Feeling trapped and alone

[BillieJoe2000]

Hi Mums,

33 year old hubby and Daddy here, married for 7 years and we have a 3 year old boy. I run a successful business but I do not work long hours (often I do not leave for work until gone 9am and am normally home by 4pm so I can spend time with them. I never work weekends).

Difficult to summarise this in a few sentences but I’ll do my best.

End of 2016, wife reveals she is unhappy in our relationship and wants more romance and excitement. I was drinking too much and that came up as well.

So I listen and agree, stop drinking, get fit and try as hard as I can to be more romantic and exciting. I am more engaging with everyone, especially our son and I personally feel a lot happier than I used to. My romantic gestures are, for the most part, appreciated but I often feel the gratitude is a bit “empty”.

So over a year on, our relationship still feels awkward. We have not had sex in over a year and I can feel that any time I go to kiss/cuddle she cannot wait to get away from me.

We have talked about it and she admits things are better but she is still not 100% happy and will not do anything intimate with me until she is.

I am a patient guy. But I am also a warm blooded male and the lack of sex is really bringing me down. Some days I think it would be easier just to leave and start a new life, but I am not a quitter.

What am I doing wrong?

Have you asked her what she's wanting/expecting you to do? She might have a very different idea to romance and excitement than you do? I would talk to her. Maybe it's not just you she's 'unhappy' with? There could be something else going on and she's feeling depressed or worried about finances or something?

I would also say, a relationship/marriage is TWO people. It's great she's told you she's unhappy and you are trying to make changes, but she needs to be making an effort as well.

Are you happy in this marriage?

I dont think youre doing anything wrong.
I think you're trying your best you sound aware of what you need to do to create a fulfilling relationship. Good parent, interactive, listening to feedback and making changes. Ensuring family time is available.
Have you asked your wife why she is still unhappy and explained how you feel, both parties feelings count in a relationship.
I wouldn't be happy with no sex, in fact I ended my marriage for that very reason. I'm not suggesting you do the same but it does need to be discussed. It's not a nice feeling to be buffed off every time you try to cuddle or kiss some one.
It leaves you miserable and feeling unloved.
I think you may need to accept that your marriage has run it's course. But you need to discuss this honestly and calmly with your wife before you can decide that.

I don't think the fact you're not getting laid is the major problem here. It's the fact your wife has clearly checked out of the marriage and doesn't love you in the way you love her anymore.

I would sit down with her and ask genuinely if she's happy in the marriage or does she want a divorce. Because you've made changes and it's been a year yet that doesn't seem to have made much of a difference to her feelings.

And stop with the 'warm blooded male' shit, all humans are warm blooded and being male doesn't mean it's any more difficult for you to go without sex than a 'warm blooded female'. That phrase often indicates a guy who thinks his libido is of paramount importance over anything else and must be satisfied. Sure, don't stay in an unsatisfying marriage. But that's nothing to do with your gender. Masturbate lots if you like while you fix or leave your marriage. Don't kid yourself your libido is such a strain you need to have sex to handle it, like a lot of men who use that as an excuse to cheat.

To be honest it sounds like you are trying and the problem may be her side. The only thing I would check is if you are subconsciously pushing for sex with lower level intimate contact as that could be making her wary of any intimate contact. Ie: are you starting to get handy and whinge that there’s no sex every time you have a cuddle and kiss. If that is the case then backing off the pressure and mentally not going past lower level intimacy for a bit may help.

However if it’s that she isn’t happy you guys need to talk. See if there’s something making her not happy. If there isn’t then try dating and going back to wooing her basics with dates, small tokens and a few compliments. Sometimes women feel more open to intimacy when they feel loved more.

Basically just try to go back to having fun together.

Hope it works out

We've done a lot of talking over the last year, sometimes several hours at a time, discussing each other's feelings and how we could improve things. Communication itself is often a hot topic and I have openly admitted that my communication skills are not great. I am working on it and listening to her, trying to improve myself for her (and for me). But it is slow progress, if any progress at all, as it often feels like "one step forward, 2 steps back".

Fundamentally we are very different in our approaches to communication (I tend to bottle things up whereas she is very open). Again something I am working on, but this in turn is causing friction, where I am now trying really hard to communicate openly, voicing something I am not happy about there and then, it invariably turns into a heated discussion and my immediate feeling is that I wish I had just kept quiet. So a bit of a catch 22 there.

She has made her feelings on sex very clear, it is absolutely not happening until she is 100% happy with everything else in our relationship. I've suggested that maybe it would help other areas of our relationship if we were to be intimate with each other again, but ultimately I do not want her to fake it. She said that she used to do this a lot of the time (fake it) just to make me happy and has openly admitted that she is just not that bothered about sex anyway.

She has said she would like a much deeper connection with me, for us to "get each other" and for me to be more exciting.

Date nights, random gifts, letting her sleep in most days, providing a very comfortable standard of living but only having to work 6 hours a day, getting fit, eating healthily, giving up alcohol, regularly cooking and cleaning (sorry I know the last 2 are a bit divisive but I know a lot of blokes that just don't do it). I feel like I do and have changed a lot, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.

We never did have a lot in common, but that was never an issue in the first 5 years or so of our relationship and it used to feel like an "opposites attract" sort of thing. Now it feels more like we just don't see eye to eye on anything.

As for whether I am happy in this marriage, for me I crave that physical connection so no, I am not happy at the moment. Having somebody flinch when I touch them does not make me happy. But I love my wife and I love my son, so the way I feel at the moment, leaving is not an option I am prepared to accept.

It could be that she has been unhappy for a long time and by the time you made those changes, it was too late.

Or it could be that she's changed. You both must have been young when you got together if you got married 7 years ago, so maybe she's grown apart or realised that she needs more of a connection with someone to be attracted to them.

What do you love about her? What do you enjoy doing together? Is she sporty? Is she working and is she getting adult interaction?

Fwiw you sound lovely.

From what she's saying it sounds like she wants to talk about feelings. Can you listen to her feelings without wanting to fix anything for her? Like ask her how she is and really empathically listen?

Do you ever talk about yours? Bottling things up doesn't sound healthy.

I'm getting the impression she wants to feel more emotionally connected with you. Since you have a lot of spare time might you consider taking a counselling skills course in the evenings? I'm not saying you should become her counsellor but it'll get you more used to talking and hearing about feelings.

Oh my goodness I wish my DH made the same level of effort to change in response to me communicating my unhappiness.

I honestly can't think of anything else to suggest that you haven't already tried or other posters have ventured.

@Cricrichan I think that is exactly where we are. I know this because we've talked about it. I've openly said to her: I wonder if everything I am doing is too little too late.

She has admitted she has changed. And that she wants to have a deeper connection with me. I guess I am struggling to work out what that means exactly.

But here we are a year on and still it feels like the divide between us is there and if anything it's growing.

Yes we were young-ish when we got together at 23. We were very fortunate and bought our first house together at 24 before marrying when we were 26. But those were all things we wanted and were excited for at the time, and I have no regrets with that timeline at all.

She runs her own business, for which I have been able to help her with my own experience and also look after our little boy when she is out on appointments etc. If I'm honest I do think it would be better for her to have a hobby as she does not really do anything except look after our boy and run her business. Maybe something we could do together.

@LemonShark man hater by any chance??

It's been a year and he hasn't cheated, I think that's great and OP has been fantastic by the sounds of it.. most men do need sex more than women that's just a fact

I think people act that distant when they are interested in or seeing somebody else.. hope you figure it out soon you seem lovely x

Not even slightly! I'm way more on the side of anti man hating and considering men's rights as a legit issue. I just find the 'warm blooded male' thing a bit odd and suspect. As if we're not all warm blooded. People often do use that phrase in a 'I can't help what my libido needs' way.

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

@LemonShark I am sorry if my comments came across in any way suspect or that I've given the impression that I'm looking for an excuse to cheat. That was not my intention and is absolutely not the case. Maybe just a poor choice of words on my part.

I was simply making the point that my own "needs" are not being fulfilled and that I am not happy about it. But I am trying to do the right thing, putting my wife's needs first and I was here looking for some friendly advice in achieving that.

I would suggest counselling to come up with a plan. Will your wife have ever more demands or higher standards as she really at heart just doesn't want to have sex again (she has told you she isn't bothered) with you? ATM she is asking you to jump and you are asking how high with no end in sight. I think it is an avoidane issue perhaps even abuse. Many men do this with their wives - tell then things will improve if they lose weight, dress up more, make nicer meals etc - they get royal service but don't have to address the real issues

She doesn't fancy him anymore or she's having an affair - either emotional affair or full blown affair.

Op she needs to cut you some slack otherwise - what's she doing to make things better?