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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t do this

25 replies

Purplesky2 · 11/02/2018 09:28

DH has gone - years of lies and gaslighting crescendo and I catch him shagging someone else red handed. It’s over. My poor kids are 10,8,6. I’m a broken person. Can I do this. When will the pain stop. I was willing to do anything to save my family unit but I can’t come back from this.

OP posts:
TTCI · 11/02/2018 09:31

What a pig so sorry you are going through this opThanksI know everyone says it but time will heal you. As for advice I'm not sure what to say maybe have some time to try and get your head head round this, speak to your parents or someone you trust.

Original poster
Purplesky2 · 11/02/2018 09:34

I can’t stop crying. I can do small tasks. I have some good friends propping me up. I feel worthless. I don’t think I can go to work.

OP posts:
Lalimerente · 11/02/2018 09:36

You poor thing 😪
One day at a time...have a hug and some flowers from me Flowers

BackInTheRoom · 11/02/2018 10:18

@Purplesky2

You're in shock

I just found this article. It might help:

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-recovery-and-the-7-stages-of-grief/

Now is the time to rally your support network OP. Call people and get them to help you right now. See if someone can come over to look after the kids or take them out so you can cry unabated.

When it happened to me, I went into deep shock. Looking back, I honestly don't know how I coped. We just do though because we have kids that need us. Keep posting, we're here for you and I know so many of us on MN know exactly how you're feeling right now Thanks

BackInTheRoom · 11/02/2018 10:19

@Purplesky2

Take time off sick. You cannot go to work right now. Take a week off and see how you go.

SandyY2K · 11/02/2018 10:23

You aren't worthless and you can do this.

MrsBertBibby · 11/02/2018 10:26

You'll get there, just don't look ahead right now. Keep on with the small tasks, take a little time from work (although don't underestimate how much it can help to be back in an environment where nothing has changed,) cuddle your kids, and let them heal you.

Do they know what has happened?

Alfiemoon1 · 11/02/2018 11:05

Take it one day at a time big hugs so sorry this has happened to you

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2018 11:16

You can so do this. Been there and I have come out the other end stronger. It takes time, you feel sadness and anger but in time it will get easier. Take care xx

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 11/02/2018 11:24

I am so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

I know it doesn't feel like it but you can and will get through this. Lean on your friends and family as much as you need to.

Do you have to go to work today?

MrsChanningTatum · 11/02/2018 11:29

Oh my goodness you poor thing. Definitely take at least a month off work. Go and see you GP, explain what has happened and get him to sign you off for a month or more.

You absolutely will start to feel better. You are probably in shock regarding the discovery of him & OW. But also traumatised by the gaslighting.

Take the time off work to rest and recover. Be kind to yourself, drink plenty of fluids and small snacks to keep you going. Cuddle your children, and get some early nights in.

Definitely see a solicitor next week to discuss what you are entitled to money wise etc you don’t have to make any hard and fast decisions quickly, but at least get to know your rights in this situation and what he should be paying and your entitlements.

It’s an uphill struggle at first so take care.

thethoughtfox · 11/02/2018 11:35

In a while, you will be glad you caught him cheating because it has given you the push to get out of a toxic relationship. My friend always says that her ex telling her he cheated on her in the past (he only told her to hurt) was the best thing that happened to her. She stuck with him through terrible behaviour towards her and his mental health issues and would never have left him until this.

HennaTattoo · 11/02/2018 13:26

You're not alone. Didnt want to read and run. Ive Just been dumped by my Blog 2 years. It hurts like hell. Feeling worthless and like nobody gives a damn. No real advice except look after yourself and take it day by day ( or hour by hour) if you need to. Flowers

HennaTattoo · 11/02/2018 13:27

BF not blog!

littletinyme1 · 11/02/2018 14:53

Well done for catching and ditching. You've known he was a bad'un. You have done the best for you and your kids. Ask yourself why you feel worthless? Is it because is it because this fucker has rejected you? Think it through... He's worthless not you. Your worth does not rely on a man.

Concentrate on rebuilding your life for you and your kids and do not rush into another relationship until you feel TREMENDOUS.

AthenaAshton · 11/02/2018 14:58

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry that you are going through this. Flowers

eve34 · 11/02/2018 15:08

Purple. You will get through this. But right now lean on people. Try to eat and rest. If you can't work don't. And go hour by hour.
I'm six weeks on and can't look at the man. And still cry most days but I hope I am through the worst.
He was an emotional bully. And I know what we had wasn't good but I felt strongly about the family and sadly still do. But I also know in time I will heal. X

Ginpasta · 11/02/2018 16:08

So sorry OP. You can do this. As others have said take it a day at a time - if you have friends/family let them help. I'm about 18months down the line & although I still have my moments things are definitely better xxxxx

Original poster
Purplesky2 · 12/02/2018 07:22

Thanks for your support. d3 is starting with tears that won’t stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesky2 · 12/02/2018 07:23

My poor kids. I’m crying for them. So innocent.

OP posts:
Ickyockycocky · 12/02/2018 07:26

He’s the worthless piece of shit, not you. Take your time OP, have some time off work, see your GP. It’s going to be hard to start with but ultimately your life will be so much better. 💐💐💐

underthebluemoon · 12/02/2018 07:40

Read Chumplady's website. Give yourself lots of time. Try to exercise. You will be okay.

BackInTheRoom · 12/02/2018 08:13

In time I realised I was crying for the person I'd met back in the day. The person who I lived with was very different, cold, unemotional, self centred. The thing is our partners wouldn't have treated us like this if they were nice and kind?

Alfiemoon1 · 14/02/2018 11:52

How are u op

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2018 12:27

This is a truly crap time.
And to be honest, it took me a year to get back to myself.
Thank goodness for wonderful friends and family.
It takes time.
A lot of time.
If you are struggling please seek some counselling.
You are NOT worthless.
HE IS! But you won't see that for a while yet.
Please try to look after yourself.
Lean on RL support as much as you need to.
People will want to help and be there for you.
So sorry you are going through this.

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