Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

At what point do you have to be "faithful"

21 replies

SilverdaleGlen · 11/02/2018 21:50

God this is a stupid question, but I'm new to this dating lark!

So if you are talking to people, then you meet them for say a drink. And it's clear that one or both are a possible "hookup", is that something to be "faithful" to?

What if you are texting every day? But there isn't a likely relationship in the future?

THIS ADULT DATING SHIT IS CONFUSING.

At one point do you have to put all your eggs in one basket so to speak?

OP posts:

NordicNobody · 11/02/2018 22:47

For me personally if I'm sleeping with someone, I'm not sleeping with anyone else. I wouldn't be bothered about having a first date and also texting someone else, or going on dates with a few different guys in the "early days" stage, but once I decided to start sleeping with one of them I would let the others go. That's just my preference though, and unless we've had a conversation about being exclusive I wouldn't assume they're doing the same. For dp and I we discussed being exclusive about a month after meeting. I didn't sleep with anyone else during that first month, and I don't think he did either, but if I found out he had I wouldn't consider him to have been unfaithful if you see what I mean. It's definitely a mine field though!

ThisLittleKitty · 11/02/2018 22:56

I would personally say when you have both said to each other it's exclusive.

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 11/02/2018 23:03

Thank you, there is definitely not anyone close to a declaration of exclusivity!

OP posts:

Grunkle · 11/02/2018 23:29

I'd do whatever I wanted to do, for as long as I wanted to.

If/when there is a conversation about wanting to be exclusive or committed, I'd confirm during that conversation what the standards are around faithfulness.

TheStoic · 12/02/2018 08:48

When you choose to be. I could/did never date more than one person at a time.

LemonShark · 12/02/2018 10:41

Kitty has it. When you've both had the 'are we exclusive' chat. Which is normally within a few weeks if you're really into each other.

If you're not comfortable sleeping with someone before being exclusive/knowing they're not shagging anyone else, you don't until one of you brings it up and you agree to see each other exclusively.

Dating is about getting to know someone and having fun, I never assume a man is dating me solely until we have that chat. And I don't stop going out with other guys until I've had that chat. Why close down your other options before you're sure they are worth doing it for?

Trills · 12/02/2018 10:44

If you're not comfortable sleeping with someone before being exclusive/knowing they're not shagging anyone else, you don't until one of you brings it up and you agree to see each other exclusively.

Yes this.

Don't assume that your lines of what you are comfortable with are the same as anyone else's.

mindutopia · 12/02/2018 14:03

I think it just comes up in conversation. If you are just meeting for drinks or dinner or hanging out and you haven't had a firm conversation about the nature of your relationship (something I personally wouldn't expect to happen for at least a month or two), then it's just dating and no, there's no expectation you wouldn't be dating anyone else. You may feel differently though if it's a sexual relationship. Personally, I tended not to have sex with multiple people at a time, so even if the dating was still casual, if we were having sex, I probably wouldn't also be having sex with some other guy I was dating the next night (though I might still have met someone for a drink that didn't go further than that).

I think you know when you're both into each other enough to discuss if it's a relationship and you are exclusive to each other. I'm married now, but certainly when I was OLD, that could happen within about 2 weeks or so, or in the case of my dh, we were dating for probably 3 months before we had a firm conversation about it (honestly, probably because it was pretty obvious neither of us was seeing anyone else, we practically lived together from our first date, so I think we never felt we really needed to discuss it early on). I think you'll know. If you aren't sure just yet, it's probably a bit too soon and I'd give it some more time to see what happens.

Karigan1 · 12/02/2018 14:06

Sorry but I’m old school and I would not bother with any man who is seeing other people and asking me out.

Same way I would not see two guys at the same time at any stage.

Trills · 12/02/2018 14:21

Would you state it upfront? "I don't want to date you if you are dating other people"?

Or would you not state it but just wait and see if it turned out that he was seeing anyone else? And use that as evidence that you were not suited (because if he wants to date more than one person at a time, he's not the one for you)?

Either is fine, I'm just curious. You never have to date someone, so you can not-date-them for any reason you please.

Karigan1 · 12/02/2018 15:27

i don’t think I should have to state it. I’m only interested in someone who is interested in me not just having a relationship. If they are still shopping around then they aren’t that interested in me.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 12/02/2018 15:38

I think its different for everyone. Some people are happy to date/sleep with several people and for the people they're seeing to do the same whereas some need to be exclusive before sleeping together.

I'm the latter, if I'm ready to sleep with someone thats when I know that I want things to be exclusive but I have friends who are the opposite.

Just talk about it with your date, what is it you want? Are you looking for exclusivity?

LemonShark · 12/02/2018 15:48

Then you're in for a nasty shock if you end up dating someone who keeps their options open until exclusivity agreement, and refuse to talk about it!

People aren't mind readers, how are you gonna know if your date is your way inclined or the other way inclined without using your words?

Karigan1 · 12/02/2018 16:02

Lol you find out then you have a choice to walk away or stay. Personally I’d walk.

No nasty shocks either as when I did end up dating I rapidly weeded all the ‘shoppers’ and found a guy I totally trust. It’s been 4 years now and he’s still the one I’d choose every time.

It’s only a nasty shock if you’ve invested and then you find out you’re only one of many options.

Karigan1 · 12/02/2018 16:03

At seperate times by the way. Not weeded at the same time lol

LemonShark · 12/02/2018 16:03

So you'd rather wait and date someone then 'find out' they're dating others than state your needs at the start

Karigan1 · 12/02/2018 16:09

I would be open about my expectations from the first date. But say I meet someone they invite me out we sit there talking and it comes up in anyway that there is anyone else then there won’t be a second date.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 12/02/2018 16:12

I was dating 3 people when I met DH. I liked DH so much that, after our first date, I didn't see anyone else. Exclusivity established on date 4. You are only exclusive if you have both agreed to be exclusive.

bitzy12 · 12/02/2018 16:14

In my experience, I used to go on dates, and carry on talking/texting other people. I didn't feel bad about it. Some I'd go on 2/3 dates with and not feel anything 'exclusive' I never felt guilty about talking to others......until I met DH.

We went on our first date, the next morning I shut down my dating app and focused on him. He did it as soon as he got home from our date. The spark/chemistry meant I knew I didn't want to speak to anyone else or even be on a dating site :-)

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 12/02/2018 21:37

I find it interesting how this thread has flipped. It seems a lot of posts focus on the woman wanting to know about exclusivity from the man.

In reality, I guess, it's me who is "shopping"!

I don't want to offer exclusivity at this point but didn't know if it was expected.

OP posts:

bitzy12 · 12/02/2018 21:47

No it's not expected at all....it's when it feels right

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread