Should i give up? How do i manage things moving forward?

[Countingsheeeep]

Sorry this is going to be long...i'm really struggling with my relationship with mil. I have known her now for nearly 11 years and things continue to become more and more strained and I wish it wasnt this way.

This weekend has left me feeling so deflated and like I should just give up with the whole thing.

In summary, mil came to visit to see Dc1. She has made it explicitly clear over the weeks leading up to the visit that she is only here to see Dc1, doesn't want to go out anywhere, and just wants to "play on the floor with her all day". Not my idea of a fun weekend given I'm a sahm and stuck in most of the week, but if Dc1 is happy then so am I so we didn't plan anything.

She basically sat on the sofa for the entire day, and barely played with Dc1, only in asking her to bring stuff which Dc1 didn't understand as she is only 1. "Bring grandma that book", "bring grandma that toy" and so on. Dc1 just pottered around as usual and dh and I were the ones doing the entertainment.

She then made a big show and dance about DD eyes being blue, totally baffled as to where she got them from as dh eyes are brown...my eyes are blue but apparently mil was flummoxed and didn't even look at me during the entire conversation. It was like I didn't exist.

She then for the second time this week told me that Dc1 saying "mama" actually means "Nana" which I found upsetting.

She laid sprawled across the sofa whilst I made her lunch, I am 7.5 months pregnant with awful SPD which I had only just told her about, she didn't offer to lift a finger, I was only making sandwiches but with the state of my SPD at the moment it's an exhausting task. Dh offered to help, but as Dc1 needed entertaining and mil wasn't doing that, I told him I would make lunch.

She helped herself to tea but didn't offer to make anyone else one. Took hers and dh plate to the kitchen but left mine.

I know all of this seems a bit petty, but it makes for such an unpleasant day :(

On top of this, I turn 30 in the next couple of days, mil has given me a card but no present. I am not one to make a big deal out of presents, however we made a huge fuss of her the previous year for a big birthday of hers, and I feel as though it was all wasted effort (we flew abroad to a city she wanted to visit, I arranged a meal at a special restaurant for her and all her guests, bought presents etc). She didn't buy me a Xmas present this year either, even though we bought her one.

She commented on me not having anymore children after this one as "I have to be able to treat them.all equally"...I have no idea what this was supposed to mean.

She then commented that if we wanted to celebrate my 30th later in the year once dC2 arrives and is settled, that she would take Dc1, but dC2 would have to come with us. At this stage I wouldn't really feel comfortable leaving either of them with her if she has bad feelings towards me, but that doesn't exactly sound like she is planning to treat them equally. She has been trying to get Dc1 alone since she was 10 days old, so it wouldn't make sense that it's just because dC2 will be a baby and Dc1 is a toddler.

This is only a weekend of stuff, the same type of thing has been going on for the last 11 years, I feel like giving up with trying to have any kind of relationship with her. Tbh it just seems like she doesn't like me.

Should I keep trying? Wwyd?

I normally sympathise with the MIL, but yours sounds mean, and you have put in a lot of effort to be nice.
It does sound like she has a problem with you. What does DH think?
In your position, I think I would stop trying. What sort of person allows a heavily pregnant woman with SPD to wait on therm? She should have been making tea and food for you!
I think on her next visit, I'd make myself scarce, either go out or go for a lie down upstairs, and let her and DH get on with it.
Sorry she's not being more supportive.

I feel your pain OP
If my MIL wasn’t dead I swear she’d come to see you.

My children were born with no genetic connection to me and my family. Only my DH who was an amazing father! Every milestone was connected to DH. When DC1 walked at 10 months she said “ what a shame”
MIL bought all sorts of paraphernalia to keep at her house, even though she lived miles away. She complained she never got to bath our DC!
She only ever wanted us to have 1 child as she just had one and that was perfect!

It was all quietly patronising. She meant well I suppose but showed little regard to my feelings.
She even told me I had Post Natal Depression when I cried after burning my hand on the oven! No, I was making her flaming food when she came to visit.

I think with MILs like this, they’d like the chance to do it all again. Have their own babies and young families. There’s an element of jealousy.

Keep your distance as far as you can without upsetting the family balance.
Mine backed off as the DC got older. She could never build up any sort of relationship with them as they picked up on her odd ways

Its not you, its her. Stop trying with someone as awful as she is; its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that to her.

Who invited his mother in the first place?. That should not happen again. She cannot be bothered with your DC1 either and simply wants to use her as supply. Both children and you need to keep away from such a person, it sounds like she wants to play mother again with your eldest. She is not a good person to be at all around.

What does your H think of his mother and her behaviours?. He is also key here. At the very least both of you need to put on a united front with regards to his mother.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.