Ex husband has said I've lied to child maintenance service but I was deadly honest, what wax you do?

[Donkdonkgoo]

To cut a very long story short.....divorced 10 years ago with one DD, I'm the (mum) main carer.
Many moons ago My EX originally paid child maint following agreement with solicitors. He decided to stop paying which resulted me in going to csa who allowed him to pay me direct (8 years ago) he stoped again so the CSA had to step in and set up a deduction of earnings order which has been in place ever since with no issue. A few weeks ago the new child maint agency contacted me as csa agency closing. Due to new a new agency they start it as a new claim, they asked me how often he has our DD and I confirmed it's less than once a week. He doesn't have her on a set pattern due to nature of his work and doesn't live close. I would say it's more like 2 days per month, he never lets me know when he's having DD and I rely on my DD letting me know after their phone calls.
The CM service have told him he needs to pay me double what he has been paying based on their own info from HMRC.
My ex has gone mad and told me if he had to pay double he would wash his hands of our DD.

My conscience felt sorry for him and I said I would talk to CM service and then we could negotiate payments if he couldn't afford it. But within less than a day of that message he sent a nasty text to me saying to no longer contact him and that I had lied to CM agency and told them he no longer has our DD. He goes onto say he is paying the full amount and to never contact him again and that I have committed fraud and some other angry words.

I just don't know understand why he didn't attempt to negotiate with me after I showed more than willing, it's as if he wanted an excuse to jeopardise any decency left between us and blame me in the process. It's hard to explain but as if he's wanting to cut ties more with his DD but can't handle the guilt so try's turn the blame onto me. He has never ever taken responsibility for his actions, even his affairs he blamed me for.
I'm struggling to make sense of it all tbh. After 20 years of knowing Him I now finally think he has mental issues which is worrying due to his line of work being in the police.
Any advice on what to do or experience with similar behaviour?

Honestly, I would ignore him and let the agency resolve how much he should be paying. Don't communicate with him directly about money.

Just keep a record of when he has DD, then you can provide accurate information if he challenges you.

I would say if this is a reason he is using to stop contact let him play his game . Ignore him . I bet this is not the last you hear from him . He has been seriously under paying for years . Ignore any comment on maintenance . Let cms deal with it

Also stop feeling guilty and responsible for how someone else behaves.

Without a doubt take a screen shot of all these messages and save them in a couple of places. Chances are he’s going to try using this against you in a while.
Twat.

Thanks for your responses.

A friend suggested getting transcripts of my calls with child maint. So I've got my evidence.
It's his hatred towards me and he has always blamed me for everything. He blamed me for never being able to get a mortgage. Two years after our divorce I was still getting post from his credit card and after numerous ignored conversation when I asked him to tell them of his changed address (this worried me due to his crap record of looking after finances) I returned the letters to the credit card company saying no longer at this address and gave them his new address. The credit card company put a mark on his credit file due to breaking cc agreement re not informing them of assesss change. So for 10 plus years he has blamed me and told EVERYONE I'm the reason he can't get a mortgage. The list goes on of the constant blaming me for everything !!! He's now saying due to having to pay more maint he can't get a mortgage now his credit record is in order and he said he's going to tell DD he's going to have to sell her horse to pay me the new CM payments. Is there a known personality condition apart from TWAT that defines this behaviour??

Yeah, Childish Uberdickishness is the condition he is displaying

Ignore him and let CMS collect the money from him.

He sounds like he’s the kind of shit person who behaves like a dick and then blames the world for his problems instead of acknowledging and accepting the consequences of his actions.

Btw I would not accept any letters to ex coming to my property either I told every company who linked him to my property that he no longer resided at my property, I also called the credit checking agency and told them he was no longer financially associated to me and any new credit applied by him should not be linked to my name or property. They put a marker on ex too.

Sounds like a narcissist.

You're not responsible for his actions.

I suspect he's using this as an excuse to withdraw from contact with dd - is she starting to challenge him? Stop accepting his word as gospel?

My ex hasn't seen dd for years. His choice but he won't admit it. He blames me for "turning her against him" but he managed that just fine by himself.

Pursue the maintenance and if he chooses to no longer have contact with his dd - well I think if it wasn't this he'd have found another excuse.

Cms rates as a percentage of salary are actually woefully low so he's hardly being put in poverty, sounds like he's just shit with money - not your or dds problem.

What a grade A tool. Ignore him as others have said.
Can imagine how the conversation with his dd might go. "Dd the Organisation that makes sure absent fathers do right by their children financially found out I could have done better by you, and because Im pissed of that others know Im not going to see you any more....."
Whatever he's trying to achieve with his temper tantrum will blow up in his face if you dont pander to it.

I don't think there is anything you can do. Take the money and build a life for you and DD. How old is she now? Presumably a teenager and can maybe see through her dad?

He has been ripping you off for years and sounds vile. Please don't even think of accepting less than the legal minimum payment from him. He's washing his hands of your DD? He'll still have to pay to support her.

Gosh he sounds like my ex, blaming everyone for his mistakes and minimising. It's a head fuck if you spend too much thinking about it. The facts are what matters. Ignore his bullshit.

Stop speaking to him at all. Only communicate if it’s something essential about your daughter , and it sounds like she arranges visits herself .

If he decides to stop seeing her then it’s her choice.

He’s hardly on the breadline if he has a horse. Though I’m amazed that such a busy police Officer has time to look after it every day.

Stop trying to prove him him that you are a nice decent person, it will never work.

You’ve done nothing wrong. He is all kinds of nasty, twisted bastard who has turned his back on his child because he is angry with you. For claiming the minimum amount of money he should pay towards taking care of his child.

Keep the claim open. Get every fucking penny that is owed to your daughter.

What’s he talking about? Child maintenance is affected only if he has his child 50% or the time which he never has.

The facts are what matters

This.

You could have irrefutable written proof from the sodding queen that none of any of this was your fault and he wouldn't believe you nor stop telling everyone lies about you.

So disengage. Nothing you will or could ever do is going to change his narrative making you the villain. Get as much money as you are due, and if this means he also reduces the quite frankly pathetic minimal contact he has with DD, well that sounds like a win-win. She won't have to hear him going on and on about it either.

No Godsplan that's completely incorrect!

Sorry it’s one night a week ie 52 nights a year!

Trying to reason with the unreasonable is like trying to store water in a sieve, futile. Your Ex clearly has issues which have absolutely nothing to do with you. Disengage from this illogical, selfish and entitled nonsense now and hopefully your DD will learn from the example and not make the same mistake of disappearing down the ‘there must be something I can do to make him see reason’ rabbit hole.

Disengage, disengage, disengage!

"What’s he talking about? Child maintenance is affected only if he has his child 50% or the time which he never has."

Not true, these deadbeats can get reductions on what is already a pathetic amount if they have the child overnight even just one night a week.

Also if they are living with other children (yep even if those children AREN'T theirs and their father pays maintenance for them)

It's a joke! And this guy doesn't even want to pay that!

Op you really need to stop caring what he thinks, he doesn't care what you think he doesn't even really care about his dd.

So sorry I never got any mumsnet emails that anyone had replied 😱.
Thank you!! Thankyou!! everyone I've just cought up with your comments. You are all totally right! I just needed to hear it from others. I've not had any further contact from him and quite frankly I'm glad. Sad for my DD that me and her father are not on talking terms thou but there's nothing I can do about that except roll over and return the cash to her father, which I can't afford to do now instead I'm going to make sure she's well cared for now and into the future..... I suppose it's easy parenting in his eyes just hand over money and someone takes care of you child eh!! He doesn't have a clue about how difficult it is, how your heart breaks when they have friendship difficulties and how they are fully aware their lives are different to friends with both parents living together I know she feels she's missing out. I grew up in a large family and I soooo wanted my children to have the love of a large family around her. My only crime waa choosing the wrong man to marry and start a family with. I wish I could go back in time and have a word with myself 20 years ago x

He’s a bully and you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t respond to him. He’s angry because he’s finally having to pay the right amount. He’s got away with it for years. Keep all the messages. Don’t let him bully you