Cognitive dissonance?

[ChiaraRimini]

Feeling low today and still mourning the loss of my marriage (15 months on)
I feel like I'm going round in circles. My ex was selfish and lazy, killed the love I had for him over a long period. It was death by a thousand cuts. I lost all respect for him and grew to resent him for all the times he let me down.
I know that he never would have changed, he always would have treated me like shit But I'm STILL not over it. I keep reading about how I should be happy, feel free and liberating after LTB. All I ever wanted was to be happy with him and our kids. He's off playing happy families with his new GF. Why couldn't he be bothered to be a decent husband to me, mother of his 3 kids? I worked so hard at keeping our family together for years and now I'm the wrong side of 40 and feel like this sorrow is never going to end.

Are you seeing your gp? Perhaps some counselling or something would help.

It's still early days with his new girlfriend. They're always wonderful to begin with.time will tell if he'll carry on.

Thanks for listening category
I have had some counselling, it helped me for a bit but I felt I wasn't getting any more out of it and the cost was prohibitive. I just feel stuck and not able to move on from the grief. I don't know anyone IRL in same boat so it helps a bit to vent here.

I second having some counselling. The way he treated you has destroyed your self esteem. If you have a good counsellor you can get back to where you were before you met this twonk. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but one day you will thank heaven that it’s not you that’s stuck with him and feel sorry for the poor woman that’s with him now. Obviously it’s the honeymoon period with her and he was like that with you at first, otherwise you never would have stayed with him. These bastards wait until you’re hooked to start undermining you, and it’s difficult to leave once you’ve got three children and a life together.

You’ve been amazing getting to that point and keeping it all together for your kids. They will have so much respect for you when they’re older and can see both of you for who you are (you won’t have to tell them, they’ll see it themselves!).

Forty is no age at all (trust me!). There’s so much time left to build a new life without him weighing you down. You will one day realise what a burden it has been carrying a low life.

Allow yourself time to mourn what might have been, rather than what it really was. That’s healthy. It’s okay to feel sad for now. It’s been a huge upheaval and a massive loss. When you’ve been able to do that, you’ll start to build a new life for you and your kids. Look after yourself and take any help that’s offered. You deserve it.

Good luck OP

I am in EXACTLY the same position Chiara that's uncanny. I came on here just now in the hope that someone else would know what I'm going through. We were together 17 years, married 14, 2 dc, split 14 months ago. Today they're playing happy families with his girlfriend who he got together with after TWO WEEKS.

The pain is extraordinary isn't it? I don't have any friends in the same position. They're either in long-term relationships and can't imagine what it's like for me (though they are kind), or younger and haven't had dc/been married/bought a house together etc.

I also feel that the sorrow will never end, I gave him the best years of my life. I know logically that it was right that it ended, he stopped caring about me a very long time ago, but I keep on grieving for what it could've been. I don't know about you, but I pinned all my hopes on making a happy family, due to a horrible childhood. That's why I let it go on so long.

I have good days sometimes and I'm living in hope the pain will end eventually

Thanks Cricrichan and Flap. I definitely am grieving for what might have been. Rationally I know that I couldn't change him and the counsellor told me as much, but the irrational feelings of loss still keep popping up, and they trigger this thought process of wondering what I could have done differently, was I being unreasonable etc.

Sadsparticus my heart goes out to you- I totally get what you say. I gave him my best (younger) years too. We got together very young and on paper we wanted the same things, to settle down and have babies. But my ex just wouldn't step up to deal with the reality of the shitwork and became manipulative and EA to wriggle out of it.
He also got with his gf just a few weeks after he and I decided to split, and while he was still living with me.

Similarly to you my friends are all coupled up and I feel like the odd one out. I know they feel sorry for me and that just makes me feel worse! The idea of a new relationship just seems like impossibly hard work. My ex and I had 23 years together, how do you go from that to starting again with a complete stranger? The cynical part of me thinks that any decent man my age is not going to be single. So think part of the sorrow is coming to terms with the distinct possibility that I won't ever meet anyone else.
I wonder whether it is like bereavement, in that you don't ever get over it but you learn to live with it, eventually.

While I completely understand what you mean Ruby, please try not to believe that those were your best years. Lots of studies show that people are happier in their middle years as they get more established and confident and (this is my experience) no longer feel they have to please others.

I reckon you get much better at spotting wasters as you get older too, so you won’t waste all that time on someone like your ex going forward. It is exactly like a bereavement but worse in a way because someone has caused it, so there’s the loss of trust and optimism as well as of hopes and dreams, which is why you have to give yourself time.

I can’t say whether or not you’ll meet someone else. But I can say that starting to like yourself again when you’ve had people undermining you in the past can make a massive difference to your life in all ways.

@ChiaraRimini

was death by a thousand cuts.

was this from Runaway Husbands?

I'm 18 months on and I'm not good tbh. I've just started seeing an amazing counsellor who's treating me for PTSD. I had a runaway husband who is totally un remorseful and refuses to coparent. My self esteem is in the basement. I just cannot date anymore. I simply don't trust/like men anymore.

You are grieving for the life you thought you could have not the life you had. You sound worn down and a little depressed. I wonder if a low dose of anti depressant might just up your mood a little. Whilst you are still grieving you are not opening yourself up to other possibilities. You have plenty of time to make a new life. 40 is no age.

He abused you for a long time, it'll take a long time for all that to work through. I agree with Bibidee, it is probably ptsd ie trauma. Not surprising

Thanks everyone and sorry it's taken me ages to come back to this thread.
Bibidee he didn't just up and leave, things had been bad for ages and it was me who ended it.
I have been on antidepressants for some time before the split. In fact they gave me the strength to split with him, as when my depression and anxiety lifted I could see the situation more clearly.
I'm mourning the loss of the man I thought he was. I thought he really loved me but looking back now I think he initially idolised me, which totally sucked me in. But in more recent times, he just wasn't that interested in me, took me for granted and wasn't there when I needed him. In my head I still thought deep down he really loved me. Despite everything, I am still looking for his attention.
I saw him last weekend at DCs birthday, he was on his phone constantly and couldn't be bothered making conversation with me or the other parents. I felt pathetic and needy for wanting to talk to him when he just kept ignoring me. He's just wrapped up in himself.

Being idolised is incredibly seductive, really hard not to be swayed by it, sets up a kind of addiction.

Do you know about this? Idolise Devalue Discard: the dizzying cycle of narcissism.

Melanie Tonia Evans is good for healing from narcissistic abuse. She's a bit woo but hey, I'm not complaining.

Springy that's exactly it, it is addictive. I guess I was always trying to get that feeling back. I have looked at Melanie TE's website and there is a grain of truth in what she says but she is far too woo for me!
I've been advised to go on the Freedom Programme but it never seems to run in my area.

I guess deep down I REALLY don't like being on my own. And my inner child is stamping her foot and saying that this is NOT FAIR, I tried so hard to do the right thing and making the marriage work because that was what I was told you were meant to do. Now I'm rewarded for that with loneliness.

sorry, nc fail...

If your exh was equal to you emotionally then your relationship would have had a good chance of working because you spend time thinking things over op.

Sometimes I think it's hard to accept that other people just aren't interested in putting in enough effort to make it work. It's a bit like if you never lie you can't really believe that other people do.

Perhaps part of it is your inner child needing to be nurtured - we can't do that if we are in a relationship with a man child. Perhaps it's easier to focus on what we think is missing rather than accepting our inner child's belief that it isn't fair, that she deserved to have a good relationship, that she is ok as she is, that she will be loved, and is loved now, today and always.

You don't have to do or be anything to deserve that love. It's your right as a human.

Although we might not like being on our own this is how it is today and thats ok because we are being given time to learn to love ourselves. To be kind to ourself. To listen and accept how we feel. We don't have to change it or even do anything about it other than just say its ok that we feel like that.

[when you are ready there is an online Freedom Programme that you might find beneficial.]

Hello OP and others,
I have been slap bang right where you are. Same story, first idiolized then let down, death by a thousand cuts of laziness, entitlement, anger and inadequacy. I was stuck with the emotions of all this, even though I ended things. I wanted to share what happened with me. I couldn’t understand why I felt so stuck with the feelings. Until I went into therapy with a brilliant counsellor (approx 18 months after the split). She had me unpick my childhood and see how the child in me kept on wanting, screaming to be looked after. Once I became aware of the child inside I learned I can actually look after that small person myself. From then I made changes, took care of myself and let go of the hurt and emotions left over between me and my ex. I felt more peaceful and liberated. From a place of confidence I was able to ask my exH to step up and share the co-parenting. And get out and date and have fun and enjoy the freedom. He now does more, and so I can respect him. An absolute virtuous circle was set off by my therapist. Basically Melanie TE but... without the mega woo factor! (She talks a lot of sense but it’s all buried in woo).
Now me and my ex.... we are both in new, stable relationships, share child responsibilities 50/50 and help each other out. The dc are thriving and becoming more independent. I can’t recommend good (it has to be good) therapy highly enough. It’s life changing. My heart goes out to those of you just stepping out on your journeys. to you all....