my 9 yo is showing controlling traits

[Jdavies30]

Hi everyone I'm new to all this and I have no idea what I'm doing but I just need advice and maybe there's someone out there who may understand so please have patience with me .....

so I'm a mum to two beautiful young boys 12 and 9. I was in a relationship for 10 years. Our relationship looked perfect to everyone on the outside but people never really seen it the way I did but then it took me awhile to see it for it was and when I say it or write it, it all sounds not like a big deal and I know I'm lucky enough to have not suffered the way some people have but for me it become a relationship that destroyed bits of who I was little by little over a long period of time. I eventually realised my options and I decided to leave with my boys. Leaving was the easy bit afterwards become chaos and I have no idea how we've come out of the other end with just a few battle wounds that have somewhat made me stronger. It's been a year now and sometimes I think my ex is still controlling and playing mind games but I'm able to not rise to it and keep my distance. There's a 5 year restraining order in place so I could be paranoid or my ex is good at finding other ways to get to me.

My worry is my youngest son. I'm scared he's picked up on his dads controlling ways. I'm afraid my ex is somewhat influencing him, in the early days my son took on a lot from his dad and felt he had to look after him. I did a silly thing in doing my best to protect my children's innocents through everything and protect them from the reality, my ex used it to his advantage. I'm not a bad person and I was just trying to do the best for me and my children but I feel like I'm just about keeping my head above water. My ex stayed in our house and I moved back to my parents with my children, He found a new girlfriend and after a week introduced her to our son and moved her in to our house - I obviously wasn't happy that the introduction was so soon and I worried about my son and how he felt with a new woman living in our home but my son wouldn't talk to me about it and continued going there so I didn't push him to talk and instead supported him in what ever way I could. I was happy that my ex had a new relationship as that meant he'd leave me alone (but that didn't stop him)...

here's some examples of what my son has been doing: My son began checking every text I had, he wouldn't leave me go anywhere without him, he decided he'd no longer see his dad that they he could be with me all the time and I couldn't meet anyone new (he told him dad this) If I popped to the shop which can be seen from the house he'd watch from the window. if I managed to go out he'd text me telling me to get back home or say he's crying and upset and needs me. he at one point went to his dads and stayed there for over a week or two with the hope I'd eventually move back in the house with his dad because I cant be without him. He would tell me his dad will never be happy again and the only way he can be happy is if I go back. he's never displayed any of this when it comes to his dad and he actually got a girlfriend in fact my son wouldn't even say a word about the new girlfriend to me or anyone. Those examples I have said are not as frequent as they were but then again I try not to go out and I switch my phone off so he doesn't have to worry. but instead of showing these signs it seems he stores the information up and then takes it back to his dad who will then tell me when my son is in his care that a picture or me going out or a text message from a week or 2 ago has upset him but he was there for him and cheered him up. My son wont talk to me about anything I just reassure him and try to be a good mum. I just don't know what to do, he doesn't do it to his dad, I don't know if I put my foot down with him it will cause him to go off with his dad because I don't know what his dad tells him or just to let him carry on but then I feel controlled and trapped again and feel its not my son doing this but my ex and most importantly I'm afraid he's showing the traits of his controlling dad I don't want him to grow up that way.

my ex wasn't around much when we were together, its always been me and my boys and we've always been close, they'd never ask my ex or anyone for anything and if they wanted to talk for whatever it would always be me they talk to. I don't understand why now my youngest will only talk to my ex and wont say a word to me, whenever he is with me he seems happy and shows no signs of worry or upset yet whenever he goes to see his dad it's like he tells him every concern worry and upset but I get nothing out of him.

I'm sorry to ramble on, I just don't know what to do or who to talk to about it or where to even start.

I read that more as being a case of the little guy needing reassurance that you won't leave him. Whatever it is, he and you and the little family unit need counselling /therapy.

Thank you for ur reply ok il have a look thank you

your ex sounds like an absolute shit, with no interest in his kids other than scoring points over you and you sound lovely and thoughtful. In the long run I think your boys will understand this. I'm the short term I think maybe you are pandering a little too much to your son and you need to be, and seen to be, an independent woman with no reference to your ex.

Sounds like he is anxious, a kid trying to control a situation stems from anxiety. Reassure him but with firm boundaries in place. I certainly wouldn't be allowing him to go through your texts.

Don’t give your son adult motivations. He is not your ex. He is a scared little boy whose anxiety expresses itself in a need to control his environment. I agree counselling would be helpful for you.

He sounds very insecure bless him. Separation anxiety. I'd try to help him and also consider a child counsellor

This sounds like behaviour you cannot work through on your own. Your GP can refer you to CAMHS or family therapy. The sooner you go, the better. They were excellent in helping my son, and weirdly helped me understand my ex and his behaviour better.

I'd just like to put in here that your ex could well be fishing for information all the time your son is there and so your son is telling him about texts etc. When my parents divorced I stopped having anything but the most shallow conversations with my Dad because he was always trying to find out what my mum was doing.
Keep reassuring your son that you are not leaving him, explain why (age appropriately) you left his Dad and tell,him that it is not ok for him to be checking your texts all the time- you are the grown up.

This isn't controlling I don't think. My dd was like this at around the same age. It was separation anxiety (and was actually because of a traumatic event she didn't tell us about). I think you need to have him speak to someone or have you both speak to someone. Our dd went to a child therapist and her anxiety lessened hugely.

Thank you for you replies, im doing my best to reassure him im working in the nhs and my shifts werent child friendly so im two weeks into a new job with sociable hours so im home more and there for him when he needs it, i do my best to reassure him in the early days i also thought it was seperation anxity And until recently i thought we had turned a real corner as hes been doing so well but now hes having more contact with my ex and my ex has apparently split it up with his girlfriend and it feels like its starting again. When im not working im with my children now i have a new job weve planned family days and after school activities of their choice they have both been so happy. But then he goes down his dads and il get messages back saying my son is upset or he said this and that to his dad. When we split my ex made a thing about me meeting anyone else to my son, my son then clung to me and told my ex hes staying with me to stop me being naughty. Ive spoken to my son explained its not being naughty and reassured him. Im doing everything i can but i dont no what more i can do. Im not thinking my son is my ex but im afraid my ex is controling my son to be this way and my son doesnt realise it or i could just be parinod. Reading your replies some of this seems normal and im actually relived and il take your advice on board and seek some professional advice whether a gp referal or counseloring i just out of my depths.. Sorry if im coming across silly

You are not being silly.

Women’s Aid have children and young people’s workers, who support DC in the aftermath of domestic abuse. Part of that is helping them understand how healthy relationships work.

My DS is younger than yours and very anxious and clingy with wanting to be with me. He gets worried about anything departing from the normal routine. He needs consistency to feel secure. I think quite a bit of what you say is normal in the situation you describe.

But I think checking your phone and talking about you being naughty IS adult behaviour/ideas. A nine year old would not have the concept of you dating someone else, let alone conceptualise this as ‘naughty’. That is dad putting words in his mouth, and I fear dad is using his son’s anxieties to keep you at home. It’s not your son controlling you, but your son being used to effect control.

Your son will respond best to clear boundaries set by you, alongside reassurance. You are his mum and you love him, but your phone calls and friendships are your business. Don’t get drawn into discussion about things with your ex - ‘I am sorry to hear that, I will discuss it with DS later’ will do, or just ‘okay, thanks for letting me know’. Get to the bottom of DS’ worries and encourage him to speak directly to you (or a third party). If needs be, tell DS you don’t want your business relayed out of your house. Also this will teach DS boundaries too. His dad will be good at getting information out of DS; if DS learns the concept of privacy and it is okay to say nothing, or shrug, or change the subject, that will help him too.

Don't allow your son access to your phone.

Try and get him into counselling too. He may open up more.

Ultimately..you need to tell him right from wrong and the 'wrong' part of his behaviour.

Teach him about control..and give examples age appropriate on how bossy people are perceived by others and the difficulties they tend to have in forming and maintaining friendships.

Your son is 9

Please try being the adult here. Don't let him see your phone, remind him you're the Mum and he's the child. His behaviour may come from his father but you need to start parenting not excusing or allowing it.

I think your ex is using your son’s natural anxiety to obtain information about you and to attempt to control you. I also think you’re letting him. Stop letting your son look through your phone for starters and do get the therapy referral. Reassure your son but don’t pander to him. He needs to know your relationship is secure but that he can’t dict to you where you can be etc.

He has moved home his dad had a new girlfriend he's obviously upset by these new things he probably thinks ure going to get a new partner it's alot for a child to take on he shouldn't be looking at ure private texts and telling u u can't go out and he probably is telling ure ex things sit ure son down and explain the end of ure relationship with his dad and things are going to be different now he can't watch u all the time ure not going anywhere