Really missing STBXH

[ReallyLowDay]

Really sad day today and I can’t push it away as usual. Sat here crying. Really miss him today, it’s been 20 months for goodness sake. Divorce is dragging on. I know I’m better off without him (he’s cheated) but that’s not helping me today. And it wasn’t all bad. I had a miscarriage when he left and I feel so alone now. What if this was my only chance of having a baby? All my friends are married and have families. I’ll be 36 this year and have nothing to show for it. I try to go out, have fun, but all I really want is a family. I’ve been thinking about dating but am terrified. Weather is lovely today but I just want to hide away.

Just needed to say this. No need to reply.

My ex was a cheating bastard but I still missed him for months. I think I was really missing being a couple rather than him. At weekends I would torture myself thinking about what he was doing with OW and my kids! It does pass. Try to find ways to keep busy and accept all invitations. You will meet someone when you least expect it. I had a couple of relationships then met DP and had a "surprise" baby at 45 . Good Luck

Just saw this and didn't want to read and run - sending a big non-Mumsnetty hug to you. 💗 There will be days like this. And better days are on their way to you. I think I can speak for a whole bunch of us on here when I say - you've GOT this, and you're going to be okay. More than okay.

More practically - please reach out to a good friend in RL today - as wonderful as MN is, you need warmth and connection with skin on. And eat something. X

I’m the same 3 months on my own, still really hard thinking about a future without him. 24 years together. But you are young trust me you’ll move on from this and still have plenty of time. We will survive. X

Thank you. You have no idea how much this means.

I concur with missing the relationship. I constantly have to remind myself how unhappy I was, because I hate being alone and miss being a couple.
I can’t just pop to the pub for a drink on my own or cook a Sunday dinner.
But there are other things I can do. It just takes adjustment
I’m 2 years in.

It doesn't matter that the weather is lovely today - I think we put too much pressure on ourselves at times to do this or that ! If you feel like crap then stay home and immerse yourself in Netflix or i Player. We are all allowed days like this . There is nothing wrong with feeling sad . You are grieving for the future that you thought you would have and time will help.. believe me. Crying is good for you too although it doesn't necessarily feel so at the time.It's good to write things down or say them out loud - I speak to myself all the time In fact I had a good cry and gave myself a good talking to last night.

I realise it’s more what I think we could have been or a relationship in general. I have supported him lots with all sorts of issues and he goes and cheats for distraction the moment I am asking for a bit of help. I don’t want him back (he’s tried) and I’m dreading having to see him in a few weeks.

I am very independent, practical, own my own house which I am doing up, have a career I love, but something is missing.

I have had a nose on match but haven’t fully signed up yet, no photo etc. I suppose it’s a step in the right direction.

Just feeling down about it all today.

THank you, bloody.

Reallylowday you are welcome . Match - a "step in the right direction " ? Yes it could be and yes you are young and you WILL have a new and different life . You just don't see it yet :-) Everyone is different in these situations - some never want to see a man again while others ( like myself ) like a bit of male company ( but I am very fussy so yes places like Match can be dispiriting Urrghhhh ) I am currently single . There are no hard and fast rules here . Do things at your own pace . You own your house, you love your career , you are independent and practical - many women would love to be in your shoes . Accept that it is a low day and you are entitled to be so . x

Hi op,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it sucks doesn't it? You know full well you're better off without them in your life but you still miss them. No one is horrible all of time, even the worst people have momentary spells of being loving and kind and its those we seem to remember. I was in a relationship for 3 years that was physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive and when I finally plucked up the courage to leave I couldn't understand how I could possibly miss someone who had treated me that way but I did! I don't anymore, I've since moved on and married my lovely dh but it took time and counselling to help me.

It will pass, in the mean time make sure you look after yourself

Crying is good, part of the grieving process. Let it out. Tomorrow is another day. 'This too shall pass' and 'All shall be well' 😊

hi really I’m very sorry to hear about your MC. I couldn’t read and not comment on this - I’m about 9 months out of an awful ten year relationship (no kids) and I can sympathise with you.

I’ve found that with time I feel better - slowly but surely, I can barely remember my old life. Yoga has also been a life saver.

With regards to dating again, don’t start unless you definitely feel ready. If you’re not in the right state of mind it can be a hit to the confidence and also very confusing, people go AWOL with no explanation!

Cry it out and hopefully you’ll be on the up tomorrow. I always forget that these things aren’t linear and hate when I get upset again. You dodged a bullet - better to know what kind of person he is now than having children with him and being tied to him for years to come. (At least this is what I also tell myself)

Sending love xxx

Thank you. What I meant with a step in the right direction what I am starting to think about dating and putting myself back out there.

How do I know that I’m ready?

On the whole, I feel so much better and stronger, and when I then have a down day it just hits me as I tend to forget how awful I felt. But people are right, it’s not linear.

I think I will just ride out today. The weather had just turned awful so no guilt about staying in. Have started watching The Crown, and will cook something nice later. And if they are a few more tears, so what.

Through no fault of your own you’re not we’re you expected to find yourself
But he needs to take responsibility for his infidelity and lying.its his not yours
Let yourself heal,mentally & physically, and it’ll get better.it really will
You’re solvent,you're smart,you have a career. Damn! You’re a catch.dont forget it

I guess if you’re thinking about online dating and want to dip a toe in, there’s no harm. If you feel uncomfortable (as I did when I first went online) you can take yourself off and concentrate on you! Tbh I’m not sure if I’m ready or not yet, depends on the day.

Xxx

Thank you, everyone 😌

Thats a brilliant idea, lots of box sets and nice things to eat.

I don't know how I knew I was ready to be honest. I met my dh online 9 months after leaving my ex and to be honest I wasn't looking for anything serious. Just someone who I liked and who liked me to have some fun with but when I met dh I fell head over heels. I think what I'm trying to say is you'll know you're ready when the right person comes along.

The crown is a brilliant distraction
No lovey dovey shit ( can’t watch a rom com even now)
Takes hours, will keep you distracted
Cook something nice! Relax and allow yourself to be sad, because that makes you a normal caring human
Xx

Really getting into The Crown - thought it was a bit slow at the beginning of season 1 but love it now. Put a bottle of prosecco into the fridge (celebration beginning of half term) and have just started making pizza dough. Will also do a face mask. It’s a bit cliche but quite looking forward to my evening now.

Thank you everyone for keeping me company!

Hope you had a lovely evening
As my therapist says, sometimes just surviving is good enough.
X

hunting I agree with your comment that surviving is enough. I try to keep a daily gratitude diary and sometimes I note ‘surviving’. Sunday evenings are tough - this is super random but one Sunday I found myself making carbonara at 10pm and I knew the ‘old me’ would never have done that. Sometimes it’s the small things that help you through x

You will survive but you have to go through the grieving process for what you thought your future would be, for your pregnancy, the relationship and who you thought he was. When tested he wasn't a good enough man for you and its awful to have it made clear in such a hurtful way. Big hugs and love.

You will get through these days and one day you will wake up and its not the first thing that hits you.... Promise. There will be new adventures, light and hope. But its not s straight line - there will be bumps along the way, 3 steps forward one step back. But overall the pain fades and the snowdrops come out...

Just checking in to see how you’re doing? Xx

^^me too. Thinking of you OP!