2 questions - family problems and lack of support

[newproblem]

This is going to be a long post. I don't have anyone else to ask in person and I need some advise. Thanks a lot in advance for your patience and for reading this.
My sis and I are not on talking terms for over 4 years now. We live in different continents.
We grew up in India, so it's almost impossible to go complete NC without feeling or being made to feel guilty. Indian families are quite enmeshed.
We both grew up in a dysfunctional joint family with an alcoholic father. As kids, I was quite supportive of my sister. I protected her from any criticism, helped her with studies, tried to make her feel good about herself when she had moments of self doubt.
By no means I was the ideal older sister but I know I loved my sis growing up, and I knew how it felt to be criticised as I experienced quite a lot.

I grew up feeling very scared. Being the eldest, I was practically raised by my grand parents (in the same house). They took me from my mum claiming they were more experienced with raising kids. They had rules about how I was allowed to spend time. They were very strict, didn't allow me to go out to play, wanting me to come first in every class/ every subject, forced to study and be ahead of other kids, scared me with weird stories, got upset with me over small things like using washroom in school, for being friends with a dark skinned girl from lower caste in school, asked my teacher to make me sit away from her, mocked my dancing, etc.
I was even criticised for doing slightly bad in school like coming 3rd first time in class 8th. I was told my brain had moved into my knees, etc.
By this time, our house was full of chaos because of my father drinking heavily and not working. There were constant loud fights. As a kid I didn't hate them, I had very mixed feelings towards them. They took care of me when I was sick, I still feel their intentions were not too hurt but now I can see it damaged me. My sister was 2nd, she was raised by my mum, who was the only open minded and flexible person there.

My sis and I started having problems when she was in college. She would get insulted and go on silent treatment over very minor issues. Sometimes it would last a week. Just two of us lived together at that time in another city. I was the only person working, when she was upset, she would refuse to use things bought with my money, e.g. meals at home, etc. By this time, she had some financial help from an aunt who inherited money from her father recently but it was not regular. So my sis would rather not eat dinner or have dinner with a person she was dating, who turned out to be a scumbag later.
They broke up because of his behaviour but this pattern between my sister and I continued. Each time she felt offended, she would shame me, go silent for days, weeks, would even stay silent with me if we were with common friends etc. I would try to be careful about how I say and what I say but there would be times when I would say something she didn't like.
One time my mother was admitted in hospital. I had just returned home from a trip and my sister arranged for her to be admitted in the hospital with help of her friend and didn't inform me. I found out the night I arrived home and rushed to the hospital right away. My sister wouldn't tell me much about her health as I arrived. At the same time, my sis was discussing my mum's health with a friend who she met only recently. Off course I cared for our mum's health more than her male friend who was there because he had an interest in my sis. My mum was in hospital for over a week and at some point we started talking. This pattern continued between us.

In normal times, she would refuse to have conversation about our issues. Or would talk to me like a lawyer. Giving me question to answer, only wanted very specific answer to the question, would leave the room, etc.

Long story short, 30 years later, my sister is doing very well in her career and marriage. She had met some very good people in one of job where she spent long time. They saw potential in her and mentored her. My sis is intelligent and hard working.

In last few years, she called me a name and was rude on my wedding day, then later after we patched up, I was discussing something stressful and she was very rude and dominating.

My sister has become quite dominating. I know my sister is also affected by our childhood. She also experienced unreliable father, financial worries.In addition, one relative compared our skin colour, she is barely darker than me (I always felt bad for my sis and when I was a little older I answered back).
My bro-in-law is very easy going and adjusting and I think he understands that she went through a difficult childhood.
I, on the other hand, screwed up my career giving more importance to my personal life. But eventually my personal life is also not going that great. I have major problems in my marriage.

Yesterday I received a message from bro-in-law that they are travelling and will be in the city I live for a couple of days, and if we are free to meet.

I had a brief conversation with sister over a year ago, I told her I was depressed but then our conversation turned sour as she started telling me how much better she had handled things despite having problems. I told her she always bring the topic on her and she started crying. We didn't talk for months. Then I saw her posting photos on facebook months later from my friend's wedding who she met recently.

I did mention it to my mum, how hurt I felt. She sent me an email saying that my friend insisted, so she went (flew to another country for destination wedding). I should give her a chance she wants to talk.

We met at my mum's place 6 months later (we saw each other first time after 2 years). She was friendly with my husband, maintained distanced with me. All of us would sit in a group, and she would talk about their life, what they do in their spare time, travels, etc. They made plans to go out and included us. She finally asked me 'if you want to talk, I can now' a day before leaving. But she took over right away, was very dominating, kept interrupting, started comparing, told me I am imagining things, I mis heard something and answered and she reacted strongly and made the whole conversation about that despite me right away acknowledging that I mis heard. She sent me a message a day later that she is sorry without saying much.

It's been over 5 months now. My bro-in-law has sent me a message that they want to meet as they will be here for few days.

I dont have much energy for small talks, where my sister likes to dominate and basically talk about how her life is. I feel my sister's intentions are not to dominate but her childhood has made her a bit attention seeking. She openly interrupts her husband and says she will tell that incident as she can tell better and he says ok you tell with a smile. I think he understands and don't mind. But I can't deal with it because all we do is talk about what she wants to talk, and if I have a different opinion on something, she would ignore me while being friendly with everyone else for the rest of the evening.

I dont know what is appropriate. In my culture, I would be expected to suck it up for the sake of family and meet them as it would look bad they are travelling from another country.

I am quite low as dh and I had another fight and he is not talking to me.
Can someone tell me how to respond bro-in-law. My sister asks my mum and aunt about me from time to time, and they all have impression that I am the one not being flexible.
I would love to talk my sister and mend our relationship but through open and honest conversation where we both are allowed to speak.

I also don't know how do I get any emotional support in my circumstances. I have no-one to talk to if I am feeling low.

Thanks a lot for reading.

Anyone?

A long opening post puts people off responding.

You'd be better off summarising and reposting if you want responses.

Do you want a relationship with your sister?

If you meet and she dominates the conversation are you able to speak up? If you can't speak up...Will you regret the meeting?

Would you consider agreeing to meet on the condition she doesnt dominate like last time?

If you want to rekindle the relationship...perhaps start with email and text communication.

I don't think your sisters behaviour is bcs of her childhood. She treats you like this bcs she is abusive. She is abusing you at any and every opportunity.

She won't stop bcs she enjoys it. It makes her feel good. Don't feel sorry for her! Feel sorry for you.

Have you had any therapy re your horrible childhood? I would recommend a lot of therapy over a long period of time. It's time for you to focus on yourself now.

Take care

Here is the result of a quick 'sibling abuse' Google search.

Thanks Sandy. I appreciate your suggestions. I have tried emails with her before. Either she felt offended and told me she didn't finish reading or responded dismissively. I agree my post was way too long.

Thanks Springy for your reply. I do feel at times she knows what she is doing. But not sure she enjoys it.

I would read on sibling abuse. I went to a CBT therapist but he barely asked me about my childhood. He did mention my sis's recent behaviour was not acceptable and that I need to set up boundaries.
I think I need to see a psychotherapist. Thank you!!

She doesn't sound like a nice person.

I'm a bit confused about your situation but you've tried throughout all your life to support her etc and she's has done the opposite. She sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder and is trying to continually price how brilliant she is. It sounds like you both had scrap childhood though and it's obviously still affecting both of you.

*prove not price

CBT is aimed towards your modifying your thinking patterns. You have absolute control over these. Other talking therapies will be more likely to invite you to discuss what you believe the issues are, and to explore them. This may be why in CBT they didnt seem interested in your dsis. They are interested in your approach to circumstances, rather than the circumstances, per se. Typically people have less control over the sorts of things which commonly end up causing people emotional stress (work, finances, unexplained low mood, etc.

In your situation you do have some control over the thing causing the issue. I was going to suggest sticking to email or letters. I thought you would get a fair shot at being open, and she would be more likely to be considerate in her words. Having read that she can even be civil over an email....this seems unlikely! Personally I would politely avoid her. She may cause drama if you explain why you arent interested in meetinf, and i expect that you would rather avoid that with the rest of the family, etc. Make alternative incompatible plans, let her know youre not available, and enjoy your alternative plans! She sounds exhausting. Dont worry about her and her (equally?) Difficult childhood, she has plenty of support around her. Look after yourself.

CBT probably isn't best for you. The NHS use it a lot and it's time limited due to funding.

I'd suggest a private counsellor.

It sounds like this suggested meeting will only stress you out and put you in a worse place...so don't go.

Just thinking........you look back and and see that your sister spent more time with your mother and this must hurt you? That you lost out in some way? And to forge a relationship ship with your sister could honour your mother in some way? However, your sister must have spent time with your father who has probably affected her and she might now be abusing you like she was abused? She might be jealous that you didn't have to suffer like she did and that you simply have no idea what it was like for her?

She has issues and your looking for answers ure never going to get just accept her for who she is but speak up don't let her over take the conversation u do have a mouth so use it if she don't like it I'm sure she will go in a mood she clearly likes to be centre of attention and talks non stop about herself but her life will be far from perfect her husband probs doesn't get a word which she will fall out with him if he does same with friends so shes probs not gd with relationships or social events go and see her let her talk her bullshit then u talk about what u have been upto ure just as important in this meeting as her don't get upset about it she's been like this for years shes not going to change now and everything will always be ure fault

She sounds like an unpleasant person with a lot of issues. I would look for counselling for yourself, and try to work through how your childhood has affected you, and this poisonous sibling relationship. You sound like the family scapegoat. That often happens in dysfunctional families. I hear your pain, but as others have said, she isn't going to change. Stop banging your head against the wall , trying to get something from her she isn't capable or willing to give. It hurts, but you need to move on and look elsewhere for love and support.