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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Learning to open up to a relationship

17 replies

KeepHimJolene · 12/02/2018 00:38

I've been single a long while focussed on DCs and my career. I met someone a few weeks ago online. I am terrified of having a relationship or letting someone in which is why I stay single but feel I need to push myself as I want to be in a relationship. Our first date was lunch, he was nice and as nervous as me. I told him there was no attraction for me and he asked if we could still chat as friends. He has continued to be patient and kind, chatted to me but not been overly flirty and not pushy. He's giving me space to get to know him on my terms and at my pace. I've met him twice since and we chat via text every day. He gets how I feel from my past and why I'm so damn scared of letting someone in. He will ruffle my hair affectionately, hold my hand, squeeze my arm to show affection when we meet but not try and push me further, he's a gentleman. I know he would love to be in a relationship with me. He would be a kind and caring partner, put me first and share household responsibilities and parenting and be generous financially. In fact, he would just be perfect. Here's the issue: I'm not physically attracted to him and I was expecting to meet someone who was equal in terms of having a car, owning a home etc. He has a good job but has just arrived from overseas, drives but has no car, lives in a room in a shared house. He has no mortgage, no savings is paying off debts and Engish is not his first language. I don't know how to sort out my head. My question is, can I grow to find him attractive via his personality and care or am I encouraging him because he is kind to me and I'm getting something from this that I need at this time. Actually I think I need some MN psychoanalysing here!

OP posts:

Kingsclerelass · 12/02/2018 00:57

You've only met him three times. How do you know he would be a kind, caring & generous partner?
Also you say you aren't physically attracted to him. So how will that work?
I know it would be lovely to meet the perfect man immediately and avoid all that awkward dating stuff but I don't think life is like that. I think you need to keep looking. Good luck.

Somerville · 12/02/2018 00:59

You don't really know him at all, love. Only what he wants to portray.
Say it's not working for you, block him, and move on.

trojanpony · 12/02/2018 04:06

Walk away. This won’t work.

Original poster

KeepHimJolene · 12/02/2018 08:30

He speaks superb English as Dutch do, and he chose on his divorce to give the family home to his ex, and pays the mortgage still. to ensure stability to his dd and pays maintenance.

OP posts:

RedForFilth · 12/02/2018 08:33

You need to slow down! Talking about sharing parenting etc already when you don't know him at all. If you're not attracted to him at all date other people. Date for fun til you find someone you don't have all these worries about! And don't tell them about your past or struggling to open up straight away as some men/women will prey on this and they are good at manipulating you into feeling like you can trust them.

RedForFilth · 12/02/2018 08:35

he chose on his divorce to give the family home to his ex, and pays the mortgage still. to ensure stability to his dd and pays maintenance. how do you know? Because he told You?

Original poster

KeepHimJolene · 12/02/2018 09:00

I haven't mentioned shared parenting, mine are adults :-) My issues are around weight and rejection when dating, and I noticed there is another active thread about the same issue. so not my past per se. Not defending him but he seems fairly truthful, but then again who knows

OP posts:

RedForFilth · 12/02/2018 09:03

Sorry I thought you did when you said the following; He would be a kind and caring partner, put me first and share household responsibilities and parenting and be generous financially

What do you mean when you say weight and rejection? If you're overweight and don't like it tackle that first if there are no medical reasons for it maybe.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 12/02/2018 09:06

Woah, slow down, you've been on a couple of dates, not signed a contract.

If he's not for you just leave it there.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 12/02/2018 09:14

You don't fancy him and he's not "your equal " - it's a no go .

MyBrilliantDisguise · 12/02/2018 09:32

I can see why you'd want equality in terms of housing etc. I can see why you'd want to meet someone you find attractive. This man fulfils neither of those needs. I'd just move on if I were you.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/02/2018 09:38

You don't know him and I am struggling to see why he would want to continue dating someone who doesn't find him attractive.
I had to be cynical old cow, but I will be, how do you not know he has his own motives.
You only know what he has told you, this doesn't make it true op.
Anyone can pretend be something for a few hours a week.
The thing is you don't fancy him, that is unlikely to change and it sounds as though you have a couple of personal issues you need to work on before dating.
Try and make yourself happy with you first. Then look for someone who may be able to enrich that. Don't settle op it's not fair to yourself.

LesisMiserable · 12/02/2018 09:43

You don't fancy him though?

Sugarplumps · 13/02/2018 20:44

You say you don't fancy him. Does that mean nothing physical has happened? Maybe share a kiss or have a snuggle before you make up your mind. Also good practice for future dating since he sounds sweet and like a good listener!

Original poster

KeepHimJolene · 15/02/2018 20:16

@Sugarplumps thanks I've thought hard about it and am going to take it the course you suggest

OP posts:

mm2one · 16/02/2018 00:05

"Actually I think I need some MN psychoanalysing here!"
Actually I dont think so. BTW.. how old are you OP?

"can I grow to find him attractive via his personality and care or am I encouraging him because he is kind to me and I'm getting something from this that I need at this time."

Think about what are you exactly asking here. You are asking for advice on how to settle for someone who you dont think is up to your standards.

Relationships are about people who find each other compatible and want to be together. This includes physical attraction, personality, sense of humor, and I am afraid there is also a socio-economic aspect to it as well. There is a reason why doctors marry doctors and lawyers marry lawyers.

I would say, look at this person and think if there is anything attractive about him. There must be. Everyone has something attractive about them. Even if its not the whole package -- there are always some elements that stand out and are attractive. Start from there.

bluepears · 16/02/2018 05:58

'can I grow to find him attractive via his personality and care or am I encouraging him because he is kind to me and I'm getting something from this that I need at this time.'
you could but your clearly i dont think being with someone just because you want to be in a relationship is healthy and its unfair on him

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