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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feeling upset :(

6 replies

mummyofwilliam · 01/05/2007 16:12

william was born on a saturday and i stayed in hospital for 4 days. the thing i was looking forward to most was the next saturday spending a full day together with mike and william and taking it easy, maybe going somewhere for lunch maybe for a walk, just to be together as a family for the first time.
anyway on the friday night as we were having our tea i asked what he fancied doing on saturday. he turned round to me and said he's going to see molly (his daughter, usually goes and picks her up on sundays only she's in a phase where she doesnt want to come with her dad so he's going there instead) i was gutted and asked him why and why he didnt tell me before (he knew on the sunday after wiliam was born) he said he didnt want to tell me cos he knew how i'd react. i begged him not to go and said i was looking forward to this all week but he still went. i'm still upset that we never got that first day together as a family. i know molly is his family too but i had just had a baby and all i wanted was to enjoy him with my partner. we never got that and i feel like i've been robbed.
when i was pregnant we were supposed to be going to edinburgh for new year as a last long weekend away just the two of us. of course as soon as sarah (mollys mum) turned round to him and said what about molly, and waht if she would have wanted to come, and its over a weekend when you would have her etc it led to us not going. sarah saying what she said would have been halfway reasonable if she would make a fucking effort for molly to go see her dad but mollys got her wrapped round her little finger she just whimpers a bit and sarah gives in to her every wish.
mike says that himself but yet he still goes and sees her every saturday and sunday. i feel like the more he goes the more sarah thinks why should she make an effort if he's coming anyway.
on saturday before mothers day i asked mike what we were doing on mothers day and he said im going to see molly.
he did go even though he knew i wanted him not to. when he came back he gave me a card and some flowersw and went to sleep the rest of the day. (he was tired cos he had to get up to see molly. he gets up for her but then couldnt even stay awake for my first mothers day.) so i spent most of the day crying too.
he is almost perfect in every other way but it just hurts me so much that he's so obsessed with molly (which i can understand)but what i cant understand is that he ignores my wishes he doesnt even realize how much this hurts me every time he goes because i cant say anything to him anymore cos he always avoids the subject.
i dont even get a day where i can have a bath in peace or a bit of a lie in without william cos mikes off in the morning both days he's off work to see molly.
i've never had anything against molly and couldnt wait to meet her the first time two years ago but now that mikes going there sat and sun and not respecting my wishes he's making me feel resentful towards her and jealous i know this sounds silly she's his daughter but its the way he's behaving. its just getting worse all the time.

I have always said to mike from when we started going out that i dont mind him having or seeing his daughter just as long as its not every weekend. my sisters husband has a daughter who came every weekend and it put a strain on their relationship. so when i started going out with him myh sister told me to make sure that would never happen and mike agreed but now it has. i wouldnt mind her staying over for a full weekend (friday to sunday or even monday morning and take her to shcool once she's older ) but then it would have to be every other weekend so we get some time together too. if its every weekend then only sundays so we still get saturdays to do things. he agreed with what i've just said when we first talked about it.
the thing that annoys me most is that all this started the weekend after william was born....
thank you for listening i just dont know what to do anymore

OP posts:
saadia · 01/05/2007 16:17

My initial feeling is that he should bring Molly to your place so that she can be a part of your family as well. Has she met William yet?

Ifonlyhewould · 01/05/2007 16:19

Hi there

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad about all this. I can understand why. I was just wondering, would it be possible for you and William to go with your DH to see Molly? Does Molly ever get to see William. Maybe you could suggest an outing you could all go on together, just to bring everyone together.
Reading your post I get the impression your DH has two lives. A family life with you then his weekend life with Molly. Even he must be exhausted!!

Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 16:19

Congratulations on the safe birth of your son! Get your dh to take William with him for an hour or so to give you a break.

You need to explain that you feel that he is prioritising his daughter over you and your son at a time when you need his support the most. At the end of the day, if you don't get the support you need, your relationship will suffer and he will be spending one day a weekend with each of his estranged children. (Not a helpful sentiment, I know, but worth pointing out to him if absolutely necessary!)

You need to pick the right moment when he is calm and not under pressure and you are similarly not feeling emotional. I often tell dh that I need to have a chat and let him pick the time. Like that, I know that I have 100% of his attention and he feels like he has some control rather than being ambushed!

On a slightly more constructive note than above, how about pointing out that William is his daughter's brother and that if his daughter visits you, she will get to know her brother - the appeal of family bonds might be a much better tact to adopt, at least in the first instance.

Dh has children from his previous relationship and I know how difficult it is for him to balance them and me and our ds, but it can also be very difficult to be in our position because you are always competing for time on some level. Good luck!

mummyofwilliam · 01/05/2007 16:28

she has met william ad she adores him. she just doesnt want to leave her mum and sarah wont make her go (even though she'd be fine after a bit) i have been there with mike but i dont really feel comfortable there because of how sarah has acted in the past.
mike is exhausted and often says he doesnt get any time off. i always ant to say well thats your own fault.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 01/05/2007 16:31

I'm not so sure I would say it's his 'fault'. I think he is doing an admirable thing by still seeing his daughter on a very regular basis. A lot of fathers tend to dump the 'old' family once the 'new' one comes along. I think that he is probably trying to do his best by all of you. I know you said you don't like going with him because of his ex but maybe thats the compromise. Things might not be the same as they have been in the past. It might also open the door so that Molly feels she can leave her mum to spend time with you, DH and William

Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 16:38

If I were you, I'd take William and go and see Molly. Encourage the relationship between the children and in time you may find she is happier to come and see him in your own home. Things like this don't change over night. Tell dh what the plan is so that you are consistent and agreed in whatever you do...

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