Kind, loving relationships

[Tenpenny]

I've spent all day thinking about this.

My parents although loving, could be harsh in their words to me growing up. DM still asks me why I am fat (size 12) and if i retaliate its because I am over sensitive.

I chose friends at school that were more confident than me - however they all ended up turning on me to make themselves feel better and more popular.

I put up with friends throughout my twenties that felt it was okay to talk about me behind my back, show me up in front of people or talk badly about me to my boyfriends.

The boyfriends I chose in hindsight were emotionally abusive - I started off on their pedestal then came crashing down from it - each one cheated and told me it was my fault, that I was hopelessly inadequate.

The man I had a child with and married was the pinnacle of this emotionally abusive pattern. He also cheated, lied, blamed me. His mother and sister would sometimes ignore me like i wasn't there. Talk over me. Arrange trips and invite dd, but not me.

The office I now work in has a lot of different characters - i get on with most. One person is very dismissive of me, always looks past me to talk to someone else. I put some pics on fb of us celebrating dd's birthday last year and not one of them acknowledged it. No one asked if dd enjoyed her day. They all saw the pics, and i was even talking about it beforehand i once took time off because she was ill. When i returned no one asked how she was. There are others who have people falling over themselves to ask about their lives, i just dont understand it.

Dd has been upset recently as has not been invited to a couple of birthday parties, they are both girls that she plays with. Im more upset about this because I believe I am projecting my own feelings on to it.

For the first time in my life I want to do a bunk with dd and start afresh. We deserve people in our lives who are kind to us. I am sick and tired of having to put up with dismissiveness, prickly attitudes and passive aggressive cruelty.

I keep myself to myself mostly because i am scared to be judged, I wonder if this is key.

Has anyone had experience of this and turned it around?

Growing up i would sometimes get called a "misery" by my parents for being upset/bad tempered about something. I don't recall feeling like i could explain myself properly. I recall being shouted down or made to feel ashamed.
Dd is a very emotional child and to my shame, i have consciously stopped myself called her a Misery on some occasions. The fact is, she is sensitive, emotional and a worrier. I was too.
I honestly wish id been brought up in a happier, lighter environment. Parents marriage wasn't great then and is worse now. I don't like to visit because it feels too grim. Dd doesnt like to go and doesnt like DM because they always argue.

Im rambling out thoughts here.

Is it normal to only truly love your child, and no one else. Dd loves me for who I am, how I look. Im only myself when im with her. She is only 6. Is it normal to feel like that? She is strong and full of love.

It’s good that you’re recognising how you could be projecting your feelings and your parents’ behaviour onto your relationship with your DD.

I don’t think it is usual for you to feel that you can only be yourself with her. That’s a huge pressure for her, to be your only source of comfort and love.

It’s easy to see how we are drawn to people who are familiar even when they’re not good for us. But how to change those patterns is not so easy.

Would you consider counselling at all? Or just skip that and think “what would a counsellor tell me?” Which is probably get out and about, join clubs and activities, the more people you meet, the more chance of finding people you click with. Don’t project your feelings onto your DD, allow her to find her own way with friends and relationships. It’s inevitable that we end up in situations like our parents, so show her a happier more confident person as a role model.

Seeing the patterns you’re half way there already!

Thanks so much for your reply, I feel a bit ridiculous rambling on now, I got a bit upset earlier. Been having counselling for almost a year but last session was a few weeks ago, I will have to go again asap.

Yes im terrified of burdening dd. I try my best to be laid back mum .