Partner’s over attachment due to past (potential triggers).

[MyNameIsChampers]

Hello everyone, I am a long time reader, first time poster, here asking for help.
My partner of two years has recently told me about her very traumatic and abusive childhood. I was/am extremely saddened by this and angry with her parents(luckily estranged) and feel very protective of her. She told me this about half a year ago, and since then it has changed the dynamic of our relationship. She has been calling me every hour for the most of our working days, needing to know what I am up to, being upset if I check my social media (when I’m not with her). We have had a few arguments about personal space, and how it is important to still be yourself, even when you are in a relationship, but then she brings up the childhood and says that I don’t love her anymore and that she needs to feel secure and that’s helping her to feel that way. She has also started to be rather selfish , it is like she doesn’t have to “pretend” anymore to be understanding and emphatic (even to our children).
I have suggested that we find a professional help,unfortunately, she is not keen on it. I am at my wits end, as every time we have a disagreement it is about me, not being available when she wants to talk to me.
I love her , and want to help her, but don’t know what to do.

Well you can't live like this.
So I think it's probably ultimatum time.
She either gets help or you leave.
It's an awful way to live.
Being suffocated is not good.
Have you had a proper sit down to discuss how you feel?
What happens then?
I realise she's been through a lot but that means she really does need some help dealing with it all.
You are not a trained professional in this area.
You cannot fix her.
You can be there for her but she needs professional help.
Before she drives you away.
How old are your DC?
Seems very soon to have them.
Did this all start after she gave birth?

Thank you, for your reply.
I feel that I am out of my depth here, and yes, I am very much aware that I cannot fix her. The children were born prior to us getting together (we are gay, DS is 4 and DDis 6).
It has started after she told me about her childhood, when we were talking one evening about our childhoods being so different from our DCs etc. To say it was a shock to me, is an understatement, and she has told me that only a few people know about that, including her brother, who is still in contact with her parents.
I have tried to talk about it, unfortunately, she gets very upset and shuts down and suggests we just split up.
I love her very much, and it does break my heart. I feel that I need to be more uncompromising with the boundaries, and at the same time it feels like I have an additional child to look after.

I totally agree with hellsbells. You are not her therapist and if you were, this would not be the sort of help she needs. Despite the problems from her childhood, she is an adult and, as an adult, has to find a way to overcome the severity of her traumas, not just pass the responsability onto you.

I think, I’m stuck in a vicious circle of me trying to maintain my relative independence and feeling almost guilty for not being there for her when she needs me.
The thing is, I can see how not normal this is, but just don’t know how to address the problem without the huge drama it normally causes.
I just wonder, how did she manage to have control over her emotions prior to confiding in me. I almost want to tell her: look, how great we were, can we just go back to that!!! But , of course, that would be highly inappropriate.

She says, that she feels that I would rather spend time catching up with other people, then with her...
To tell you the truth, now I see this written down, I can see that I have let this situation to get out of hand, completely. I should stop feeling sorry for her, I think, and tackle the issues.

Absolutely.
In the interim, do NOT let her push your boundaries.
Calling every hour is NOT OK.
Tell her you will talk to her once a day at around lunchtime and any other calls you will ignore.
Also tell her that you have every right and that you want to browse social media sometimes and you will NOT be getting her permission and you will NOT respond to any crap from her about it.
Basically what she's told you means she can now control and abuse and manipulate you and that is not something anyone should put up with.
Are the DC adopted. I'm trying to understand how you have 2 DC within 2 years.
I went through the adoption process and it takes sooo long.

Hellsbells, thank you for your advice, it is extremely helpful! I needed to hear some practical words, as I often feel that I am led by our emotions.
Our DC are ours, I had DS by myself, before I met my partner,and she had DD with her ex partner.

My dh told me he loved me very much and it hurt our family when I was hurting. He said he didn’t feel able to give me the help I needed and that I needed help to be happier in myself and for our family. He said it was time to find someone who could help.

Joysmum thank you for sharing this. May I ask you how is your relationship now? Did it help?

Certainly is. It was before but it was me who was broken so it was a struggle when my triggers came up. I’m better with things now so less triggers and better able to cope with a trigger.

Joysmum thank you for telling me that. My partner often , in anger, refers to herself as “broken”.
I feel so helpless, as when I suggest help, she tells me just to leave her, and says that she is not good enough for me.
I’m hoping that I can be strong and start with re-setting personal boundaries and then persuading her to get professional help.

I know she went through some bad times but that doesn't give her the excuse to manipulate every situation and control certain things i.e social media tell her if she's not willing to get help then as much as it hurts u u will have to walk away hopefully that makes her see sense