Wanting a Mum

[Grownupandmiserable]

I'm really sad and can't cope anymore. I'm desperate for a Mum to call my own .

My birth Mum abandoned me into social services care when I was a young teenager over 10 years ago. We have no contact and probably won't ever again. I refer to her as her first name now not as Mum.

I'm desperate to be loved, appreciated and just do normal things that mum's and daughters do together. I just want to be happy and I don't think I can do that without a mum.

I thought I'd found a new Mum but I don't think she really wants me. We're friends but she has her own family, and I don't think she sees me as part of it even after all these years. I just want her to love me, let me love her back and let me call her mum

Sorry if you think this post is weird just having a really hard time currently..

I'm in the same position, so no advice just

I would love a mum, but after therapy I've come to terms with the fact I don't have never will have one.

Honestly therapy helped me so much, is it something you'd consider?

Sending massive unmumsnetty hugs to you x

I'll be your mum!

Oh @Grownupandmiserable this makes me feel so sad 😔. Dealing with 'Abandonment' is so hard. Please go and see someone for help with this. Bless you 😔

I really really want a "mum." Mine is an alcoholic and has no ability to parent (and didn't as i was growing up.)

Having had children has made it so much worse as it's dug up all those feelings and made me so aware of how much I love my kids and wonder how anyone could not.

I've really struggled. Living in an area where everyone seems to have nanny round the corner for babysitting and aunties and uncles etc feel like I face it more often then when I lived in a city.

All the little questions and just wanting to pass the time and especially when I was lonely with a new baby.

Oh and someoennto pick up t he phone to and say "x got a good report / went up a swimming level..."

Bless you OP, I’m so sorry you feel this way. Do you have any other family members? Friends you can talk to? Have you sought any help from your GP? It sounds like you need some counselling to start with, to help you manage your feelings.

My heart goes out to you, keep posting here, we will ‘talk’ to you and help you

No advice only a hand hold. I'm in the same position. I lost my mum to a bell end of a bloke and in the end alcohol

I would genuinely love a mother figure. Even though I'm 29 now. I tend to have moments that I used to go off the deep end and it wouldn't be nice. I now deal with it through calming activities (yoga and darts).

I tried to get counselling via the GP but was declared too 'damaged' because of my history for the local service and the NHS refused funding for the more specialist therapy I think it would help but I've given up trying on that front

I have a Dad but it's not the same. He lives far away and I don't often see him.

I have a Sister as well but we had very different upbringings and don't really get on that well. I have other family but nobody I'm close too :(

I have few friends apart from my "substitute mum" but I can't talk to her about how I feel. I'm scared she'll say she doesn't love me and will go away and I'll never see her again. Then I'll have nobody

Have you looked at charities that might be able to help you get help. They might be your best bet to get advanced therapy.

Like this one.
www.becomecharity.org.uk

You need to get help lovely. None of this is your fault and I worry that if you try and fill this void without proper help you could end up in damaging relationships

Even the Samaritans are there for you to talk and might be able to advise where you can get ongoing help

That’s unbelievable grownup how could the NHS just discard you like that! Disgraceful. This must be so hard for you. Is there no help or follow on from SS? I know you’re an adult, but sometimes there are charities that help people after they’ve been in care.

Are you sure your ‘substitute’ mum wouldn’t help you? Does she have any idea how you feel or do you just put a brave face on?

Great post hunting

You can’t change the past but you can resolve to be the best mum you can be to your own children. That’s what I did. It really hurt to see how much my friend’s mums loved them and cared about them and I ached to share in that but of course I wasn’t in their families, I was the outsider.
Try to accept the past the way it was and move forward.

Big hugs to u can't u talk to substitute mum and explain how u feel if ure close I can't see her running away from u xx

OP I was just about to go to bed but just had to reply to your post. I'm so sorry you feel this way and are in this situation - I don't want to sound cheesy but feel I want to put my arms around you, give you a huge hug and tell you that you're special .

I come from a loving background but my DH sadly not so. He was the result of a young marriage that soon went wrong. His early life with his mum, when it was just him and her, was happy, but she eventually remarried, had two sons and started a successful business with her new DH. My DH, then 12, was quickly sidelined and made to feel like a bad memory while his DBs were put through private school and now both have successful careers.

His DM made it very hard for him to trace his dad, who lived abroad, but last year, after some luck, he eventually met him. Unfortunately he had become an alcoholic and was so flaky that my DH felt he had no choice but to distance himself for fear of further heartbreak.

To make matters worse, his DM was so furious that he'd made contact with his DF that a huge row ensued and they haven't spoken since then, so he's now effectively orphaned himself. It's so very sad, but at least he is still on good terms with his DBs, who are lovely.

I grew up thinking most people were like me, but my DH's experience along with that of many of my friends has taught me that a loving, nurturing upbringing is rarer than most people assume.

Morning grownup how are you today?

Not exactky the same as you but lost my mum when I was little and I really know what you mean. I wish I had a mum. I was hoping for that in mil but she is cray so we are NC now. I don’t think I will ever be completely fulfilled in life because there is always going to be that void. Some days I struggle. Sorry, I’m not being helpful!

A handhold from me too...my mum stopped speaking to me when I was 20, and I really miss the concept of having a mum.

I don't want my mother back in my life, or DS's she's totally toxic.

I just ache for that relationship. Someone to feel proud of me.

Last year was awful, divorce, mammogram, Sickness, Ex being an arsehole, job worries etc etc. I missed having the idea of that person that knows all the shit and loves you anyway.

I miss sharing the pride of my boy and how he gets through life...

But also the little things...how lovely it must be to go shopping and have lunch and a chat with your mum.

I know exactly how you feel, it's not weird at all. Hugs to you sweetheart

Thanks for all the nice comments and support - glad I'm not the only one in this boat

I'm feeling a bit stronger today. However they've just started getting the mothers day cards and gifts etc into the place where I work so that's a big upsetting.. I try not to show my feelings at work but sometimes it's just too much

When it's quiet I spend a lot of time thinking about my "substitute mum" and questioning why God (blame him for everything ) didn't give me to her in the first place. I'd be a different person but I think I'd be a much happier one...

Update - so this morning, I tried to talk to my "substitute mum" about how I feel.... I told her the truth that I think of her as my Mum now. She didn't seem surprised and said she thought I did anyway.

I asked her if she thought of me as a daughter, she went quiet and then changed the subject :( she doesn't does she ? I just want her to love me and think of me as a daughter..... I never ask for anything in life. All I want is for her to be my Mum :(

That sounds very hard. It was courageous of you to talk to her and I'm sorry that you didn't get the response that you want. She might be uncertain about what you expect from her and so didn't know how to react

The trouble is that you are looking to fill a huge gap in your life and realistically, nobody is going to be able to easily fill that. I'm not meaning to be unkind - but sometimes when we really need support, people who we know and like aren't always able to provide it?

Hopefully you'll be able to carry on being friends with her while finding someone to talk to 'professionally' about your life?

OP, I’m so sad for you. But none of this is a reflection on you. I bet your sub mum is so glad to have you in her life. But ultimately, she can’t help how she feels, no matter how much she might like to. And again, that doesn’t mean you are any less lovable.

My parents died when I was little (it’s more complicated than that, but trying to be brief). The people who brought me up loved me and did their very best for me, and tell me often how much they love me, are proud, etc. They would be hurt to know it, but I still have days where I feel like I don’t “belong” to anyone. And that’s knowing that my life has turned out for the best having been brought up by them.

I think what I’m trying to say is, that even if your sub mum did answer you in the way that you wanted, I just think that feeling of happiness might not last forever for you. You need to somehow make peace with what happened to you and maybe grieve for that instead of grieving for something that has never been?

I’m sorry I’m not explaining myself well, but know that I’m sending you love and hope you find that peace and happiness one day

I don’t have any parent figures. Well two unstable and incapable people who are toxic and Frankly dangerous.
Both my parents have been in prison multiple times. I don’t want them around me or my kids.
They’re beyond repair.
I’m lonely and sad at the moment .
I have disabilities and struggling with Health as well as recent redundancy. Not managing my health or home etc
I see all of my my friends bar none having amazing family support and never struggling for practical help or emotional support so I really get where you’re coming from.
You don’t need that woman especially if her response makes you feel bad, get yourself strong.
I’m struggling at the moment due to various factors but When I’m feeling good I try really hard to nurture myself and be my own parent and of course try to do it differently for my kids.
Bizarrely every counsellor I’ve had has not wanted to address my ‘mum’ issues, all preferring to focus on the present and future. I don’t know if that helps or not. All I know is it’s fucking hard not having been patented all your life so I send sympathy x