. I stayed 3 years too long, and as one of you lovelies wrote, I should have dropped him like a hot coal. Part of me thought I could change him, and if he saw how much he needed me, and how good I was for him, things would be different. I missed the mark on that one.

So, now begins Day 13. I'm ready. Thanks to you all

Urgh he makes me feel physically sick, you don't deserve to be treated like that op. I can't believe you've let him treat you like that for so long :-( carry on with the nc, whatever you do, don't back down. What a wanker. If you still have his number in your phone, change then name to 'wanker' (or whatever you find appropriate, there are much worse names I can think of) then if you are tempted to message him, seeing the name will hopefully remind you of what's he's put you through.....and just don't contact. Better still, block his number so he cannot contact you. That will be a kick in the teeth to him, thinking your his 'special girl' only means he knows he has you wrapped around his little finger.

Spend some time focusing on you, build your self esteem and confidence as it sounds like he's totally shattered it for you.....

You need to tackle your low self-esteem.
Are you having counselling / therapy at all?
If not then please get some.
You know you deserve better than this narcissist!
Spend some time on you.
You are intelligent and very capable.
Please don't 'settle' ever again.
Raise that bar. Put those boundaries in place and never let anyone over step them again.

Remember that how he was at first was never real. He was hooking you in but he didn’t love you, as he has shown in spade later on.

You haven’t ‘lost’ anything as o wasn’t really there in the first place, you’ve just seen the truth.

This man sounds vile and he obviously doesn’t respect you.

Movingonforgood....I've been where you are and came here for much needed support and used the comments to keep me going. I fell off the wagon but got back on and I can honestly say I did it, I survived and I am now in a very loving relationship with a man who is the complete opposite of the narcissist I dated. I did NC and it killed me, exactly like you said, just waiting for that text to say "I miss you" and then it dawned on me I didn't want a text, I want the guy who stands at my door saying he loves me! NC was very long and I was emotional as he had hurt me very badly but I think of him now reading your message and there is no feeling there at all. Its very freeing. Stick with it Movingonforgood. I promise there will be a day you realise you haven't thought about him in a long time and that being on your own (even on valentines day)is far better than accepting crumbs for someone who doesn't deserve you.

You are all very beautiful people. Yes, I'm getting counseling. I don't want to make this mistake again. I stayed so long because of the first year. I knew that charming, loving person was in there.... I had seen it, but he never came back in the other years. The punishments were so cruel.. He sent me a text on Christmas saying ". Merry Christmas" , I answered telling him I hope he enjoyed that beautiful day with his family. He texted back how boring of a text that was, so I texted back "Merry Christmas to the person I love the most and look forward to hearing from every day". He answered "that's me", and I asked him to say something nice, and he would not. I got upset.. He cut me off for 3 whole days because I got upset. He told me later he was drinking with the neighbors and was drunk but no apologies. Ever. I was always wrong and always 'crazy'. I believed him because he is a psychiatrist. The counselor I speak to now is in disbelief of some of the things my ex would tell me. I am learning not to be so gullible.

Day 13 and so far so good. The more I remember, the more I'm glad I'm not contacting him. I HAVE to break this dysfunction.... Somehow... For me

What a nasty piece of work he is.....

Heck OP, thank goodness you're out of it. He is a nasty, abusive shitgibbon. Block his number, don't be wondering why he doesn't contact you.

Actually, he's not just wanting his cake and eating it. He is deliberately playing games with you to hurt you. There is something very wrong with that man. At first I thought he was just a dirty old man wanting as many women as possible, but from what you've said, he's enjoying hurting you and playing mind games with you. He's sicker thsn his patients :/

@Cricrichan totally agree, it really alarms me that this man is a doctor......

Hi. There is a very supportive NC thread on here. The No Dignity one. Please feel free to join us

I am so happy to hear from you guys. I really was starting to think maybe I was wrong for being upset at how he treated me with that stunt on Christmas. I'm not a mean person - I do try to see the best in anyone, so I let him stew for 3 days, and when he did finally text again, after ignoring me for a day or two, I let it slide. The worst is that he was ignoring me while I was trying to apologize to him. I was on holiday and wanted to see him. I apologized for getting upset, so I could see him. How silly of me when I think back on it now, he was God awful. I took any crumbs I got from him because I admired him so much, but honestly, what kind of man hurts someone intentionally like that? I'm not sure a man like that can change, but I did believe he could at some point. Doctor or not, I no longer believe he deserves respect. That you for helping me see clearer. I believe the fog is lifting...finally....

I could not find the thread, but I will certainly try again later. Thank you!

HERE IT IS

Day 14 no contact.

Hanging in there. Every once and a while doubt hits me, and I want to reach out, but luckily logic is kicking doubt's ass.

Staying strong....