No closure

[pigywig]

I've been with my partner for 14 years, we had a good relationship, 3 children between us, we had ups and downs like most, he had a bad motorbike accident 6 years ago and tbh hasn't been the same man since, 2 years ago he started a new buisness working up and down country, at first it was ok but I missed him and visa versa. He would come home weekends and be exhausted and moody and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere, he became depressed, drinks a lot too. Well 4 months ago he came home and said our relationship isn't working and to a point I agree, he left, it's been 4 months and I've no answers, he's staying in a flat and work work working, he's admitted depression and says he's seen a doctor. We've met up and all I get is 'I don't know' I got Xmas card and pressies, he just won't give me a answer. He's paying rent and the car and some bills but just says he's on auto pilot, do I move on? Do I want him back? It's making me ill, I still care for him and he's admitted he cares for me.

Moving on will be a slow process, as you are living apart I suggest you try and move on. Take it all day at a time

It's still very soon and still very raw for you.
14 years is a long time.
Did you have DC together?
If not then I'm assuming he has his kids and you have yours?
You do need to move on but it will take time.
Could you join a couple of local clubs and get to know people to get yourself out and about?

4 months and he can't give u answer how long are you suppose to wait as u can't fully move on until u know it seems his job is really demanding and stressful and could be contributing to some of these issues sit him down and tell him u need an answer as u can't live like this any longer u need to be able to move on x

Thanks everyone, we've 3 children between us, I've one and he's 2, none together, his job is the main reason imo, we were ok before all the stress of this new buisness, it's killing him really, he's just told me it's too hard to meet me and he's so busy with course after course, says he wants to come over but physically can't. ! What do I do? This is so out of character for him, he likes my FB pictures, like I say sent Xmas pressies and card with someone special on, I tell myself I'm moving on and get strong then we chat on text for car issues or to tell him he's post etc (always me to text him) and I'm down again 😒

He’s moved out. He doesn’t meet with you. He replies to your texts but it’s you who texts first. He has moved on.

I just don't get why he doesn't give me a answer, says he doesn't hate me and cares, but why is all his stuff here, well minus a few clothes? Has he moved on, he's depressed and I truly don't know if he knows what he wants X

Then you decide.
I agree with abitlost.
He wants you to do the official “breaking up”, be the bad guy. However, by his actions and choices, he is already gone, regardless of the angst act and whining “I don’t know”. He does know; he moved out.

Stop asking him. It is good that you can coach yourself into moving on. You just need to manage the contact with him better. When you have reached your “enough is enough” point, it will be easier to emotionally detach. Then contact will just be seen as administrative: you are shifting his stuff into storage, for example.

Sorry he can’t, for whatever reason, be more up front with you. This does not mean you have to tolerate being in limbo indefinitely.

I think it sounds as though he has moved on and you need to too. Ask him to collect his stuff, block him on social media and delete his number. Clinging on to someone who clearly doesn't want to get back together will only prolong the pain and make it harder for you to move on.

These sorts of posts almost always indicate another woman. He's not being mean to you because you're there in case everything else falls through. I'm not sure if this is the truth though but there seems to be a trend.
Can I ask who is looking after his 2 kids? His mum? Does he still see them? Does your child see his 2? Seeing as it's been 14 years together, this must be confusing for them all too?

Thanks everyone, our children are older, mine is with me and his two with his ex. My daughter looked at him as her dad so it's hard for her, he does message her now and again. I'm pretty sure there is no one else, I know we all say it but I really don't think there is, he really has never been that sort of man. I honestly think he's Not well, it is time to move on I know, I just want him to do it but I really don't think he will, it's time to be strong I know, thank you for your messages.

I'm pretty sure there is no one else, I know we all say it but I really don't think there is, he really has never been that sort of man.

Mine wasn't that sort of man op but if the situation and circumstances are right, any man/woman can turn unfortunately.

Was he divorced when you guys met?

Im going to take a different appriach kn ghis one. If he really is deppressed, i.e clinically so and not getting help 4 months may not seem like s long time to him at all
Admittidly you cant go on like this for ever but you have to decide for yourself if you want a relationship with him specifically or not but eigher way build up a life for yourself outside of him so whatever happens in yhe long run you will have the mental strength to deal with it.

Sorry typos

Of course then can turn but Im almost certain (I hope) this is not the case.
Hes very depressed, his words were 'I could jump of a bridge easily',
😞 He needs help but won't get it.

What do you want from this? Do you want him back? Is he someone you want to make sure gets the right treatment as they are depressed?

If it's the latter then by all means you sound like a well meaning person but until the person chooses of their own volition to seek treatment then there's nothing you can do.

Your position right now is very precarious - he's not being fair with regards to your relationship.

In all this I think it's important that you know that closure is not always a right or a given. Sometimes the 'closure' can leave us with more questions, not necessarily answers.

The emotional pain is heart-wrenching, but I suggest you try to detach and think about things pragmatically. I don't believe that time always heals but it does change perspective.

Take care of yourself and and your heart first. Don't hang your emotional-wellbeing on him.

Bibbidee, yes he was divorced when we met 👍

Well we've been meeting up for coffee and most recently for a meal, it's going well and we are going to see how we go, baby steps as they say, thank you so much for all your words and advise X