How long is too long?

[Fireywoman]

Hi!
I've been with my partner for 4½ years. On our third anniversary he took me too look at engagement rings. A year and a half later and still no engagement. It's not about a ring, for me it's about the commitment (or lack of). He knew I always wanted to be engaged before we bought a home together, but we are in the process of that and still nothing.
He's loyal and loves me and I don't doubt that for a second, but am I right to be getting impatient. Constantly wondering if on a evening out or weekend away that could be the time, for it constantly not to be!
Part of me feels like if he hasn't done it 2 years after going to look at rings and putting that into my head then what's the point. May aswell bypass the engagement!
What are your thoughts?

For me you get engaged to be married. I would expect to be married within 18 months of the proposal.

Definitely bypass the engagement. A lot of people get hung up on the bended knee hearts and flowers stuff but it doesn’t change anything.

You want to get married. You’ve been clear about this. He’s in agreement in principle. Tell him you want to plan your wedding and just get on with it. That’s not meant to sound snappy but being married is something that you want and he either does too, in which case do it, or he doesn’t in which case have a serious think about whether you want to stay with someone whose plans for the future don’t line up with your own.

Now is the time. “I’m so excited about buying our first home together. We spoke about getting married and I said I was keen to do so before we bought the house. Let’s pick a date”.

You wouldn’t want to marry someone who didn’t want to marry you. But from what he’s said you believe he does. Don’t get blinded by him having to ask you. You’re adults. It’s a big bloody deal. Being married is so much more than how someone asked someone else or what sort of dress you wear, what cake you have. You wouldn’t leave any other big life changing decisions up to him would you? You wouldn’t have said let’s buy a house one day, look at some possibilities in an estate agents window together then leave it up to him to decide what, where and when and present you with a set of keys and a signed mortgage agreement 2 years later.

It’s your life too. You know what you want. Go get it. I hope he’s on the same page as you and it’s a productive conversation

So often women feel embarrassed or awkward about discussing marriage. It’s not something you earn if you’re good enough, or that one day he’ll bestow on you when he’s ready. You’re buying a house. I imagine you’ve had many discussions, put a lot of thought into. It’s a massive financial commitment! You need to be sure you’re doing it with someone who’s committed to you as you are them, and for you commitment means marriage.

There’s another post on here from someone who gave her partner an ultimatum, he proposed a year ago and hasn’t discussed actually getting married since.

Having a pretty ring on your finger is great but it’s not being married. It’s an intention that doesn’t mean anything till you’ve picked a date and are committed to being married.

If you know he definitely wants to get married, then propose to him. Or just agree to start planning. Maybe hes built it up and is anxious about it. Theres no reason you have to be engaged, though.

Have you talked to him about future plans? Certainly for us, looking at rings happened well after we talked about marriage, made a plan, knew about when the wedding would be, etc. I think if it’s something you genuinely want, then bring it up and talk about the practicalities and get a solid idea of what you both see in your future rather than just waiting for a ring.

We have both discussed pretty much our whole life plan, we knew really early on that we had found our soul mate and that was it! We've discussed marriage at length and children etc. He can't wait to have children, but for me with studies and career we know that is not happening for a while. He always used to say future Mrs ... Etc. And I can't wait to marry you and even when we went looking at rings he said he had the money for it then, so I know money isn't what's stopping him.
We have had a conversation before about it and I said if you werent planning on doing it soon you shouldn't have taken me to look and made me think this was coming soon, and told him not to call me the future Mrs ... until that is actually made that happen by proposing.
I am not a big headed person at all but can say o put myself out for him alot, when I stay the night at his I make him lunch to take to work in the morning, I don't have an issue with him gaming or seeing the lads. And he is great and does so much for me, but then there's this one big elephant in the room which I'm waiting for!
Even my mum and dad (who get on with him really well) have started making comments to him about it!

There are many posts on here from women who are unhappy. No engagement no wedding but they bought the house and even have children. Then they come on MN to voice there sadness and frustration because years later their partners still dont want to marry.
If you feel like this now then it should be make or break. If this man is too selfish to make you happy then he is not your soulmate.

It doesn’t need to be an elephant. If you’ve had proper discussions about it then you’ve decided you want to be married so you’re being silly waiting around for a proposal rather than saying you want to set a date.

You sound like you’re trying to reassure yourself you’re worth it- making his lunch, tolerating his gaming etc. I’ve already said it but you’re doing the classic “I’m good enough, prove it to me with a proposal” dance. He’s not going to wake up one morning thinking she’s proved her worth, she gets to be my wife now, I’ll pop the question.

He’s stringing you along with talk of being mrs hisname and talking about rings. And you’re letting him by going through with a house purchase when you’d already said you wouldn’t do without being married first.

It’s been years!

“DP, are we picking a date and finally doing this or have you changed your mind and forgotten to tell me? I said I wanted to get married before we bought a house. We’re exchanging on x date, we might not be able to get down the aisle beforehand but we’ve spent ages talking about it and I now want to see it happening. I’m not going to wait for you to propose, this is a big joint decision and it matters to me to be married to you, not to be engaged and stil not at the point of planning our big day. Please tell me what you’re thinking”.

If he’s your soul mate you and he are able to have a frank discussion about your joint future. If you’re not then maybe you’re not in the secure place you think you are. Better to rip off the plaster she know. Don’t be one of those women we see so often who are still hoping their partner will prove their love 10 years down the line. Just have the conversation.

The main issue I see is you saying you’re “waiting”. Stop waiting.

A common red flag is a man accusing his partner of ruining it by wanting to discuss marriage. Or rushing him. Bollocks. It’s not something he should be giving you. Your marriage will hopefully be an equal partnership so the way you get to that point should be as equal.