Cheating

[Toxicme]

Hi there I really need some help. I have just disclosed to my husband about an affair. I really need some advice and support.

A bit of background...

I got pregnant at 17 with my now ex. I had a beautiful girl with him. Deep down I knew I didn’t want him but kept with it to prove I wasn’t a failure. When my daughter was 6 months old I met my now husband. We got close and I started seeing him behind my daughters Dad. He knew I was in a relationship. After some time he asked me to move out and leave her Dad. He told me he didn’t know if he could take on my child but he would try. However he was going to be moving back home for a year to finish uni.

I said I would and moved back to my mums. However I never fully cut ties with my daughters Dad and carried on having a very on and off relationship with him. My husband came back a year later as I had kept up this relationship also. I was 20 years old and knew I wanted my husband but kept being dragged back to my daughters Dad because I had this fear I would be left alone. I went out and got drunk many weekends and kept up a double life. One day it came to ahead, some 3 years after my relationship had started with my now husband and he told me he couldn’t do it anymore as he could tell I didn’t want him. I so did I just couldnt stand the thought of my daughter having another mum and family elsewhere. I finally found the courage to end the relationship with her Dad and 100% committed to my now husband. We went on holiday, moved in together, had a child and got married. Then had another child.

I kept all this to myself and so my daughters Dad thinks we finished at that point and my husband thinks I was with him fully from the point of moving back to my mums

3 nights ago I had to come clean as now my daughter is going to have events in her life where we all come together and I’m worried it’s all going to come out. I felt it best it come from me.

I’ve been 100% faithful to my husbsnd since that point of commitment but he thinks he can’t forgive me. Even though everything we have had for over 12 years has been real.

I’m beside myself with worry that my family is going to be smashed to pieces and we are going to break up. I’m hoping he can see that I was a scared, young 20 year old making decisions that I wasn’t strong enough to handle. I had a child with this man that I didn’t want but I didn’t know how to find the strength to cut the ties, so I just carried on because it seemed easier.

I’ve felt this burden for over 12 years and have recently had panic attacks because of my guilt.

I just don’t know how we are going to get over this and need some advice x

Oh Hun. You were young and inexperienced but I understand how your husband must feel. You'll have to give him time and carry on assuring him that you were young and worried. Though you should have talked to him at the time. I'm not sure he'll be able to trust you and probably his idea of you will have changed. But at the same time, he did say that he wasn't sure if he could take on your child, so you were hedging your bets and scared of being left with noone.

I hope it all works out xx

You were young at time explain everything to him how you felt ect hopefully he can forgive u

I’m going against the grain tbh I was 20 when I got pregnant and had ds at 1. My ex cheated on me and it was horrible experience in my life. I never cheated and knew at the age it was wrong. I’m not surprised your dh feels his way you had two men at the same time the poor bloke probably feels second best not to meantion to have to face the om his wife cheated with at future events.

It's going to be down to your husband whether he forgives you and is able to get past this.

3 years of deceit of difficult to process...I accept you were young, but you knew it was wrong.

You just need to follow his lead. He'll be hurting and be thinking the last 12 years have been a lie....because it was built on a lie...only he didn't know.

I wish you all the best.

Another helpful support site is www.survivinginfidelity.com

OP I think you'll have more chance with your husband taking full responsibility for what you did and owning it, the attitude of 'I was young and scared and kept being dragged back' as if it happened against your will just shows him that you are unable to take responsibility for your actions, and if you're really so easily led that these things all just happened without your input there's zero chance of it not happening again. He's probably incredibly angry that you won't take ownership and admit your actions, instead blaming being young. Twenty is an adult.

I think you just have to be open and honest and willing to give him the time and space he needs, but focus on building your own life as a single parent up too as there's a high chance he can't forgive this.

Agree with @LemonShark

If you were old enough to have a child you were old enough to know what you were doing was wrong. Own it OP, no more excuses. I wish you luck.

Why did you tell him? What result did you expect?

Oh bollocks quite honestly! He knew you were in a relationship and ordered you to break up your family for him. He wasn't even sure he could take on your kid and yet he still got his way. So he knew even then what you were like. He was quite happy to cheat with you. Fine when it suited him wasn't it?!

You didn't cover yourself in glory, that's for sure. But be very wary of a man that expects you to apologise for the rest of your life (if that's what he does) for something he was also complicit in.

If you dally with attached people then these are the breaks and he needs to suck it up or leave, unfortunately for him...

Im sorry but cheating is horrible and wrong whatever the circumstances and to let it carry on for three years is disgraceful.

You need to own up to your mistakes, take responsibility for them (instead of making excuses) and support your husband. It is only down to him to forgive you.