DH and I have always had problems with sex, we'd both had bad experiences before we met and have never really managed to sort it out despite being together over 15 years. We haven't had sex at all now for about 3 years. We both want things to get better, still get on, are a good team etc and I think (hope) we're still in love.
Problem is DH has always seen the lack of sex as my fault, he seems to have this weird idea that I'm somehow 'in charge' of when/whether we have sex and that everything has to be on my terms. I feel really uncomfortable with that and, due at least in part to the bad experiences I had before we met, it makes me feel pressured because all the onus is on me. It's really difficult to explain but it's as though the things that happened to me have made me feel that showing I want sex makes me dirty in some way and having to initiate sex makes me feel something bordering on humiliation.
I've tried to explain that to DH but he's struggling with his own hangups so it doesn't really get us anywhere. It just feels as though neither of us is capable of taking charge and that's what it needs, one of us to be confident enough to lead the other, but neither of us are.
None of this is helped by our differing approaches to the problem. DH comes across as quite angry about it (although he's made massive improvements to the way he expresses that in recent years) and I feel like he sees it firmly as my problem. His confidence is so low that he seems to feel he practically needs a written invitation to even approach me and because I feel so uncomfortable with approaching him he then feels it's down to me that nothing happens.
It's so frustrating (in more ways than one!) because we both want the same thing but neither of us can get past our own issues enough to change things. He won't consider sex therapy and just seems to want me to wave a magic wand (no pun intended 
) and 'fix it'. He doesn't even acknowledge that his past has any effect on us, in his mind it's all about me not wanting him and he can't see that his own insecurity plays any part. I don't know what to do anymore, we both deserve more than this.