Hi All
I'm new on here but hoping you can offer me some advice because I need some!!
I've been with my hubby 23 years, married 17.5 years. We have 3 kids, ds1 13, ds2 7 and dd 2. DS1 has Executive Functioning Deficit, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, Meares irlen syndrome, hypermobility, emotional immaturity and social communication disorder and attend a special high school, his problems are thought to be related to his poor birth. This puts extra strain on the household and me in particular as his main carer.
When he was 3 my husband and I moved to our second house which needed a lot of work doing which we didn't find out until we moved in. My hubby was self employed and his work load was low, I was working part time so the financial pressure and work needed in the house put strain on our relationship. Stupidly I went out and got tiddly one night and kissed a fire officer (who I worked with) (that was all) and felt so guilty told my hubby 2 days later and he chucked me and our son out. After 2 weeks break we moved back in and tried again but six months later called it quits. We sold the house. I bought a 2 bedroom house for my son and I. My hubby went to his Mum's then rented his sister's house. After 9 months and both having had a fling with someone else and filing for divorce we realised we still wanted to be together. I sold my house (and lost 50k) and moved into rented with him. We then bought the 3 bed house off his sister and had a mortgage again. We then had our second son in 2010.
The house needed updating but the area was ok. We made over the garden but still didn't feel settled so decided to find a house we both liked instead of his sister's house. I also fell pregnant (planned) with our dd so needed somewhere bigger.
We ended up in a 1930s 3 bed semi 5 minutes by car from our previous house. The 140ft garden was to die for. We knew it needed a little updating but looked at its potential and new we could extend.
So here we are today 3 years on and have only managed to do the hall stairs and landing and lounge. Unfortunately when the laminate was lifted it uncovered rotting joists and floorboards of which we had to replace entirely. The pokey kitchen also has damp with slugs currently visiting the kitchen floor most evenings. I have one small piece of worktop and 3 lower cupboards, no wall units or drawers. My utensils are in a tray on an old wooden sideboard with a tea towel over. We have no dishwasher.
We have one toilet/bathroom upstairs and have built a shell for a second toilet downstairs but can't get this up and running until we dig up the driveway for the drainage which we can't so until and if we have an extension. My eldest has no sense of time and can spend 30 mins a time on the loo which is proving a nightmare with 5 of us in the house.
Our bathroom upstairs is rusty and have a mix match of broken floor tiles which we often hurt our feet on, the 3 bedrooms haven't been decorated, nor has the dining room or kitchen done. We need to replace all flooring and joists in the dining and kitchen and redo all the driveway. We have got planning permission to do a single storey rear extension for a new kitchen, making the tiny kitchen we have now into a bedroom for my eldest son. The problem is we have a quote for 14k for the basic shell. That means my hubby has the roof, electrics and carpentry to do and also fit a kitchen which will be 10k on top. Then there's the plastering and floor to fork out on.
So yes I have a house of character but also horror. My hubby has built his own shed at the bottom of the garden as he said he doesn't like shop bought as they're not as solid as his. Problem is it's been going on for a year and still not finished, it is fixed so we can't move it and it's cost £1300 so far! That's down to my hubby always has to go over the top with everything and try to impress others. He also never finishes his own work as is always worrying about everyone else's work.
My hubby is far from an angel too. He has and is emotionally abusive. He spoilt a trip to Legoland 6 years ago when our youngest became ill and it was my fault making me drive home on 2 hours sleep...he couldn't drive as had been drinking! He got drunk our first Xmas with our daughter in 2015 and ended up not eating lunch with us and that was my fault according to him. He used to get drunk and would drink most evenings and then be verbally abusive with me and lose his rag with the kids. He tries to tell them off but when they don't do or answers him back has a go at me and ignores them and gives up. He doesn't like confrontation and won t speak up to anyone outside the home and I often tell him to man up. He works full time, I don't as have my eldest to ferry backwards and forwards to school and my middle son plus our lg girl to look after and the muddle of a house and the grocery shopping and all the housework.
So last August was my 40th Birthday....he hadn't planned a thing and ended up getting cards from the kids to me after I asked him. I planned my whole 40th 1 month before as no-one not even my best friend or older sister had bothered although said they would. I ended up having a party in a marquee in my back garden with a disco, buffet and some friends. I asked my oh not to spoil it through drink, with me already being upset at his seemingly lack of effort for him to do anything for my Birthday. He promised he wouldn't but he did, he spoilt it. He got drunk....I only had 2 drinks all night. He wouldn't help at the party and kept ordering me to get the drinks for my guests, he wouldn't help with the cake announcement, nothing. Just to add this was a joint party with my son who was celebrating his 13th. My parents helped an awful lot before and after clearing up. My hubby had helped out the marquee and lights up.
Then the kids went to bed, my best friend and her hubby waited at mine for a taxi and my hubby went to check in our neighbours animals (they were on holiday). He was a while. My friends went so I went to check on him. He was completely drunk. I stormed back home and told him to sleep in the sofa. He wanted the back door keys and I refused. I took.all the keys to bed. I then heard him rustling downstairs...he then asked for the car keys....I refused.. .He pinned me up against the door. He asked for his van keys. He told me I was starting to get on his nerves. I had my kids upstairs asleep and was terrified what he would do if I didn't give the keys up. He took both the car and van keys and climbed out of the lounge window. I phoned the police and told them his van details. It wasn't until I checked he'd taken our new Nissan Qashqai!
I never slept that night. My Dad came over to sit with me. He left his wedding ring and wished me and the kids well and said we'd never see him again!
Next morning my best friend, sister and Mum and Dad came to help me clear up. The police had tracked the car 2 hours away. My hubby had also withdrawn £250 cash from our account.
I thought the worst....that he'd either crashed and killed him and someone else or done away with himself. I was on the phone to the police arranging a search helicopter when my middle son shouted Daddy's home! This was 5pm the next day. He was still drunk he'd been walking around grave yards all day and didn't want to come home as thought he might be in trouble??!! He went to bed, then the police arrived and woke him to give him an ear bashing. I moved to my parents for 1 week with the kids. I felt disgusted, hurt and questioned every event over and over.
I know he's a very sensitive person and suffers with pyronies disease and I have endometriosis.. so our sex life ain't great either.
He apologised but blamed his actions on stress leading up to and at my party & depression related to his job. He had 3 weeks sick leave and claimed he had a mental health problem. His mother blamed me for it all. When he went missing his sister and Mum were sitting down eating a roast dinner...thats how concerned they were! He got counselling and support; I got nothing. I still carried on being a Mum to my 3 the best I could. He has not drunk alcohol since that night and said he never will. He is now on antidepressants; I'm not. Our sex life is nearly non existent.
He has been better since giving up alcohol but still managed to spoil another happy occasion...Xmas just gone....through being a grumpy emotionally abusive sod!
He says we have to stay at our house and update it best we can. I'd prefer to move to a ready done 4 bed new home so if anything did happen I wouldn't be left in a mess. He said he wont. So last night I said if we can't agree we'll have to go our separate ways, he said so be it! Today he's acting like nothing was said!
What the hell am I to do? We also have a 5 year old dog and 2 kittens which I walk and clean up/care for. As I do our kids...get them to bed dressed etc. I get up during the night with the kids too. I never have a lay in. I go dancing once a week for 1 hr but have to come home and pack up for the following day!
Sorry for such a long post but it's so hard when you've been together for so long and have 3 kids together.
Advice please!
Thanks.