Despite current circumstances, should I tell her he’s with OW?

[HelgasFlowers]

Background:

Family members Maud and Gigi had a tantrum about arrangements for a family event having to change and told A LOT of lies about it/me/my DGM to Maud’s partner.

Maud’s partner than sent a vile and aggressive message to myself and my DSis.

I have been as low contact as possible, but have seen them and been civil but they definitely know I’ve been majorly let down and affected by this.

The dilemma is I have proof that Maud’s partner is having an affair. Their own relationship began with Maud being OW so I’m not surprised this has happened but still feel sad for her.

I don’t know what to do with the information/proof I have - I think if I tell then I’ll be deemed as being spiteful. I genuinely don’t know what I’d do if the lies/abusive message hadn’t happened. But whatever has happened, I do still care about Maud and this would have a major impact on her and Gigi and maybe it would be better if they’re forewarned? Would it be hideous of me to do it anonymously?

What are your motives OP? If it is to hurt them because they are horrible people, I would advise against it as the messenger often gets shot.

If it is to help her, why would you want to when she has treated you so unpleasantly?

I wouldn't want to be invested in these people. Focus on people who actually make your life happier!

No motives really. I don’t want to hurt her but I also don’t want to see her lose everything. I wish I’d never seen it, it’s causing me an awful lot of additional anxiety when I’m still dealing with the other nonsense.

No, I wouldn't. Don't get involved.

What goes around does indeed come around. Just be patient, I would leave it be.
(Mn answer.)
Rl - tell her for whatever reason you want to!

Do yo have proof of the infidelity? If you don't, it doesn't matter whether you tell Maud - she won't want to believe you and will just think you are being spiteful.

But if you have evidence, that might change things a bit?

Yes I do have proof which is why I wondered about telling her anonymously.

I think I’m damned either way though so am thinking I’ll just stay out of it and not give it headspace.

You could tell Maud's partner that you're aware of his infidelity.

She might know already. I'd stay out of it as he sounds aggressive already, and you don't want to be on the wrong side of someone like that.

Send the proof anonymously.

Usually I'd say that sending stuff anonymously is a) cowardly and b) more likely to be dismissed by the recipient as malicious or untrue. But in this case, I think it is your best bet - not only is Maud highly unlikely to give credence to anything you say, she would be very motivated to "prove you wrong" and "make it work", as well as continuing to badmouth you to mutual acquaintances.

I say send her the proof anonymously. It's one of those occasions where there is no "just stay out of it" - in this instance "staying out" really means "being complicit in the husband's deception and knowingly covering for him". Doing nothing about a situation like this isn't "staying neutral", it's actively aiding the cheating party.

Absolutely do not sent anonymously.

As evidenced by a recent thread it’s far too easy for the adulterous partner to dismiss and leads to torment for the recipient.

Why would you do it? Is it out of spite?

As an aside, I live near a sleep suffolk market town. Last year a man killed his wife then committed suicide. Apparently someone had put an anonymous letter though his door with proof. Months later a local politician killed his wife. It turns out it was him who as having the affair and it was her who had send the anonymous letter. She admitted it after several months had passed and killed her in a rage.

Last year a man killed his wife then committed suicide. Apparently someone had put an anonymous letter though his door with proof. Months later a local politician killed his wife. It turns out it was him who as having the affair and it was her who had send the anonymous letter. She admitted it after several months had passed and killed her in a rage

I'm a bit confused as to who in this story was having the affair and who was sending the letters? But regardless, I don't think that, in this situation, it was the fact that the letters were anonymous that caused all the murdering and suicide.

Which will make you feel worse op:

A) knowing and not saying and the guilt that goes with that plus consequences of long term pain that could be avoided if she knew.

B) telling her and then dealing with the family fallout of her not believing you and badmouthing you to your family.

Work out which would be worse for you and then do the other one. I wouldn’t do it anonymously though, if you were found out as the sender then I think that would make you look like you’d done it out of spite and we’re making it up.

*were

I'm a bit confused as to who in this story was having the affair and who

Okay, so Mr Smith killed his wife then hung himself after reading a letter that someone had put through his door informing him that his wife
was having an affair with Mr Jones.

Several months later Mrs Jones told Mr Jones it was her that had sent the letter to Mr Smith whereupon Mr Jones went nuts and killed Mrs Jones.^^

Fuck Maud.. she's a spiteful cow.. tell her her old mans running around with someone else.. but make sure you Prove it

OK, so Mr Jones and Mrs Smith are having an affair.

Mrs Jones, the betrayed spouse, sends an anonymous letter to Mr Smith informing him of the affair. He kills his wife and then kills himself.

A few months later, Mrs Jones tells her husband about the affair she had with Mr Smith. Mr Jones then murders her.

Is that correct?

If so, the main issue here is with two men who address their problems by MURDERING THEIR WIVES. Not with an anonymous letter. The letter is not the problem here.

Unless you're saying that Mrs Jones was LYING about the affair and just made it up out of spite and her husband then kills her in retribution for her lies. In which case, the biggest issue is still that you have two men who MURDER THEIR WIVES.

Blaming the letter for being responsible for the murders is really illogical.

It’s definitely not out of spite. That would make it easier - I’d just tell her.

I have thought of an alternative, which is that I tell another family member, give them the proof I have, and they could tell her and just say, ‘look, someone’s given me these,I’m not making any assumptions and I don’t know anything but I thought you’d like to see them.’

The only other thing that’s occurred to me is he wasn’t exactly being discreet so it might not be that long until someone else is the messenger anyway.

I think whatever I do she’s likely to accuse me of doing it out of vindictiveness, which is why I haven’t told anyone in real life what I now know and so wish I didn’t know a bloody thing.

(I’m also in Suffolk and think I know the story you’re talking about. I don’t think any murders would be involved here but I understand the point you’re making.)

Christ. I wasn't trying to make a point. Just chatting as you do. And had long recognised the commonality of male on female violence, as one would, being part of society.

What 'evidence' do you have? Photos or similar? And did someone give these to you...... if so, have they done that to put you once again in a difficult position with Maud?