I don't think anyone is necessarily BU in this situation but it's weighing on my mind a bit and would appreciate perspective.
DF has had significant health issues including a serious auto-immune disease since I was in my teens - well over a decade now. I live about an hour away from parents and DM works part time and is DF's carer to the extent he needs it. As a result of the autoimmune condition he has various secondary issues and has regular hospital and GP appointments. We speak on the phone at least twice a week, usually for over an hour. I'm relatively settled - good job, stable relationship (getting married next year), own a flat, good network of friends and so on.
In the past there have been instances where DF has been taken to hospital by paramedics after a fall or other issue where it's acknowledged that he needs treatment but it's not life-threatening. I know of at least two occasions where DM hasn't let me know about this or has majorly underplayed the situation. I can completely understand where she is coming from in that her priority at that moment in time is getting DF to the hospital and settled. I also understand that she has it 'under control' and doesn't want me making a late night trip down or leaving work in order to join them at the hospital. From what I understand DF asks her not to let me know and DM agrees that it's not worth troubling me (DM is fit and healthy but obviously being a carer to someone with health issues is a strain).
The opportunity for them to keep me out of the loop is lesser recently as DSis has just moved back home in order to save money for a deposit on a flat. I'm glad that DM has another pair of hands around but also it means I have someone else in the house in case of an emergency (although if I'm truly honest I don't know what DSis would do if DM asked her not to let me know about something).
I know that DParents' desire to keep things quiet is entirely selfless in that they don't want to worry or upset me, but at the same time I feel slightly out of the loop and concerned. DF is having an operation today (described by DM as a 'minor procedure' but in all honesty I don't know if that's the case or whether she's said that to try and downplay the situation). All I know about it is that it has something to do with an embarassing part of the body (!) and so whenever it's come up on the phone DM has said 'I'll spare you the details!' and moved quickly on. I'm usually on speakerphone with the both of them, and I want to respect DF's privacy if he doesn't want us talking about his bits on the phone, so I've left it.
But I'm now sat here worrying about what's going on this afternoon without any idea what it is that's actually going on. Have dropped a message to DM and DSis saying that I'm thinking of him and them and to let me know how he gets on, but I'm naturally a planner and this 'saving you from worrying' thing seems to be counter intuitive if I'm sat here with half the facts and therefore even more likely to be concerned...
This has got very long very quickly! What I'm really asking is - am I BU to want to know the details of what's going on with my dad, or am I right to let my parents keep everything quiet? Has anyone been in this situation before, and is there anything I could do to get my parents (especially my mum) to stop thinking that I'll be burdened if they share with me? Mum definitely has enough on her plate so I don't want her to feel like she owes me anything at all, but I'm nearly 30 - I feel like 'let's spare the children' isn't really helpful any more.