Help with talking

[Pingu49]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice.

Does anyone have any tips about "opening up". I find it VERY hard to talk about things - feelings, issues, everything.

For example, if my DP has done something wrong or I'm upset (no matter how minor it is) I end up crawling into my own little hole and stewing on it. I end up overthinking and it turns into something bigger.

To put it simply, I know myself that I'm a pain in the a**e.... 🙈.
I just want to talk about how I feel...

Anyone?

My husband does something similar. He can't talk about feelings.
My only suggestion is make an effort to express yourself. Sometimes the other person doesn't even realise that something they have said is hurtful. Sometimes it's not intentional.

I would suggest to tell in simple statements like, I felt bad when you said/did x. You don't have to explain your feelings. You are just letting the other person know. If they care for you, they will either clarify if you misunderstood or will realise how they hurt you.

I think mindful meditation and reading about patience/forgiveness can be helpful in long run.

Can you recognise WHY you struggle to open up about how you feel?

I honestly don't know. I've always had this problem.

I WANT to talk and express how I feel but I just can't. It's like I always worry how it will be taken by the other person involved (not because of tempers etc, I mean I feel like this talking TO anyone - not a specific person).

I just wallow on my own and make myself feel bad :(

I do know how you feel about this - I'm good at recognising how I feel, what is upsetting me, etc. but not so good at expressing it (not knowing how to verbalise feelings may be a man thing), but give it a go anyway.

Sometimes it doesn't go well, mainly because of misunderstanding from the other person and my inability to make my point very well, but it does always clear the air and it certainly avoids the overthinking and stewing which leads to small issues becoming huge ones in the future.

I've tried writing things down in the past and I've felt FINE expressing how I feel this way, it's just verbally I CANNOT do it.

I just don't want people to think I'm being dramatic by doing things this way 🙈

Thanks for making me not feel odd!

Well there's your answer then - tell your DP how you find it hard to talk about your feelings but can put it in writing - and then give them a written account of what you are experiencing.

I'm sure they would welcome the opportunity to understand you better and work through things when they first crop up.

It just seems a little impractical. I've done this with him before when it's been something bigger and it really helped me open up and resolve the issue.

All the small things I bottle up and send myself nuts 😂.

DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago. It was really good for getting things out in the open because you were there to talk about your marriage. So you didn’t have to do a big “there’s something I need to talk to you about” thing, we both knew we were there to talk so we just got on with it! It did improve our communication going forwards too. Maybe worth looking into?

Can you practice by writing it down first then reading it out? It might Make it more of a natural thing to talk about problems that way. Over time you’d get used to it.

That's a good idea angel!

I'm the same. Growing up I was never equipped or shown how to have an adult conversation when difficulties arose. All I learnt was that no one either had the time or desire to listen to me so it was best to just not bother and keep it all inside. On the very very rare occasion I mustered up the courage to try and talk, I was either laughed at and told not to be so silly or ignored. There was no listening or validation. I’ve always been worried about my ‘partners’ reaction if I was to bring anything up. When I tried to with my vile ex narc he did the usual ‘don’t be stupid’ act or flew into a vile range. So I find it very hard to express myself and raise issues in interpersonal relationships. Look up 'Detached Protector' here en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy for more info. It may ring some bells for you. Schema therapy is amazing for long standing maladaptive coping strategies!

@Dontsayyouloveme thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I'm going to have a read up!

It may or may not reflect your situation as such but worth a read! x