Can’t let go of failed friendships

[FloatingGlasshouse]

That’s it really. I’m in my mid-30s and seem to be the only person I know that hasn’t managed to maintain a group of friends since schooldays or even uni.

I always managed to have at least a couple of friends at any given time, but very few left who I’m still in touch with and no-one that I’m close to anymore.

I really ache for a close female friendship like I had in my teenage years. I have a wonderful DH and really do feel lucky to have him. But I still feel lonely without a friendship group. I’ve never even been invited to a 30th birthday party! I’ll certainly never be a bridesmaid.

I could be a pain when I was younger - quite jealous and moody, which I know a lot of friends got fed up with. However, there are others that I can’t understand why the friendship broke up. I see photos on SM of old teenage friends still meeting up and think, why was I the only one not worth keeping in contact with?

Anyway, that’s quite a depressing post for a Monday evening, but any similar experiences or advice would be welcome!

I'm the same OP. In fact I look back at our wedding and the majority of people who were there we just don't see any more.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but you're not alone.

I don't have friends from school I've kept in touch with. Mainly, because I moved away for Uni. At Uni, I was too interested in working and the boyfriend of the time! Now I have a fab bestie from Uni, but she was the girlfriend of my ex's best mate! I have lots of acquaintances but not what I would call friends. I have thought to myself that I'd like to develop my circle of friends, mainly for a more stimulated life. However, between kids, school run, after school clubs, partner and his work and clubs, extended family there isn't that much time left!

I'm the same. I have a lot of work friends but no old friends.

I don't really mind though - I have a really good life and when I do go on nights out I dont miss the bitching (though I know with the right friends it wouldnt be like that)

Thank you curtains, I think the same looking at ours.

I feel it’s quite a unique pain, almost worse than being dumped, because it takes so much less to maintain a friendship and I could never imagine cutting one off unless I really couldn’t stand the person!

I know I can try to make new friends (even at my age...) but I wish I didn’t have to!

I’m similar OP.
I have kept friendships from different times of my life but never part of a group.
I used to feel sad about it but I’ve come to realise groups are more trouble than they’re worth.
I’ve been involved with groups of mums over the past few years but there’s ALWAYS a queen bee spreading poison. I actively shy away from groups now. It’s much better to stick with meeting people on a one to one basis.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is to try to foster a just a couple of friendships. Quality not quantity and all that!

I am the same and also feel sad I don't have the long term history with friends so many people i know do. I do have friends but they have all been made mostly in the last 5 years since having ds. I just don't have that history with people others do.

Looking back I know I was a pain too so I can see why, it's sad but my own fault. I have friends now but not that close as I just don't have that history these friends have with other friends. I find it hard to get close to people. I too had lots of friendships which seemed to fizzle out, they were a friend for a select amount of time probably for a certain situation we both found ourselves in with dcs.

I haven't spoken to my best friend for 6 months and it seems that relationship has fizzled out too and I am wondering why.

Sorry no advice but in the same position as you. Guess all you can do is try and be a nice person and make friends now hoping they will still be friends in 20+ years.

Im the same age as you Op, and have realised that I have grown apart from various friendship groups throughout my life - not only because my life moved on, but because I had a knack of mainly choosing frenemies
I find myself recently divorced and without friends, even avoiding acquaintances (posted about that earlier). I have one old friend who I am even rethinking as well!
I've over-thought all of this to the point where I don't even know how to even make friends anymore.
Fact is, im happier on my own at this point in my life.

Thank you all for your replies - they do sound very similar to my situation, especially yours cleo.

I have a few long friendships that I see a few times a year, and it is very satisfying when I do. But no-one I could arrange an impromptu night with, it always has to be planned well in advance.

I’ve tried to reassure myself that some I’m probably better off without - but that’s mostly because they weren’t reacting positively to me by the end for various reasons, if they had been I would have loved to keep in touch.

I know what you mean, Tenpenny, I’ve overthought it many times too and have literally said to my DH: “I don’t know how to make friends anymore!”.

I get worried I’ve gone past the point of no return now...

I have individual friends dotted around all over the place but no group of friends exactly. I think I’m mostly the problem as I’ve let good friendships slide after moving away. I think the reality is you should concentrate on making new friends rather than mourning the old ones - consider that they are no longer in your life for a reason. ( sometimes friendships are for a season and not a lifetime)

Ps I’ve made a new friend at work this week - we chatted and got on like a house on fire, I then saw an event I thought he would be interested in and asked if he wanted to go to it - which he did. Job done... one new friend in the making.

I'm the same I have 1 friend from primary talk to her on occasion over the years I've had loads of fun with different groups of people I've moved away or lost contact right now I have 1 and I don't plan to lose her I met her at school and hit it off our kids are best friends as well it's always nice to have someone else other than dh to talk to

I hear ya in the same boat here.
Sometimes it gets me down & other times I actually think I really don’t miss the drama that comes with friendships. I was a brat at times over sensitive & moody also. But I was so kind hearted I’d help anyone. I cared about my friends. None cared about me sadly. I was used a lot & badly let down. Now I just don’t need that hassle in my life.
I am really private now I just keep to myself. I have an old friend that’s recently come back into my life that I do like seeing but I can’t become her personal concillor again. I have put up boundaries which took me years to do.
Another one got back in touch who I genuinely love & care for to bits but I don’t trust her with my personal stuff. I learned that lesson with her. She disappears for months dsnt contact me then will appear declaring her love & that we should meet up. I reply yes I will meet what way are you working this week she sees the message then dsnt answer.
She’s very airy when trying to meet she’s let me down loads but she’s the one that asks to meet then won’t ( for no reason) like we were supposed to meet for dinner was waiting for her starving then she was like oh I’m just here walking round town. I don’t hold the airyness against her I just feel less inclined to make the effort.
I was invited to a 30th next month. I am dying to wear my new dress but this group of girls always get their little digs in. They walk away from me in the nightclub & I be there standing on my own. This happened so many times I just leave early & come home feeling really unwanted & shit about myself.
I know it’s so childish but no one would celebrate my 3oth I did nothing for mine.
I honestly feel happier now that I don’t run around after ppl anymore I just do my own thing. Finding new genuine people is hard nowadays so I hope you will in the future.

Bloody hell Bubba, what bitches!!

As for this, I had to laugh I know I can try to make new friends (even at my age...) because I am pretty much twice that age and I'm STILL making friends. Never too late!

I have some old friendships and tbh they're quite painful in their way. Probably because they were set up at a time when I didn't know how to look after myself and imo once that gets established it's very hard to change it. I have changed a lot about those friendships but it sometimes feels like an uphill struggle. You have to be quite ruthless at the beginning to get things on tracks you're happy with.

Tis why I keep making friends. Even at my great age

Well I started a thread about group dynamics and frenemies and I know not all groups are like this but I got well and truly burned. Unfortunately there is usually a Queen B she wanted me gone and the others followed her lead. I do have old friends from school but they don’t live close and some other newer friends made after DS. I would love to have a proper bestie but hasn’t happened so far I’m 47 !!! I always had friends but was never the popular one and I suppose those School hang ups stay with you. I always think why would anyone want to hang out with me. Daft but true. Anyways feeling super rejected now with this group. At 30 I think you will defo make that good friend :-) !!