Has anyone saved their loveless marriage?

[Wormysquirmy]

Married ten years, three kids. Wouldn’t say we were ever blissfully happy but there was a reasonable degree of mutual respect and compatibility.

DH barely speaks to me. Imagine a cheery parent (me) living with a grumpy teenager (him). He says good morning maybe once a week. No hello when I’m in the door at night. Constant undercurrent of something but I don’t know what.

Virtually zero physical contact.

He is an angry man. He lost his parents last year and that has made him a million times worse. I suspect he is depressed. Constantly grumpy with our delightful kids. Horrendous to the dog who is scared of him. Never asks how my day is or
my work or what I feel/think even though I take great efforts to do it with him.

I’m not perfect but I’m attractive and kind and fun and work hard.

He is animated when drunk and almost normal.

Why am I with him? I don’t want to subject the kids to a break up. He is a reasonable father. He - and I - both work hard. I keep hoping it will improve but I feel I have given up. I feel incredibly lonely in my marriage and my lovely children and dog keep me sane.

I’m otherwise very lucky and have nice friends and family and hobbies. So I just accept a crap marriage - is this normal? His own parents marriage was hideous and his mum regularly didn’t speak for months apparently - I wonder if this is a family thing

No

Walk away before it damages your children, I was in a similar marriage and eventually asked him to leave, life is now much more relaxed, the kids are happier and so is the dog. Staying with him will do more damage to the kids than leaving.

I just can’t imagine leaving. I always thought marriage was for life. I feel
Selfish for considering it.

Maybe his depression will lift?

If you subject your dc to this loveless marriage, it may mean they repeat the behaviour your H is repeating, because he was subjected to it from his Mum. You have to break that cycle OP.

Has anyone tried counselling for this sort of thing?

I feel if we could communicate, it would be a start

My ex suffered from depression on and off during the ten years we were married, I used to think like you, that he would be ok once it lifted, I got to the point where I felt as depressed as him because he showed me little efffection, we went days with not talking and rarely slept together. I started to see the effects on the kids as they got older, he wouldn’t come on holiday or would chose to watch tv instead of going out so I already felt like a single parent.

It was really hard asking him to leave, I felt guilty and I missed him a lot but it was the right thing to do, I can see that now in the way the kids are and how relaxed our home now is.

My parents had a marriage like this. For the sake of your kids’ emotional well-being, please please leave.

I can’t leave as I cannot face not seeing my children every week (I know he would push for joint custody). He said years ago if I ever left him he would tell lies about my parenting to win sole custody (I kid you not although he said he was joking).

Also, he is an idiot safety wise with the kids. (Car seats and crossing roads and that sort of thing. Really forgetful).

I couldn’t leave until they are older and have enough sense themselves.

I need to get.m a way to make it work. He isn’t a bad man but he doesn’t seem to like me very much.

If he's not bothering with "family" times now, why would he be putting in the effort for 50/50?

You're the default parent, he sees you as the one responsible, the chances are that he will struggle to accept the split is down to his behaviour (because if he saw anything wrong with it he'd change) and so he'll look to blame you, and the best punishment is 100% care of the children.

Ok so i may be projecting here due to my own experience but don't be so sure about the 50/50 care.

To be fair, he is a good parent. Is plays with the kids and enjoys their company. I have done the hard graft - all the night feeds - and I mean all, night stuff etc so have been exhausted.

He loves the kids like i do bitvhad a difficult relationship with our eldest who at age 8 is, I think, beginning to see him as a difficult and patient man although I have never discussed it with her.

Even more of a mind fuck is they aren’t actually his biological kids as we needed donor sperm (he is infertile). We have been waiting for the right time to tell out eldesr for a year but due to bereavement of grandparents and other issues it hasn’t presented itself.

Playing with the children doesn't make him a good father. Night times, boring kid stuff and being kind to their mother etc etc makes a good dad.

If he's having issues with the 8 year old now then god help your child as the years go by. How will your husband react when boundaries are pushed and more challenging teen behaviour starts?

And another thing, can you honestly say your husband won't take it upon himself to tell your children he's not their biological father?

He treats you like shit.

And your dog is frightened of him?

He sounds like a seriously nasty bastard.

It’s a bloody mess.

It’s funny how easily a marriage slides from “okay” to this stage. Almost without my noticing it and one day I realised there was more bad than good. Very little good to be honest.

I am at least five years from leaving though.

DH and I have agreed we are telling our eldest together this year

If he doesn't bother much with the kids now when he's got someone else doing all the hard work, he's not going to want 50/50. If they're not biologically his, how does that leave him legally?

Legally and emotionally they are his. Completely.

Donor sperm use is highly regulated in the UK

He is just an angry man. Life isn’t perfect for
him but he is very blessed. So this pisses me right off.

This kind of situation is soul destroying . I have been there . You spend your whole time trying to work out what is happening - suggesting doctors etc and trying to divert them from their horrible moods or ignoring them and just carrying on hoping it will get better . It doesn't ! Unless your husband is open to getting some proper investigative treatment about this which involves him ADMITTING he has a problem then there is nowhere to go . You are the enemy and you are to blame for all his problems - in his head . This brings you down as you are constantly on eggshells . It is only once you are apart that you will realise that it is not you , it is him - but everyone else gets the blame . He needs to get help for this as this will destroy your marriage if it has not already !

I am experiencing a small fraction of what you are going through and it is extremely unpleasant. I also probably won’t leave either as I hope it will improve and DH is not a bad person. My life is otherwise comfortable and fortune and I sometimes the trade isn’t worth it.
Is your husband unduly stressed at work for any reason? Loss of parents also brings your own mortality into sharp focus, could that be an issue? Also I wonder if he is concerned that he will be rejected or seen as less than a real dad when your DD is aware of the donor sperm situation.
I’m not making excuses for him. The whole being being mean to the dog and lying about your parenting in a massive red line in the sand.

Sorry for typos, tiny screen on crowded train

Why am I with him? I don’t want to subject the kids to a break up. He is a reasonable father

Is he really though? You say he is grumpy with them, the dog is scared of him and he is an idiot safety wise with the children? Also no affection to their mother? Sometimes staying can be harder on the kids and it all plays a factor as to how they turn out as adults