Emotional affair at work

[Smallcustardtart]

Hi all. I got myself into an emotional attachment with a guy at work which started 2 years ago. Literally after returning from mat leave. It's like a cliche. Tired mum with hard working husband takes dull job and ends up fancying someone on the same bank of desks. He liked everything I liked. Same exhibitions and books (which hubby didn't like) But he was always a little aloof, cou even be a bit rude at times. He told me he fancied me and I am ashamed to say i enjoyed the attention.

Anyway fast forward, this odd relationship has rattled on for two years now. He would ring once a day and we'd talk. He never ever discussed his wife. Or feelings. Just work, or a book he was reading or an exhibition he fancied.

It became physical twice last year. We knew it was wrong (well I Did, he just didn't mention it). We've remained in this state of weird closeness since. He blows hot and cold and won't discuss anything with me. Won't talk about feelings or home life or how to extrapulate yourself from the stupid situation. Two weeks ago I texted him and said we should be just friends and that would be more appropriate. He just sid "no problem".

I told my husband id got close to someone at work (not the full story) and although he was pissed off he has told me to stay away from the guy and "get on with my work".

I'm struggling still. I haven't had a proper conversation with the guy. He has given the impression he has shrugged his shoulders at the whole thing. Whatever anyone thinks about affairs there are emotions involved and I feel like i was vulnerable, silly and stupid to get involved but it literally crept up on me and now it's been going on so long I have a void in my life. He texts sporadically but then ignores me. He told me on text yesterday I looked nice in my dress?! Then he ignores me and gives grunting curt responses like I'm irritating.

it's almost like he holds all the power and I don't have the emotional resilience to just deal with it.

If it got physical then it's not just an emotional affair is it?

If you care about your DH you need to tell him the truth so he can decide what he wants to do. You need to find a new job and get away from the man you are having an affair with. It's not hard.

Should you always confess?

Get yourself out of he situation. Stop giving him the power. Be off with him, don’t message him, don’t reply. Stay away. Why let him mess with your emotions?

As for your husband, you should tell him. But the other man obviously doesn’t like you enough so stop emotionally investing in him!!

I agree with pp, it's not an emotional affair. It's an affair.
The right thing to do is tell your DH and let the chips fall where they may. Also you need to find a new job.

It's a full blown affair now.

Find another job as soon as you possibly can if you want your marriage to survive.

Do you want to save the marriage?

It didn't just creep up on you. Be honest with yourself. You had two years to see where the wind was blowing. I am not judging. I know this can happen but you repeatedly put yourself in the position for this to carry on and it is now not an EA

I think you have to tell your DH. And talk about why this happened, at this point.

And you have to leave your job. Others have had to do that to extricate themselves from this sort of situation and it sounds as if you can't do it without that sort of full-stop

I'd like to know at what point in the two years he said he fancied you. Because it is certainly at that point, if not well before (you must have known you were flirting with each other, that you cared a bit too much about seeing him and sharing your idea with him) that you should have stopped this. That is what I mean by saying it did not just creep up on you

Yes I do very much. The guy I got involved with is very emotionally controlling. Reminds me a bit of my dad. He makes me feel alternately beautiful and rubbish. It would break my husband, our home, our two kids. I'm going to go for counselling. I previously mentioned it to my counsellor and she said I'd got into a state of loneliness and boredom at work. She said I was scared to face the void it would leave if I broke it off with him. But I've done it now so here I'm facing it

The guy seems like he doesn't care about you. Cut ties with him and continue therapy. But you should definitely tell your DH the true extent of it. You won't be able to truly move on if you don't.

It sounds like motherhood affected your self esteem and you got swept up by this mans attention. But the fact it went on for so long suggests there are feelings. What is the affair saying about how you feel about your DH?

Christ don’t whatever you do tell your husband if you want to stay married. All this urging you to confess is not a good idea IF you are going to stop all this nonsense with this other man and you want to make a go if it with your DH.

If you want out of your marriage then crack on and confess all. You probably need a new job.. this man sounds like he’s just using you anyway and enjoying some work place extra curricular

I differ from the other replies. I wouldn’t tell your DH the whole story. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, telling him will only hurt him. Go to counselling, admit that you liked the attention from the other guy but only bc you miss the closeness between yourself and DH. Don’t blame your DH. Try to work on your relationship using that angle.

You need to leave your job though. Go no contact with the other guy. Maybe you can’t make it work with your husband but the other guy is not the answer.

Chelsea thank you I just want out of this and also 're motherhood affecting my self esteem is also true. I had 3 pregnancies in three years and the middle one was a late miscarriage. I had appendicitis four weeks after number one was born and then post traumatic stress. That guy saw me without the pregnancies and babies and issues and livened up my dull job. My husband took on more work. I felt alive and interesting in the other guy' company. However it's just got awkward. I want to spend time with my husband. Plus this guy can also be cold, distant, sulky - he'd go in a mood if I didn't text hi in the morning for example. Thank you all for your advice