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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Respect and value

2 replies

Shayelle · 10/02/2018 21:06

I want to ensure that the next guy I meet that I want to be involved with, sees me as high value.. respects me, as I respect myself.

How do you make sure a guy always values you? Treats you with respect? Or do you think it is just luck of the draw - meeting a guy who is kind and genuine?

I ask because my last relationship was rubbish and made me unhappy, I didn’t feel valued or loved much. I left him but don’t want to fall into the same mess again.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 10/02/2018 22:02

I would say watch what he does, not what he says. Anyone can talk the talk when they are trying to impress you, tell you how gallant and caring they are. But when the chips are down, how does he treat you? Does he listen, take on board what you say, show you that he is interested in what you think/feel?

I have just finished a 5 year relationship because of the way he speaks to me when we argue. When things are going well he is sweetness and light, but the minute I ask anything of him, or challenge him in any way he becomes nasty, spiteful and aggressive.

I could have seen this within the first month I knew him, in fact he told me on our first date that he was arrogant, lazy etc and I laughed along with it. He showed me during the first few weeks that he wouldn't put himself out for me, while I was delivering home made soup and TLC to him, I asked if he would take care of me if I caught his illness. He replied, "well only if its not on the days I have my kids."

Bearing in mind he works 5 minutes from my house and was able to pop round for 'lunch' at mine whenever it suited him, he could easily have just said yes, but his instinct was to reject my plea for equal attention. It said everything I needed to know, but I didn't listen.

There is a MN saying "when a man tells you who he is, believe him". I should have listened and stopped myself getting so tangled up in his life, as its so much harder to let it go after 5 years. Sad

Candlelights · 10/02/2018 22:08

Having respect for yourself is a good start. But beyond that I think it's a case of watching out for whether he does or not, and pulling him up on anything that suggests a lack of respect. A discussion, apology and change of behaviour, fine. Repeating the same behaviour, not fine and time to end things.

But I think it's hard as some men seem to show more respect for a new relationship and less as it gets more serious, but it can be harder to end by then. My ex had no respect for me and wish I'd had clearer boundaries from earlier on about what was and wasn't ok.

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