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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Living with a narrsassist

26 replies

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 15:30

Don't know what else to do or where else to post..
But i feel at a dead end in life.
I've 4 kids and a fiance who is all for himself in every aspect in life..
He works full time and me part time and the rest of the time I look after the kids.
My job is very demanding as I'm a health care and I'm quite literally exhausted.
He spends his free days at football and I spend mine looking after the kids (As usually)
I have no spare time. He has debts so no spare money. Which means my spare money goes on the things we need. He still manages to find money for football. Yet I have nothing spare to spend on myself.
I'm literally living my life in the house as I suffer quite badly from depression now.
He uses depression as and excuse to act out and say he needs time to himself. Yet I believe he is just narsaccistic and out for himself. He never does anything for me. Even the small stuff like make me a brew. He's not attentive... I get nothing. His Facebook consists of football and all about how things make him look good. As pathetic as this may sound. A post about us and the family now and agian wouldn't go a miss. He's selfish in bed and it's always on his terms. The list goes on..

We are going on a trip this weekend (the first ever trip together) and my parents have paid for us as a Christmas gift. To go sight seeing ect and spend the weekend together. All he keeps banging on about is how he's doing that for me and how he just wants to find a pub and catch the important football match he can't miss.

He is a good dad and does the washing and organising. But part of me believes thats more control than wanting to help out, so he knows things are how they need to be for him. Because god forbid I paint a wall or move something round. He will have something to say about that..

He's quite loud, he shouts alot and emotionally abusive too. Whenever I bring issues to light he will shout and carry on quite loudly calling me all the names under the sun. Which has resulted in a Facebook update from the neighbour stating she is sick of hearing his voice every night. So now I'm completely embarrassed..

I have asked him to leave on a number of occasions to which he says is no.. if your unhappy you leave. (He has nowhere to go, because nobody wants him) he also has no money because of debts which I think are down to a gambling addiction. I have no access to his accounts and he is extremely careful with his tracks..

We both have a tenancy agreement on the house.

I've tried and tried and he started taking medication which does help. But doesn't sort out his selfish ways. He just doesn't see what he is doing as sole crushing. And it is...

I dont know what to do anymore. My job is here. My home is here and my family is here..
I can't kick him out lawfully and he won't leave and I can't leave. I don't drive so I've nothing else I can do..

I'm literally stuck and I'm at a total loss and never felt so down and alone in all my life.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 13/02/2018 16:06

One thing you have to remember is that you are not stuck. You may have to wait awhile and play the long game, but you can get out.

How long left in the teneancy?

Start putting money away, even if it is £10 a week.

Cancel the trip because ‘he doesn’t want to go’ and ask you parents to give you the money instead. Then put that in your fund.

Start to learn how to drive, get some independence in that area.

Talk to the council about your options and benefits you can get.

Start planning it so that when the tenancy is over, you can move out to somewhere with just you and your kids. He does not have to be made aware of your plans.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 16:09

'He's a good dad'

Yeah he's sounds fantastic! Their dad spending all his free time at the footy, All that shouting, gobbing off to you that they witness....I'm well gel!

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:14

I'm going to start saving.. It's just really hard when I barely have anything spare, then a trip or bill comes up and I'm skint agian.. I literally dream of winning enough to buy a house and car.
I've passed my theory and have been offered a crash course as a present from my grandad. I just have to wait untill we both have the week off to do it and then I'll have my independence. Which is fingers crossed April.

Unfortunately we are in council so the tenancy doesn't run out. The main issue is the driving because atm I'm round the corner from work, child minders and school. So it feels like I am stuck untill I can get on the road.

I told him not to come & can you believe he said he wants half the money as it's his Christmas present too. I was disgusted.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 16:16

Are they his kids OP?

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:18

Yeah he sounds shitty doesn't he and he is tbf. He sometimes takes one of the boys to football (because they're into it) But I'm realising more the others are starting to feel left out..
His excuse is they have season tickets because they like football and he never has money to do anything with the others.

Not that he would give up his precious football.
What I mean is, he reads to them, plays with them. Fixes their bikes ect ect. Normal dad stuff.
But yes I'm absolutely sick of them hearing the way he speaks to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:19

The older 3 are with my ex. The youngest is ours together. Although they call him dad because my ex isn't the best when it comes to seeing them.

OP posts:

hurtingheart · 13/02/2018 16:20

He is far form a good dad FFS.

Since when did a " good dad" shout, abuse, neglect and spend his entire life in the bloody pub watching football.

God, I despair of what some women tolerate.

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:22

Oh no he goes to the actual stadium because it's his life
I dont want to put up with it and I wish i could just leave...
It really wasn't like this to start with. It's was all affection and promises and then I was trapped and now I can't get out.

I don't put up with it . But the more I scream back the more the kids hear.

OP posts:

hurtingheart · 13/02/2018 16:22

And no, hes not a narc. Just a useless, lazy, nasty lump.

hurtingheart · 13/02/2018 16:23

You put up with it as you are still there.

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:25

Where else am I suppose to go. It's my kids home and school ect. I've asked him to leave. He point blank refuses. If it was as easy as jumping ship. I would trust me.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 16:26

So OP were you single when you met your current DP?

How long did you know him before you got pregnant?

(Just trying to work out the stages of Narcissistic Abuse)

hurtingheart · 13/02/2018 16:27

Ok. Ask him to leave, tell him what you ahve told us.

And if he refuses to you dont cook, clean or launder for him let alone sleep with him.

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:31

We haven't slept together in over a month..
I was with him a year and my coil failed. He started distancing himself during pregnancy and going to football more.
I dont cook for him. I don't launder for him.
But he doesn't care because he has somewhere to lay his head. He just ignores me.
He also sleeps on the sofa.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:32

& yes I was single.. I wouldn't cheat.. I hate cheating! I watched my father do that for many years

OP posts:

Mysideofthings · 13/02/2018 16:32

From what you have said he isn't narcissistic. Just sounds like he needs to buck his ideas up.

Everyone will tell you he is abusive and scum etc but I don't buy into that. He does sound quite selfish though.

You need to talk to him and spell out what you've said on this thread. If he doesn't change anything you're entilted to move on. But really don't get swept into the whole 'how can he be a good dad? He drinks and goes to the football'. We don't know him, you do. If you say he's a good dad then no one here can say otherwise.

Thebluedog · 13/02/2018 16:34

Can your parents help? Would they let you live with them for a time? Can you tell them what he’s like? Could you ask them to cancel the trip and keep the money for you?

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:36

He actually doesn't drink he comes home sober.. He's just very selfish and I've tried and exhausted all angles such as writing emails.. His meds do help..
But just not enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup18 · 13/02/2018 16:38

They've booked the hotel and it's this weekend so would be impossible. There literally is no room for me at their house or they would take me in. My brothers still live at home.
They know exactly how he is and support me. They've been trying to help him with me. But I'm sick of giving and him taking everything.

OP posts:

Megs4x3 · 13/02/2018 16:40

You need to see a solicitor - even if it's just a 30 minute free phone call for initial advice. You needn't be trapped and as it's the children's home too you can apply for an occupation order for the tenancy so he has to move out. You can kick him out lawfully. Get to a position where you know for sure what you can and can't do from the experts and not random people on the internet and you will feel stronger and more able to cope. Only you know your DP but really - he needs to shape up or ship out, even if you hand him a sail or an oar. (He can't have half the money for the trip as it wasn't given as a cash gift - it's the trip or nothing. )

RandomMess · 13/02/2018 16:43

Ok you need to claim tax credits as a single person, you live entirely separate - no longer buy food, or cook etc NOTHING and you can legally do this. They don't like it but you can.

Find out what you need to do legally to get him out the property as the relationship is over. Shelter may be able to help if the council won't tell you how.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 16:43

Here are the Traits of a Narcissist:

outofthefog.website/traits/

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 16:45

Here's how to Separate:

outofthefog.website/separating-and-divorcing/

butterfly56 · 13/02/2018 16:59

He sounds awful OP.
You have got to channel your anger into a positive direction and get out from under this moron's boot!
Get yourself back on the housing register and start looking on line at various housing associations in your area.
Do a one week course in driving has a very high failure rate and tbh at the moment that is the least of your problems.
Plan your moves very carefully. Don't pay any unexpected bills that are not in your name.
Ask your grandad to save money for you so that you can move out.
You will get help with housing and council tax benefit when you move.

On the pretext of having a clear out ask friends to store a couple of boxes of stuff for you.
The bigger items can be got when you can organise a couple of friends to hire a van or someone you know who can do it when he's at footy!

Think about the life and the freedom you will have away from him!
Learn to drive once you have got away as then you will be free to do what you want with your time.

I know it's scary but honestly you can do this OP just start planning and ask for help from family you can trust.

butterfly56 · 13/02/2018 17:00

sorry typo *Doing a one week course...

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