Has anyone else ever had a deep feeling that they are not good enough for a relationship? How, if at all, did you shake it?

[PinotMwah]

That's it really. I've pretty much felt this since I was old enough to be sexually/romantically active. Was married for 11 years (still am technically married), not particularly happily, and have had a few other medium-term relationships (1-2 years max) and plenty of flings and dates. But I have never had a relationship where I haven't in some way felt that I wasn't good enough.

I know I'm not conventionally unattractive, scrub up well, I have friends (both the good, long-term variety and plenty of good acquaintances) and without sounding big-headed I know I am good company and a reasonable conversationalist. Am solvent and reasonably intelligent. I know its not especially rational.

But I've always had this deep-seated, fundamental belief that good relationships are not for me in some way, almost like something which was predestined before birth: that I'm not the kind of girl any person would choose as a spouse/long-term partner. And its led me to seek out a lot of damaged and unreliable/unworthy people over the years.

I've had some therapy for it and its helped to some extent in that its allowed me to be able to identify this as something I perceive to be true rather than an objective reality for a long time I actually genuinely believed I was too ugly to date. But it hasn't really shaken that core, instinctive belief that I'm not good enough.

This isn't meant to be a pity party -- I'm genuinely curious as to whether anyone else has felt like this and if they got over it and how?

Yes, me. I’ve never had a long-term relationship, never been married and never had children. I’m horribly lonely.

Like you, I’ve had a lot of therapy. I understand why I feel this way, but it doesn’t seem to help - I still carry round this feeling of not being good enough all the time. And I’m so tired of it.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any useful advice. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

OrangeCrush sorry to hear that you feel the same.

It's odd because in some ways I know I am good enough -- I don't lack confidence and I've never had a problem making friends. It's more a sense that I'm not cut out for intimate, long-term relationships.

I've always felt men have a very binary attitude towards me: I'm either friend-zoned or seen as nothing more than a sexual target, rarely a blend of the two. I'm not "marriage material" as someone might have put it in the 1950s.

My life is otherwise pretty sorted: I have a beautiful daughter who I love and good friends. But I'm in my 40s and I would like to think its not too late for me to find someone who I click with and who I feel right with and for whom the feeling is reciprocal. I'm not sure I will ever feel like that.

It's more a sense that I'm not cut out for intimate, long-term relationships.

Why would that be a bad thing? You already have a child, so you have satisfied that biological imperative.

Mass media tells us that we are not a real woman unless we're either shacked up with some dude and putting up with his bullshit, or desperately seeking same, or hanging around in our unworn wedding gowns like Miss Haversham.

Personally I'm really enjoying the things that make me "unsuitable for a relationship" aka spending meaningful time with my (adult) son, pursuing my own financial interests/career, watching whatever I feel like on Netflix, and having as much (or as little) sex as I want.

Yes, me. I’ve never had a long-term relationship, never been married and never had children. I’m horribly lonely.

I could have written that

NotTheFordType
It's funny you say that -- as I've got older I've increasingly come to wonder if the reason behind this feeling is because I sub-consciously don't really want a long-term relationship.

My experience of being in long-term relationships so far (and they haven't been great ones) is that they are lovely until initial sexual attraction wears off and after that they are frankly a bit of a ball-ache -- you spend your time subsuming your needs and interests into those of a bloke and the longer it goes on the more bored, trapped and resentful you become.

I had always assumed this was just because I hadn't met the right person but maybe its more fundamental than that.

It would still be nice to have a proper soulmate though -- someone who I still want to hang out with and chat to long after I've stopped wanting to shag them.