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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To send or not to send.....

17 replies

Tauri · 13/02/2018 15:53

Hi All,

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this..
Just over a month ago I found out my 50 yr old fiance (who I've been with for 7 years - I'm 33yrs old) has been messaging several women inappropriately. One is a woman he used to work with, who he pet names 'princess' and tells her he loves her, misses her etc. The other is an old ex gf who he told is always his 'No 1' and 'true love. There are also women from Twitter but these seem to be scam/fake accounts asking for personal information - which unbelievably he divulges freely! In all correspondences he pretends to not be in a relationship.What I am most appalled and absolutely furious about is that he has shared pictures of our two children (18 and 3 month olds) with these people, including the fake twitter 'people'. To me, his intention in doing so is to appear as a 'good family' man which, behind closed doors, could not be further from the truth. It is clear impression management is a big issue for him. It is without a doubt that the trust has gone and will never be gained back, so i will be ending our relationship.

Now this is where I'd like some advice... I have found out that his ex work colleague has a boyfriend and I'm very tempted to send the boyfriend pictures of their phone messages, anonymously when the dust has settled after our split. After all, its not as if this woman knocked back my fiances advances. I would want to known if it was my partner, wouldn't you?

OP posts:
FannytheW0nderDog · 13/02/2018 15:59

Firstly, really sorry that you are being messed around like this. Totally unacceptable behaviour and you are right to walk away from this total jerk. It will be tough but you will rebuild your life slowly. Surround yourself with supportive people and hold your head up high - you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't do the old revenge posting though. Tempting though it is. By all means write the message but don't send it - keep your powder clean and save your ammo for later.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 15:59

Was your DP married when you met him?

VladmirsPoutine · 13/02/2018 16:00

Fuck it. Do it.

Married3Children · 13/02/2018 16:02

Why that question Bibbidee??

Do you think that only people who have started their relationship by cheating will be cheated on??

Original poster
Tauri · 13/02/2018 16:06

Thank you for your kind and supportive post, you're words are very true and there is certainly a lot of ammo!

What I'm struggling to make sense of (if theres any point in doing so) is that we have just bought our first house together. Unfortunately I found out all this too late. The house will be sold, but why did he commit with a house purchase if looking elsewhere?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2018 16:10

Oh OP I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You sound well rid of him Thanks

He wasn't "looking elsewhere" he was looking for something on the side. Someone else as well as you

Don't bother with the OW's DP. What's the point? I can honestly tell you that it will not make you feel better. Or solve anything

Original poster
Tauri · 13/02/2018 16:16

He was going through a divorce when we met, I helped and supported him through it, as you do.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 13/02/2018 16:37

So you are essentially saying in another way that you were the OW?

Joysmum · 13/02/2018 16:45

I would want to know if it were me so I would send him the evidence.

ovendoor · 13/02/2018 16:47

I'm sorry you're going through this :(

Don't send it, keep your head high and it will catch up with her eventually.

Good luck!

SendintheArdwolves · 13/02/2018 16:48

The house will be sold, but why did he commit with a house purchase if looking elsewhere?

Because he wants to have it all - a much younger wife to give him babies and look after them for him at home, and as many other sidedishes as he can get.

Clearly he lacks judgement - sending out pics of your kids, falling for scam profiles and he's hardly a criminal mastermind if you've managed to find all this evidence on his shady ways.

You're doing the right thing OP - kick him out, file for divorce and have a better life without him.

FannytheW0nderDog · 13/02/2018 16:52

Oh Jesus wept Tauri, the utter scumbag. I am in no way judgemental. You were in love and trusting of this character. God knows some men and their sob stories keep us hooked. Keep storing your ammo though until you've got the house sale and finances sorted. Then by all means if you need to - release the powder keg!! Keep friends and family close as you will need a lot of support to get through this.

SecretSantaaaaaa · 13/02/2018 17:01

So you are essentially saying in another way that you were the OW

Doesn't sound that way to me. "Helping him through a divorce" is a very soft way of saying she was having an affair!

Original poster
Tauri · 13/02/2018 17:23

No I certainly was not the other woman, please don't speculate. He had separated from his wife for a few years when I met him. Neither had gone further than the decri nisi as he was frightened his ex wife take him to the cleaners and she was living in a house he was paying for. The divorce heated up because he got medically retired from his job two years into our relationship, which meant he couldn't pay the mortgage on his ex marital home. I accepted the divorce as being a situation he was in at the time, i didn't judge him for that.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 17:24

@Married3Children

...it did go through my mind yes. And Tbf after reading literature on infidelity for the last 18 months.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 17:26

I'd tell the boyfriend yes.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 18:50

Yep do it . I would want to know if my partner was behaving inappropriately, you're actually saving him time in the long run

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