Sexual etiquette and online dating ?

[Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname]

Didn't want to lever this into the OLD thread but there are a few things on my mind . I have come out of a very long term marriage and am new to OLD . I read on the OLD thread about people having moose burgers etc .

1. Safe sex I understand and using condoms - what about oral sex though ? I gather that unless you use protection with this you are just as much at risk ? So is this something that people just avoid until they are exclusive or whatever happens ?

1. Sexual health checks - do you go for them regularly ?

1. Prior to DTD with a new person do you have an adult discussion about such things - have they had a sex health check recently and lay out what will and will not happen e.g. using protection etc ?

Sorry if bordering on the TMI .

1. Avoid

1. Yes

1. Fuck yes!

In theory avoid, yes and yes... In reality I've only ever done the second one and I have regular sti checks as I do have regular unprotected sex with people I've not known long. Don't be as stupid as me though!

1. No protection. Risks are relatively minimal and I accept them.
2. I get tested about once a month, as have several sexual partners, some longer term who I have unprotected sex with, others shorter term who I use protection with.
3. Not beforehand, no, we just sort of negotiate as we go along.

Im not the most fastidious on all this. I accept a certain element of risk in the sex I have though do some things to mitigate it.

I think it depends on what your comfort level is. But what everyone does is probably fairly different. You can contract most STIs via oral sex, but it isn't as easy to do as vaginal or anal sex. So generally the risk overall is lower. Some things, like chlamydia or HIV, are generally prevented by using condoms, but others like herpes or HPV are spread skin to skin (so from the base of the penis not covered by the condom to the skin around the opening of the vagina or the mouth/lips). Personally, in all the years I was dating, I never used a condom for oral sex, but I didn't just give it out totally casually and randomly either. I would say it's probably the norm though not to. Obviously, you have to do do what you're comfortable with.

Personally, yes, I always used to go for STI tests between partners. I wasn't having a lot of random sex, mostly serious dating or long term relationships. But I work in sexual health, so for me, getting checked regularly was always just what I did on principle because I think it's smart for everyone to do and I wanted to walk the walk as I was talking the talk to others.

I would say that most responsible adults assume that you'll use a condom unless otherwise discussed at the start of a sexual relationship (I'm in my late 30s, married now, but I don't think I had anyone ever assume we wouldn't use a condom to start, that may be a generational thing though, if you're post-menopausal or much younger, I think it may not be as much a norm). This may just be the sorts of people I've dated though. But having had a sexual health check is a good way to open up the conversation if you think it's heading that way, to talk about contraception and condom use, etc. Yes, generally I have always expected someone to go and have themselves tested before things got serious enough that we decided to forgo condom use (but maybe not always necessarily if we were using condoms 100% of that time, but that was just what I was comfortable with). Anyone who is put off by that level of openness isn't right for you, so I wouldn't feel weird having that conversation.

Thank you all for being honest about this and answering . I had a sexual relationship with a guy for several months and being older (as someone mentioned ) there is no contraceptive need as such . I also come from the generation of "pre safe sex" days . I have had a health check twice now - during and at the end of that relationship . Thanks again .

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, and a person saying they’ve been tested might not be necessarily true. Plus a test is history once done.

Risk is not minimal if you have several sexual partners as you are in effect sleeping with all of their partners...and so on. Always both go for testing before having unprotected sex.

I don’t want to scare you, OP - have fun, but play safe. It’s a different world after a long marriage!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2942589-Getting-back-in-the-saddle-and-HIV

Thanks for asking the questions bloody - I'm in a similar position.

Expect this is a stupid question, but can you just go to your GP and ask to be tested? Do you say so when you phone up, what do they test for and how long for the results?

I'm nearly 50 - how do I not know this 😒

There will be a drop in sexual health clinic near you. They text you results or give you a number to get pre recorded results. A lot even do self testing. Google GUM clinic.

Ruby some GPS will do testing, but most prefer you to go to a clinic. However there are plans to change this to make testing more accessible.

You either phone the clinic or book an appt online, or do drop in but be prepared for a wait.

Some test results take less than a week, others longer. Some clinics do a rapid HIV test where you get the results straight away (though you’ll need another if you’ve recently engaged in any “risky” sex

You can also google home tests in your area where you post them off for the results - very convenient

Thanks rudy and hiv - much appreciated. I'll look into that now.

It's very easy Rubypanda - I have gone to the Sexual health clinic at a nearby hospital . The last time I went you self swab and they take blood and you get all results in one go in a text in 2 weeks . My initial visit was a bit more thorough as I had to fill in lots of details for my record. You can just turn up ( get there early ) or you can book an appointment.

Thanks again everyone for your contribution .

Using protection is your choice but I wouldn't with oral sex yes get checked but I think it's a turn off if u ask for his test results and the do and don'ts just go into it naturally and see how it goes good luck I'll do just fine