DSIS undermining DBIL

[Lemond1fficult]

They have one DD7, and my DSIS is always contradicting BIL when he tries to parent their daughter. He’s a bit stricter than her, i.e he’ll try to limit her screentime, DN will ‘tell on’ her dad in tears, and DSIS will give her back the ipad and tell her ‘don’t listen to him’. It’s affecting their relationship - there’s often an atmosphere because of lots of tiny little arguments over DN, which she sees all of.

I feel as if there’s a pecking order with him at the bottom. DN constantly speaks to BIL with rudeness and sarcasm - probably because that's what she sees.

I recognise this exact dynamic from growing up with our parents. It gave me terrible anxiety because I felt like I was always causing arguments, and trying not to choose a side. I was also disrespectful to my dad, with impunity. I’m worried that my sister and BIL are playing out this scenario with DN, and that it’s making everyone unhappy.

I’m sure I’m massively oversimplifying here, but I just feel if they could present a united front it would fix many of their problems. They’d respect each other more and argue less, and DN would know where she stands.

They’ve all had a very tough time with bereavement and illness lately, so I don’t want to upset my sister. I also feel hesitant because I’m childfree – it’s only because I recognise the situation from my own childhood that I feel I must at least try and help them if I can.

How can I broach the subject in a positive way without hurting her feelings, or appearing to blame her?

Or actually, should I just keep my beak out?

I'm normally 'pro beak out', but it does sound like you've got a good insight there and you're well placed to talk to her.
How are your parents now and what is your relationship with your sister like?!

My parents' relationship became incredibly toxic over the years, they eventually split up 7 years ago.

My relationship with my sister is cordial but complicated (at least as far as I'm concerned) because I'm quite logical and I find her overly emotional and quick to anger/tears. So I do keep her slightly at arms length, though I do love her. So it's not like we're bosom buddies. But I want them all to be happy and can tell they're not.

Take your sister out one on one. Talk about all sorts of things. Show you're her ally.

Then broach this tricky subject. I'd start by talking about your DP and see if she agrees they had this dynamic and that it was bad.

Then you can say you have seen a couple of occasions where her and DBIL have done this. Give concrete examples. Ask whether she thinks she does this.

Then point out how it's something that can be changed if they want to.

Be prepared for some serious deflecting, hackles up and denial. Maybe have a couple of short sentences prepared that make your keys points quickly if you need to drop them and move on.

Thanks for replying @ClareB83

Actually I don't think we can go out together - it's not something we do normally, so she'd immediately smell a rat. Also, there might be wine, and that makes her more emotional.

My family are all quite enthusiastic letter writers, when there's something we want to sort out, so I was hoping to write something very gentle. If I were to send her an adapted version of my OP above is there anything you think seems harsh or untactful or that you'd word differently?

You'll need a different tone and structure as instead of explaining it clearly to a stranger you will be persuading someone who already knows these things to listen to you.

Much like the conversation I suggested you'll want a gentle intro eg I had a lovely time last time I visited, instead DN growing up lovely...

However, something did happen that made me think about DP...

That used to make me feel xxx. Do you remember that? Dis you feel the same?

Then I remembered a couple of other incidents with you, DBIL and DN. Give specifics.

I thought I should mention it because I don't want DN to feel like we did. Plus I know you and DBIL could fix it by xxx if you agree it needs fixing.

I hope you don't mind, happy to discuss or never mention again etc (general polite bulls hit).

You'll need to think about your sisters triggers. What will stop her being able to listen to what you've written? What will encourage her?

Make it something that has happened that can be resolved rather than something she has done wrong. And avoid making DN sound like a brat.

Tread carefully, OP. This will be a very difficult conversation to have without upsetting your sister.

I know! It's a total minefield.

For two pins I wouldn't say a word, but they all just seem so unhappy. And I feel I'm uniquely placed to give them some insight. Which will sound like criticism, even if I'm careful, I think.

Thanks @ClareB83. I'll try your phrasing out for size.