Can anyone advise me on what to do to get help with my Co dependent tenancies?
Please don't ask me to go into details on specific incidents. It's embarrassing and I'm deeply deeply ashamed of myself.
I met the most gorgeous, amazing person. I know for a fact I want to be with him. I'm 99% certain I've ruined any chance of that. But I need to get help so this doesn't happen in future.
Some loose examples of what I'm struggling with;
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if I think something is wrong I will go to destructive levels to find out why with the it tenting of rectifying it. Nothing I do has any malice, but it's not normal. My brain tells me the ends (ie making someone OK or happy) justify the means (ie being manipulative, deceitful, lying, hiding things).
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I cannot take rejection at all. If I don't move miles away and someone blocks me etc (I would block me too) I will just wander round looking for them, go to their house etc.
*if someone has a change in attitude it physically hurts and triggers the above too. It consumes my every thought to the point I can't function. I haven't eaten since Friday. I'm anorexic so I'm used to it but I was really doing well.
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I don't feel good enough for other people. I spent my sons birthday writing out lengthy statements and downloading forms for someone else's court case over their kids and then wanted to kill myself it wasn't appreciated and they listened to someone else instead.
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I desperately seek aproval off others. If I do something for someone and they don't love it I want to hurt myself. This often leads to a point where I'll let them hurt me badly if it pleased them.
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I want the person I've hurt this time to hurt me. I enjoy certain types of sex anyway. But now I want him to hurt me properly. Not in a sexy way. I go to his house and on the way I fantasise about him choking me too much and killing me.
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I attach all of my positive emotions to music and objects and don't seem to be able to express them normally and instead talk about negative things a lot. I have lots of happy fun parts but I push them onto other things. People think I'm a miserable bore.
I don't know if this is related but lastly, I have a massive problem with not texting back. I assume if people don't text back they're ignoring me and get incredibly distressed and won't get much done until they do.
I'm 28 and I have three kids. This behaviour isn't right and I don't feel I can have any hope of meaningful relationships without addressing this. It's always been there in various forms and degrees of extreme, I ended the relationship with my youngest twos dad because of it.
Any help would be appreciated x